


Reliving the Past

by Hisgrl



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-02-24 08:26:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 48,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2574797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hisgrl/pseuds/Hisgrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While working a case with the squad, Alex comes across a girl from her past.  Eventual Olivia/Alex and Amanda/OC</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meeting Again

**Author's Note:**

> For this story Alex is the Bureau Chief of SVU. In case you don't remember, Alex reveals to Olivia that her name in WitSec was Emily.

The sound of heels clicking ricocheted off the walls of the precinct as Alexandra Cabot strode into the 1-6 bullpen with determination in her eyes. She scanned the room for her target and found her standing in the office looking through the window into an interrogation room.

Stepping over the threshold of the office her target, one Olivia Benson, turned to smile at her. Alex felt her heart constrict at the sight. Her eyes looked behind the Sargent and at the young woman behind the window. She was small, wearing a black tee shirt and dark-wash jeans. Her back was facing the window. Her light brown hair was cut short, pixie cut if she wasn’t mistaken. 

“When Barba said you were taking this case I thought I had misheard him.” Olivia said, breaking Alex from her thoughts. “How have you been, Alex?” The sound of her name was akin to an endearment and the grip on her heart tightened.

“Been good.” Alex told her. “It’s not easy being bureau chief.” 

“We’ve missed you around here, councilor.” It was then that Alex realized that they weren’t alone. Amanda Rollins was standing to the right of Olivia. Alex cleared her throat, back to business.

“Likewise. What have we got?” How Olivia had missed hearing the other blonde say that. She turned her attention back to the glass behind her.

“This is 23 year old Sarah Lane. She is the bartender at the restaurant where our vic was assaulted.” Rollins said.

“She was belligerent at the scene, even went so far as to toss a drink at Amaro.” Liv finished. “We brought her in, but she won’t talk.”

“She’s hiding something.” Rollins told her.

“Goody, I see nothing around here has changed.” Alex said with a smirk as she and Olivia made their way into the interrogation room, Rollins staying to observe outside.

“Hello, Ms. Lane, my name is EADA Alexandra Cabot and-“

“Em…Emily?”


	2. Explaining Things

Alex’s heart stopped at the sound of the suspect’s voice. She looked up and her eyes instantly connected with blue eyes that she never thought she would see again. They were filled with a mixture of confusion and hurt. The latter broke Alex’s heart.

“Is that really you?” The other woman asked. It was then that Alex’s mind caught up with her. This wasn’t right. 

"Ryan?” She asked, her voice wavering. 

“What is going on?” Olivia asked, breaking the trance between the two other women. “Alex, this is Sarah Lane.” 

“Emily, I’m confused.” The suspect said. Alex’s head was spinning. This was getting out of control, she had to stop this. She must have swayed where she stood because Olivia reached for her and directed her to a chair in front of them. She looked up again and took in the girl she once knew, well, she was a woman now. 

“Ryan, explain why you are here.” Alex said, shaking her thoughts from her racing mind. She saw the questions swirling in the young woman’s eyes but they were soon pushed aside and her eyes became clear, so much like her mother’s. She turned her body to the detective who had remained silent in the corner of the room. She held out her hand.

“Detective, my name is Dr. Ryan Prescott. I was working undercover at the bar with the FBI” Olivia took Ryan’s hand and shook it once before directing her attention to Alex.

“I take it that you two know each other.” Olivia said.

“Do you have a phone that I could use?” Ryan asked. “I need to call my partner and tell him what’s going one.” Olivia handed over her cell phone and touched Alex’s shoulder gently. When she had the other woman’s attention she nodded her head in the direction of the door. Alex’s eyes darted to Ryan before nodding and following the detective out of the room. Amanda was still staring through the mirror when the entered Olivia’s office. 

“Alex, what is going on?” Olivia asked as she made her way to the center of the office. Alex made her way to one of the chairs by the desk before answering.

“Liv, do you remember when I testified?” Olivia raised her eyebrows at the question, as if she could ever forget. “I told you about a coworker that I was seeing.” Liv nodded. Alex pointed towards that mirror where Ryan could be seen talking over the phone, her eyes shooting to the mirror every once in a while. “I dated her mother.” Liv’s eyes widened at the news. Rollins decided best to make herself scarce and discretely exited the office.

“I thought you dated a man.” Liv said.

“I know. I’m sorry that I lied, but I was scared of how you would react and I panicked.” Alex said, tears finally spilling from her eyes. “I wasn’t told I would have to relocate until after I testified. They wouldn’t allow me to even send them a letter. I just left.” Alex finished, her tears turning to outright sobs the more she spoke. Liv was by her side instantly, taking the blonde into her arms and holding her tightly.

“You never tried to look them up after Valez died?” Olivia asked when the sobs quieted and Alex’s body stopped shaking. Alex shook her head.

“I was afraid they would hate me.” Before Liv could answer there was a knock at the window. Ryan was holding up the phone signaling that she was finished with her call. Liv looked to the blonde and saw her shake her head and cleared the troubles from her mind and set her EADA game face back into place.

When they stepped through the door way Alex placed herself against the door, as far away from Ryan as possible. 

“My boss has given me permission to help you with this case. I don’t think it has anything to do with my case though.” Ryan said, handing the phone back over to the detective. 

“What kind of case are you working?” Liv asked.

“Arms dealing within the bar I was working. My team had enough to make the arrests, the investigation was winding down.” Ryan told them. Her eyes went back to Alex. Olivia could see that they needed some time so she excused herself and exited to fill in the rest of the team.

“I heard stories about you.” Ryan said, gaining Alex’s attention. “The feisty ADA who took on the Irish Mob and was put in WitSec. Never thought that Alexandra Cabot was actually my Emily.” She finished. 

“I didn’t want to leave.” Alex said, her voice almost inaudible.

“Then why did you?” Ryan countered. “What happened?”

“A break in my case.” Alex pushed herself off of the door and inched her way to the other woman. “I had to testify. I wasn’t told I had to relocate until after. I wanted to call, write, something to tell you what happened, but they wouldn’t let me.” Alex assured her. When she was close enough she reached her hand forward and, hesitating slightly in order to give Ryan the chance to move away, laid her hand on Ryan’s arm. She could fell the other woman trembling. Without thinking Alex took a step forward and brought Ryan into her arms with practiced ease. Ryan stiffened at first but soon relaxed and allowed the tears to fall. Her body shook almost violently as she hugged Alex closer, soaking up the feeling of being held again.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, sweetie.” Alex whispered. Ryan’s head was fitted in the crook of her neck, her arms wrapped tight around her abdomen. Alex ran her had through the short brown hair, continuing to whisper soothingly to her as she did when Ryan was a child. 

The moment ended abruptly when there was a knock on the door. Alex and Ryan pulled away from each other, both wiping tears from their eyes, when the door opened and Amanda’s head came in to view from the hallway. 

“Sorry, but Ryan, there is someone here to see you.” She said before ducking back out. Alex followed them both out in to the bullpen. 

Standing next to Olivia was a man, probably in his mid-thirties, holding a small blond child in his arms. The girl, who was probably around three, turned to look at them and Alex watched her face light up. She began to resist until the man put her on the ground and she took off towards Ryan.

“Mommy!” The girl yelled as Ryan scooped her up in her arms and held her tightly.


	3. Processing

Ryan hugged the girl to her, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair. It had been says since she had last saw her.

“Hey, Scotty, I brought the things you asked for.” Ryan’s partner said, holding a black duffle up. 

“Okay.” Ryan answered. “Sweetie, would you mind waiting with Uncle Mike while Mommy changes?” Ryan asked her daughter. The girl pouted but put up no fuss when she was handed back to the man. 

“Bathroom?” Ryan asked as she took the bag. Rollins stepped forward and nodded for her to follow.

“Sorry about all of this, guys.” The man said. “I’m Mike Taggart, Scotty’s partner. She asked me to bring her go bag and this little one was going crazy to see her.” He explained.

“It’s no problem. We understand.” Olivia assured, eyes straying once again to the blonde attorney who seemed to be focusing solely on the little girl.

A few moments later Ryan entered the bullpen again but this time dressed in black slacks, white button up, and black boots. Her gun and badge were strapped securely to her belt and she had plastic, black framed glasses atop her nose. Olivia had to blink a few times to clear her thoughts. Aside from the hair, the girl bore a striking resemblance to Alex. 

“Okay, now that I no longer look like a bartender, I think its best we get to work.” Ryan said, shaking her body as if to rid it of any access bartender-ness that may be stuck to her. She held out her arms for the child and her arms were soon filled.

“I’m sorry, baby, but Mommy has to get back to work.” She said as the girl buried her face in the older woman’s neck. Ryan pressed a kiss to her forehead and looked in to her sleepy eyes. “But, I can come get you when I’m done here.” She told her daughter, smiling brightly at the prospect. The tiny girl wrapped her arms around her mother tightly and clung. After a few seconds of basking in the warmth of her daughter, Ryan nodded for Mike to take his leave.   
As she watched her partner walk away with her daughter, a sight that never stopped breaking her heart, she felt a hand come to rest on her shoulder. Ryan turned and saw Amanda smiling sadly at her.

“How long has it been since you last saw her?” She asked.

“About five days.” Ryan answered. 

“Alright, well, we all have work to do.” Olivia said, breaking the silence. She watched as Fin, Rollins, Carisi, and Ryan all headed towards the whiteboard filled with the details of the case and started looking for any new leads. Olivia knew that she should probably be helping, but there was someone who needed her attention right now. 

“Alex?” She asked quietly, gaining the other woman’s attention. “My office?” She requested, making her way to said location without waiting for an answer.  
As soon as the door shut Liv heard Alex release a shuddering breath. Without hesitation Liv took the younger woman in her arms. Before Alex could even think that this was what she needed she was surrounded by Olivia’s scent and warmth and her body immediately relaxed. She buried herself further into the embrace and inhaled deeply the smell that only seemed to be found on Olivia.

“She has a daughter.” Alex whispered into Liv’s shoulder.

“I know, sweetie.” Liv replied. Alex felt her heart race at the endearment.   
When there was a knock at the door Alex made to pull away but was merely pulled closer to Liv in return. The door opened after Olivia called out to them and Fin stepped just inside the entryway. He smiled at the sight of the two women so close together.

“Hey, Prescott found someone who could turn out to be closer than we thought to this.” He said. “Me and Rollins are gonna go check it out.” Olivia nodded at the knowledge. 

“I should probably go and see where they are.” Liv said, stepping away from the other woman. She reached a hand up, pausing only for a moment, and cupped Alex’s face in her right hand. “Everything is gonna be okay.” She whispered, receiving a small smile in return. As she walked outside she passed by Ryan.  
Ryan stepped apprehensively into the office saw Emi…Alex standing by the desk wiping her eyes. No matter what had happened, that sight still seemed to cause her distress. She cleared her throat, causing the older woman to jump.

“I’m sorry.” Ryan said, holding a hand out in surrender. Alex smiled at her, the same smile she used to give her when she was younger and beat her at chess. It warmed her heart to see that smile again. Ryan found herself fighting tears for the second time that evening.

“It’s okay.” Alex said. She had never imagined this could ever happen. Here, in front of her after so many years, was the girl she had considered her daughter. Some things never change, however. Gun and badge on her hip, yet she still seemed to fidget when she was nervous. Her left hand was fiddling with the hem of her shirt while the other carried a thick file. 

“Your partner called you Scotty?” Alex said, hoping to make the girl feel more at ease.

“Yes. There is another Prescott that we work closely with so they started calling me Scotty. I guess it stuck.” Ryan said through a small chuckle. Alex bit her lip, wondering whether or not it would be appropriate to ask her next question. It wasn’t needed, however, since Ryan apparently could read her mind.

“She’s three.” Ryan told her. “Her father is not in the picture, but we make it work.” Alex smiled at that. It seemed like so long ago she heard almost those exact words leave her mother’s mouth. “I named her after my mom.” Ryan finished. She looked once again to the file in her hand before offering it to the blonde.

“What’s this?” Alex asked.

“It’s my personnel file from the Bureau.” Ryan raised her hand when Alex made to object. “Rationally, I know why you had to leave, and more than that, I even understand. But the emotional part of me is…It’s…I’m having a hard time processing this. I know that it wasn’t your fault and you had no control over it, but you left. You took off and never looked back.” Ryan could see the tears forming in Alex’s eyes.

“I know that that is unfair to say.” Ryan continued. “Knowing you, you have probably felt guilty about that every day for years. But that’s what it’s been; nine years. Nine years and then I turn around in an interrogation room and there you are and I…I’m processing. I’m going to need time.” Alex felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. She looked away, at anything other than Ryan. She felt a hand on her face forcing her to look right where she least wanted.

“I said time, not forever.” Ryan said, a small smile covering her face. The same smile she used to get when she was up to something. “You know me, however. I try to be nothing if not rational. I do understand how close we were. This file will tell you anything you want to know about me from the last nine years. If it doesn’t, I will answer any questions you have. But please, give me a little time to process.” She said, taking a step back. Alex nodded before she watched Ryan leave the office. 

Feeling all of the energy leave her body, Alex dropped herself down in one of the chairs by Olivia’s desk. Taking a deep breath, she opened the file. It was time she learned more about her daughter.


	4. More About Ryan

When Olivia walked into her office over an hour later Alex was still in the same chair pouring over the information Ryan had provided. She leaned against the door jamb, taking in the sight. Alex’s brow was slightly furrowed with concentration, her teeth worrying her bottom lip just the slightest bit, and her radiant blue eyes were narrowed and focused. She had never seen a more beautiful sight. She pushed herself forward and took the seat next to the councilor. When Alex showed no indication that she even knew she was there Olivia dramatically faked a cough, the sound drawing her the wanted attention.

“Good Read?” She asked, causing the blonde to blush. Alex turned to fully face the other woman and closed the file, a smile gracing her features.

“She’s amazing.” She whispered. Olivia smiled as a look she could only describe as wonder appeared to take over the lawyer. Alex looked to the bullpen and was surprised to find it empty.

“I sent them all home. We have a few leads, but nothing that we can follow up on now, so I told them to go get some sleep.” Liv explained. “Scotty seemed happy. I don’t know if I could live without Noah for five days.”

“Scotty?” Alex asked, cocking an eyebrow at the detective. Liv laughed.

“It’s what they were calling her, I guess it rubbed off.” Alex nodded. After everything she read, she could understand why Ryan…well she seemed to more partial to Scotty now, she mused…would want to reinvent herself. 

“Tell me about her.” Liv’s voice pulled Alex from her thoughts yet again, but she was more than happy for the interruption.  
“When I first met Ryan I was invited to dinner by her mother, Nicole.” Alex started. “I was new in town and her mother was being nice. At the time Ryan was 12 and just about to graduate high school, if you can believe it.” 

“I didn’t think that was possible.” Liv laughed.

“Well, apparently it is. We had her tested, she has an IQ over 170. Anyway, she asked if I wanted to play chess and she wiped the floor with me.” Alex said, her eyes glazing as she immersed herself in the memory. “Her mother and I hit it off and soon started a relationship. That’s when I realized how lonely Ryan was. She was bullied so much in school that Nicole pulled her out and Ryan homeschooled herself. Nic worked two jobs, so she wasn’t there as much as she would have liked which meant that Ryan was usually by herself. I moved in after only a few months. We began to play chess every night. Nicole was able to quit her second job and we became a family.” Alex said, tears prickling behind her eyes yet again. When did she become such a crier?

“The first time she called me Mom she was sick as a dog.” She continued. “Nic was still working at the Dinner at night so I was taking care of her. I was holding her, trying to get her to sleep, when I heard this little voice say ‘I love you, Mom’. At first I thought that she was delirious. She had me confused with Nicole. But the next day she said it again and after that I was Mom and Nicole was Mama.”

“When I left, Ryan was 14 and almost done with her BA at a local university.” Alex looked forlornly at the file in her lap for a moment before continuing. “According to this file, Nicole was killed in a car accident about five months after I left. With nothing keeping her in Wisconsin, she transferred to Yale and finished school. She actually has two doctorates; one in psychology and one in criminal justice.”

“She enrolled at Quantico on her 18th birthday.” Alex told the detective. “It says that she became pregnant after working a deep cover assignment about three years ago. Her daughter turned three last week.” Alex finished, not even noticing the even flow of tears until Olivia brushed them from her face. Alex grasped the sergeant’s hand in her own and held it to her face. “She must have felt so alone, Liv. She was my daughter and I left her alone.” Alex cried.

“Hey, hey, sweetie.” Olivia whispered, leaning forward and pulling the blonde out of her seat and onto the floor with her where she was maneuvered onto the older woman’s lap. “You had no choice.” Olivia told her. “If you had stayed Valez’s men could have tracked you down and hurt them. You kept her safe.” Olivia’s fingers ran through Alex’s hair and began to massage her scalp soothingly. Alex’s body relaxed at the gesture. It was one that Liv had performed many times over the years, one that only Liv could do.

Olivia waited until Alex’s body stopped shaking before moving them. Once they were in a standing position once again, Olivia took the blondes hand firmly in her own. “You’re staying at my place tonight.” She said, squeezing the hand to silence the oncoming argument. Alex, seeing there was no use fighting, relented and allowed herself to be pulled from the room.  
Once at Liv’s apartment, she had been handed a pair of sweats and a ‘Property of NYPD’ tee shirt that had been labeled as her own years ago. While she changed Liv sent the sitter, who had fallen asleep on the couch, home and checked on her son. When she exited the bathroom Olivia was sitting on her bed, wearing a pair of shorts and a black tank. Alex smiled when a hand was extended towards her. They had long given up trying to sleep separately when staying overnight, they always seemed to end up in the same bed somehow. It made no difference really since they both seemed to sleep better like that anyway. 

Once in bed both women situated themselves to face the other. 

“You didn’t say anything about Nicole…about me seeing Nicole.” Alex said, the nagging thought proving to be in the forefront of her mind after pushing it aside hours ago.

“What do you want me to say?” Liv asked, more harshly that she intended. Alex tried to hide her wince but the effort was useless since the detective noticed anyway, she always noticed. Liv took Alex’s hand in her own again and twined their fingers together. “I’m sorry that came out wrong. I just need to-“

“Please don’t say process.” Alex whispered. “I don’t think I could handle it.”

“I’m sorry.” Liv said.

“Is it that I was with a woman?” Alex asked, her mind whirling with all the possible outcome to this conversation. “Would you prefer me to take the couch?” 

“We both know that wouldn’t do any good, seeing as you’ll miraculously end up back her by morning.” Liv chuckled. “It wasn’t that it was a woman. It’s that it was…” Liv’s voice died off, her eyes darting to anywhere in the room but Alex.

“It was?” Alex prompted.

“It was…her.” Olivia closed her eyes tightly.

“Olivia, what could you possibly have against Nicole? You didn’t know her.” Alex said, her voice deadly even. Despite all of the day’s events Alex felt herself growing angry at the detective. 

“She wasn’t me.” Liv said, voice so low she wasn’t sure Alex heard it, but she could tell by her face that she had. Alex hears everything she says. 

The anger was quickly replaced with another emotion, one that Alex hadn’t felt in years; hope. Hope that Liv felt the same. Hope that she, they, had a chance. She reached forward and caressed the older woman’s face in her left hand. Olivia seemed so vulnerable, almost delicate. It wasn’t something Alex had seen often. 

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Alex asked. Liv opened her eyes and her breath caught when she saw all of the feelings that Alex had buried deep for years shining out at her. Her right hand moved to rest on the small of Alex’s back, pulling the smaller woman to her. She pressed a kiss to the blonde’s forehead before slowly lowering her lips to the other woman’s.  
Alex waited with bated breath for what she hoped was to come. When their lips finally touched, Alex felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest. Olivia’s lips were so soft, yet so  
firm. As soon as the kiss began, it was over.

“Alex, I-“Alex silenced her with another kiss, this one longer. Liv felt the passion take hold of her, years of pent up emotions finally spilling through. She pulled Alex closer to her, almost on top of her, and ran her tongue over the other woman’s lips. Alex gasped at the sensation and Olivia waited no longer to deepen the kiss. A light whimper echoed through the room, though they weren’t sure from who, when their tongues finally touched and began to explore. Alex’s hands found their way to Liv’s hair, tugging slightly. 

“Wow.” Alex breathed when the kiss was over, damned body needing oxygen. Olivia laughed softly, kissing her forehead another time.

“I know that this is completely inappropriate, but-“Liv started, but was interrupted by Alex yet again.

“You have no idea how long I have waited for you, Olivia Benson.” She whispered. “Yes, the timing could be better, what with my long lost daughter showing up, but I am not about to let that stop us. You can’t get rid of me now.” She added, smiling brightly. Olivia mirrored the smiled, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to Alex’s lips, one that turned heated immediately. 

“Does this mean that I can finally call you mine?” Liv asked after the kiss broke, doubt entering her voice. Alex’s hand found it’s way to her face again and caressed lovingly. 

“Only if I can finally call you mine, as well.” Alex said before stifling a yawn. Liv chuckled and turned Alex over, knowing that she slept better on her left side. Once settled, Liv wrapped her arms around the smaller woman and inhaled the sweet smell of Alex’s shampoo.

“Sleep, Lex, you need it after today.” Liv told her. “I’ll still be here when you wake up.”


	5. Working the Case

The sound of baby babble awoke Alex the next morning. True to her word, she was still very wrapped up within Olivia’s embrace. She withdrew herself from the comfort of the other woman’s arms, amazingly without waking her, and made her way to the hall.

She found Noah standing, leaning heavily on his crib, looking at her expectantly. She strode over and scooped him into her arms. Her heart warmed when the little boy burrowed further into her. “Well, how are you this morning, baby boy?” She cooed at him, bouncing him gently. 

Alex ventured to the kitchen to fix up breakfast. She placed Noah in his highchair, all the while carrying on a one sided conversation with the child. 

That is exactly how Olivia found them a half hour later. Noah was babbling away in his chair while Alex was answering the questions that only she seemed to understand, checking on him every couple of seconds. Liv made her way to the blonde woman, dropping a kiss on her son’s head as she passed by, and wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist, resting her chin on the woman’s shoulder. Alex hummed in approval and leaned further in to the detective’s embrace.

“I see you’ve finally decided to grace us with your presence.” Alex said with a smirk, never taking her eyes off the pan in front of her.

“I like this.” Olivia stated simply, pressing a kiss to the exposed portion of a shoulder that was presented to her.

“What, eggs?” 

“No.” Olivia answered. “I like waking up to you in my kitchen, in my clothes, talking to my son.” Alex’s heart melted at the words. She quickly turned off the burner and spun her body to face the detective’s. She filled her right hand with Olivia’s hair and used it to pull the other woman into a gentle, slow kiss. 

“But the breakfast is nice too.” Olivia said when the kiss broke, causing a soft chuckle to leave the other woman. 

“Go sit next to Noah. Breakfast is almost done.” Alex told her. “Don’t worry, I fed him before I started.” She added. This is the way she wanted to start every morning, Olivia thought. The ease that Alex flitted through her kitchen and interacted with her son caused a lump to form in her throat. Why had she taken so long to pursue this?  
Within minutes there was a plate of bacon, eggs, and toast pushed in front of her. Alex took a seat on the other side of Noah and sent her a warm smile before digging in to her food. Definitely the best way to start the morning.   
~ ~ ~

Scotty made her way into the bullpen and was surprised to see that it was already occupied. Amanda Rollins stood at the whiteboard looking over photos that had been taken from the victim’s Facebook page. 

“You’re here early.” She said, walking closer to the board to have her own look. Amanda turned to her and smiled sheepishly. “Please tell me you actually left.” 

“Yea, but I had a hard time sleepin’.” Amanda said, her accent coming out strong due to her lethargy. “I’m just tryin’ to see if we missed anything.” She finished, her eyes darting back to the pictures.

“Well, maybe I can help. That is what I’m here for.” Scotty told her. “Tell me about your victim.”

“Her name is Cam Davis. She’s a student at Hudson University and she was assaulted at the bar you were working at.” Rollins stated. “She was beaten pretty badly, a few broken ribs and a severe concussion, along with the sexual assault. She won’t talk to us though. I can see that she knows more than she’s sayin’ buy she won’t talk to us.” 

“Hey.” Scotty said gently, laying hand on the other woman’s shoulder. “I know that you’ve had a rough time lately, but we will get this guy.” She continued, her voice filled with determination. Rollins stiffened under her hand.

“How would you know how things have been for me?” She asked defensively. 

“You’re not sleeping.” Scotty told her. “Probably haven’t for a while.” Rollins stiffened further and made to move away but Scotty tightened her grip, just enough to keep the other woman where she was without hurting her. “You don’t have to tell me about it, it’s none of my business, but we will get this guy. Maybe when we do, you will finally be able to sleep.” She finished. Despite herself, Rollins felt her body relax at the words. It had been a long time since anyone cared about her wellbeing. 

“Thanks.” She said quietly. And just like that, the moment was over. Scotty moved her hand and moved her eyes back to the photos. It was like Rollin’s short moment of vulnerability never happened.

“Who is this?” Scotty asked after a few minutes, breaking their silence. She was pointing to a young girl, probably around Cam’s age. She was in most of the pictures on the board. Some were of Cam and her, but others were of the girl and a group of people or her and one other boy. 

“That’s Leanne Sherman. She’s Cam’s best friend.” Rollins answered, but from the look on Scotty’s face she could see that there was something she was missing.

“I think she’s more than that.” Scotty said, her left hand beginning to gesture at the photos. “Take a look. She’s in almost every photo.” Scotty pointed to a few with Cam, Leanne, and a group of other people. “Look at the way that they are holding each other in these photos. They’re with a group to make it look more casual, but the way they are together is almost…intimate.” She pointed to a few with Leanne and the boy. “Look at the way she looks at him in some of the photos and the way she’s looking at the camera in others.” Rollins felt her lips curling in a small smile at the spark of excitement in the other woman’s face. 

“She wasn’t taking pictures of her friends, she was taking pictures of her and her girlfriend.” Rollins said, her smile growing wider the more animated Scotty got.

“They were, or are, hiding their relationship. They couldn’t very well advertise photos of them together for fear that others would figure it out so they took photos with groups of people to   
make it look more natural.” Scotty said.

“This boy could be Leanne’s boyfriend and, if so, would have motive to hurt the person takin’ her away from him.” Rollins added. They had a lead, and actual solid lead unlike the half-baked ones their over exhausted selves came up with the night before. Scotty’s face seemed to light up the whole room. Her blue eyes were sparkling and you could almost feel the adrenalin rolling off of her in waves. 

When Olivia and Alex walked in twenty minutes later, still blissfully high from both that morning and the night before, Amanda was just hanging up her phone.

“What are you doing here so early, Rollins?” Liv asked. Rollins looked to the other women, smiling when she noticed their still clasped hands, and shrugged.

“You know me, always workin’” She told them. “We did find something, though.” She added, picking up her phone and shooting off a quick text.

“We?” Alex asked.

“Yea, me and Scotty. She just ran out on a coffee run.” Amanda answered. “She’s pretty good…for a Fed.” She added, turning back to the pictures to give the women a few seconds of space. 

Alex felt her heart expand at the high praise, well high praise from anyone on this team when concerning anyone from the FBI. She felt Olivia squeeze her hand, drawing her attention to the other woman’s beautiful face. Olivia was smiling at her, as if to say ‘told you everything would be okay’. Alex laughed softly before nodding her head to Rollins, signaling it was time to get back to work.

Before any work could be done, however, in came Scotty with a tray full of delicious smelling coffee. 

“Rollins texted me and told me you guys were here.” She said, placing the hot beverages on Amanda’s desk. She promptly handed Amanda hers before turning to the two older women. She picked up a cup and handed it to Olivia. “I didn’t know how you took yours so I just got you black and brought sugar and cream.” She said, nodding her head to the container where there were packets bunched in the center.

“Black is wonderful.” Olivia told her, taking a long sip, allowing the drink to warm her body. Scotty pulled a third cup and turned to Alex, hesitating for a moment.

“I, uh, I got you one of those pumpkin spice lattes.” She said, holding out the cup. “It’s stupid, really. I don’t even know if you still like them, but they’re back in season now and I just ordered you one.” She rambled. “I’m sorry, if you want something else-“Her words were cut off by Alex taking the drink from her hand. Alex’s eyes scanned and saw that the other two women were engrossed in the new lead in the case a few feet away, clearly not paying attention. Alex took a step to the younger woman and spoke quietly. 

“Thank you. I do still love these.” Relief took over Scotty’s face and Alex heard her release a sigh. “Listen, I was wondering if maybe we could-“ 

“Alex, I’m really sorry, but I still need some time.” Scotty told her, hating the look of disappointment that came over Alex’s features. “I’m sorry. Just give me some more time.” She said, pulling herself away from the councilor and moving towards the other women.

When both Alex and Scotty rejoined the detectives Rollins filled them in on what they had found that morning. 

“I had just gotten off the phone with the hospital when you two walked in. They discharged her this morning, she’s at home now.” Rollins told them.

“We were going to go talk to her, see if she could confirm the relationship, but I was afraid this one wouldn’t make it ten feet out the door without proper caffeine.” Scotty joked, nodding   
her head towards Rollins, causing everyone to chuckle. 

“Alright well, you two go talk to Cam and I’ll send Fin and Amaro…shit!” Olivia swore, a thought just occurring to her.

“What is it, Liv?” Alex asked, her hand reaching and grasping the other woman’s, a gesture that didn’t go unseen by Scotty and Rollins.

“I sent Amaro home yesterday after we left the bar. I haven’t told him that Scotty’s helping us on the case.” Liv told them.

“Oh, so this is gonna to be a fun day.” Rollins muttered.

“You guys, just go and talk to Cam, I’ll deal with Amaro and the boyfriend.” Liv told them.

“You might want to send Carisi with Fin to talk to him. Amaro is probably gonna have an attitude.” Rollins suggested. “Well, more attitude than usual.” She added.

A few minutes later saw Scotty and Rollins knocking on the dorm room where Cam was living. The door opened, revealing Cam, her face still bruised from the beating and leaning heavily on the door. They were invited in and she immediately took refuge on her bed from the pain.

“I already told you guys everything I know.” She told them, her arms coming around her middle.

“Actually, I don’t think you did.” Rollins told her, taking a seat in the computer chair across from Cam. 

“We know about you and Leanne.” Scotty informed her from her standing position behind Rollins.

“How did you find out?” Cam asked, worriedly. 

“It doesn’t matter how, Cam. This is what we do.” Rollins told her. “You just need to tell us the truth.”

“She has nothing to do with what happened.” Cam rushed out, her arms tightening around her.

“Except she does, doesn’t she?” Scotty said. She pointed to Cam’s torso that was being covered by her arms. “That is an unconscious gesture of protection. Your arms tightened when you said Leanne wasn’t involved which tells me that she is. So why don’t we skip the guessing and the lying and you just tell us what happened.” Scotty told her, her voice gently despite the firmness of her tone.

They spent the next few minutes listening to the tale of Cam and Leanne, two women caught in the throes of forbidden love. Apparently they had met the year prior in class and hit it off.   
They soon found themselves drawn to each other in a not-so-platonic way. Leanne’s family, along with that of her long-time boyfriend, Ricky Larsen, were devout Catholic so their relationship had remained a secret. Leanne even went so far as to keep seeing Ricky to not draw attention to them. She wasn’t sure what had happened to cause the attack, but Cam did say that Ricky was the one who assaulted her. Rollin’s sent a text to Olivia telling her the name of the mystery boy.

When Rollins and Scotty arrived back at the precinct Alex was gone, but Amaro was sitting at his desk on the phone. Liv came out of her office and they filled her in on what they had been told.

“Fin called. They went to Larsen’s dorm but he was gone. Roommate said he came in this morning, packed a bag, and took off. Had no idea where he was going.” Amaro told them, his eyes narrowing when they landed on Scotty.

“Have they checked with his family?” Liv asked.

“They’re headed there now.” Amaro said, his glare never leaving Scotty.

“Alright, well, Rollins check and see if he’s bought a ticket to anywhere and monitor his activity. Amaro, you go and talk to Leanne.” Liv told them. When they all dispersed Scotty made her way to the male detective.

“Hey, Amaro, I just wanted to apologize about yesterday. If I was seen talking to the cops it would have blown my cover. I’m Ryan Prescott, by the way.” She said, holding her hand out to him.

“I know who you are.” He said to her, his lip curling at the sight of her hand, a clear sign of disgust. “I have work to do.” He told her, making sure to bump her shoulder as he moved past. What, were they twelve all of a sudden? 

“Don’t mind him.” She heard Rollins say from behind her. She turned to the woman who was her desk phone in her hand, obviously about to call for a warrant for Larsen’s bank transactions. “He hates everyone.” She said with a crooked smile, causing Scotty to laugh, the sound making Rollins stomach flutter. Before she could overthink it, however, Scotty turned and headed to Liv’s office, forcing her to get back to work.

A knock on her door caused Liv to break away from her daydreaming of Alex and plunge back to the present. Scotty was standing in the doorway, biting her lip worriedly. 

“Where’s Alex?” She asked.

“She went back to her office. She has court in an hour.” Liv told her. When Scotty turned to leave she called her back in. “I know, what’s going on with you and Alex is complicated at best, but it would really mean a lot to her if the two of you could have some sort of relationship.” Scotty nodded silently at her before entering the office fully. She turned and shut the door and when she turned back a dark look was spread over her face.

“Sargent, what I’m about to say will never leave this room.” She said, waiting for Olivia to nod before continuing. “No matter what has transpired between Alex and me, she is still my mother and I love her very much, even after everything.” Scotty paused, her eyes looking Olivia up and down, as if sizing her up. “That being said, if you hurt her in any way, they’ll never find your body.” Scotty finished before smiling brightly at the detective and almost bouncing out of the office. Despite her small, weak stature, Liv had no doubt that Ryan Prescott would follow through on that threat of the time ever came.


	6. Getting the Guy

When Liv woke two days later she found Alex’s body curled around hers, the blond head pressed to her chest. She nuzzled her nose into the blonde mane and inhaled deeply, letting Alex’s scent fill her senses. The past two days had been torture. Ricky Larsen had seemed to vanish off the face of the Earth, Alex’s workload had doubled meaning that the only time the saw each other were when Alex would crawl into bed late at night, and to top it off, after the coffee incident, Scotty had been actively avoiding Alex. 

The blonde had just started to stir when Olivia’s phone lit up and began to ring. 

“Benson.” 

“Hey, we got him!” Rollin’s voice said through the phone. “He bought a plane ticket with his parent’s credit card. Fin and Amaro are headed to pick him up.” 

“Alright, we’ll be right there.” Olivia said, ending the call. When she turned she saw Alex’s blue eyes looking back at her. “That was Rollins, we got Larsen.” Alex seemed to perk at the news. As Olivia went to leave the bed she felt a tug on her wrist causing her to fall back into bed before her arms were filled with the other woman. Liv wrapped her arms tight around Alex and she felt some of the tension of the last few days leave her body.

“I’ve missed you.” Alex murmured into her shoulder.

“I’ve missed you too, baby.” Liv replied. It felt like weeks since they had held each other while awake. They both felt like they could breathe again, like a weight had been lifted, even if only for a few moments. 

“This may sound dramatic, but I think this is the worst couple of days I have ever had.” Alex said. Liv tightened her hold before speaking.

“I know, honey, but it’s about to get better.” She said. “And things with Scotty will work out.” Alex moved out of the embrace and began looking for the clothes she had brought with her the night before. Olivia saw the sorrow she was trying to hide and it nearly broke her heart. Should she tell her about Scotty’s threat? 

“What’s that look for?” Alex said, buttoning her shirt. Olivia smiled at the sight of Alex Cabot standing before her; shirt half undone, slacks unbuttoned, and hair slightly askew. “Liv?” 

“Oh, uh, nothing.” Liv answered, getting out of bed and pulling out her clothes.

“No, that’s your ‘I know something, but I’m afraid to say’ face.” Alex said. “What’s on your mind?” 

“I have faces for that?” Liv asked, smiling at the other woman, happy to receive one in return.

“Yes, now answer the question, detective.” Alex said, causing a shiver to run through Olivia at the use of the formal title. Olivia sighed, knowing Alex wouldn’t drop it until she got what she wanted.

“Scotty said something to me the other day.” Alex quirked an eyebrow at the statement. “I guess she noticed that we were…different the other day. She, uh, threatened me.” Liv said.

“Threatened you how?” Alex asked.

“If I hurt you, no one would find my body.” Liv told her. “Then she smiled at me, which was really creepy, but I guess that was the point.” Alex smiled. Scotty still cared about her. 

“Gee, thanks, glad to know you’re happy your kids threatened your girlfriend’s life.” Liv laughed out.

“Girlfriend?” Alex asked. It was then that Olivia realized what she just said.

“Uh, well, yea. I mean, I really like you, and you really like me. And I just thought that-“Her rant was cut off by Alex’s lips. The kiss was slow at first but soon grew more heated. Alex’s hands found their way to Liv’s hair while Olivia’s hands wound around her waist, pulling her closer. This kiss broke when a loud cry rang through the apartment. Noah was awake. Alex chuckled at the sound and moved away while she continued to dress.

“Is that going to be a problem?” Liv asked, worry lacing her voice.

“Noah?” Alex asked as she tucked her blouse into her slacks. Liv nodded in reply. Alex stepped forward and took Olivia’s face in her hands planting a sweet kiss on her forehead.

“Olivia Benson, I want nothing more than to be in a relationship with you AND your son. In case you haven’t noticed, I love that kid.” Alex whispered. “Do you understand?” She peered in the other woman’s eyes until she nodded. “Good, now finish getting ready, I’ll get Noah.” Alex kissed her again, more chastely this time before leaving a stunned Olivia behind.

“Does this mean you’re my girlfriend?” She called. A ‘duh’ being called down the hallway was her only reply

When Liv and Alex entered the bullpen Scotty was leaning against Rollin’s desk, waiting for them. She pushed herself off and made her way to them.

“They just got here. He’s waiting in the interrogation room.” She told them. Olivia nodded and walked down the hall leading to interrogation, Alex and Scotty following. Liv looked through the window at the young man who was being stared down by Fin while Alex and Scotty leaned against either side of her, bodies placed to face her. Olivia smiled at the similar, unconscious positions. They both looked so alike at this moment it was uncanny. Both wearing dark pants and a white button up, hips cocked against the wall, arms crossed over their chests and heads angled to look at her. My God, Olivia thought, even their eyes are similar. This was getting weird.

“Well,” Olivia said, looking to Scotty, “you’re the behaviorist, is there anything you suggest?” 

“That depends.” She answered, looking to Alex. “What do you need?” 

“We already have Cam’s testimony, but a confession always makes my life easier.” 

“Well, I aim to please.” Scotty said, a crooked smile taking over her features. Alex smiled at that. She remembered back when the younger woman had told her that same thing when she was younger, same smile in place. It warmed her heart to see that she hadn’t changed that much. “I’m gonnna need Rollins. I think I saw her head to the crib, I shall be back.” Scotty said before disappearing around the corner. 

“You know, seeing the two of you together sometimes…it’s a tad bit eerie.” Olivia said, smiling at Alex.

“She told me once she wanted to be just like me.” Alex told her, getting lost in her memories again. Liv’s hand caressing her face brought her back to the present.

“Looks like she succeeded.”

When Scotty reached the door to the crib her ears alerted her to arguing inside. She thought of turned and leaving the people to their privacy. That was until she realized who one of the voices belonged to; Amanda Rollins. She couldn’t grasp why, or even how, but Amanda had seemed to worm her way through Scotty’s defenses and become important, despite the short time they had known each other. She turn the doorknob without further delay and was happy she did when she took in the sight before her.  
There stood Amanda, her face red with frustration. One of her hands was caught in the grip of a man whose back was turned to her while the other was pressed to his chest, clearly trying to push him away.

“C’mon, Amanda, please. Let’s talk about this.” A voice, which Scotty recognized as Amaro’s, said to the blonde. 

“I said no, Nick. Now let me go.” Amanda told him while shoving him. It proved useless though since his grip only tightened in return.

“Is there a problem here?” Scotty asked, drawing their attention.

“No, this is none of your business.” Amaro shot at her through clenched teeth.

“I was actually looking for Amanda.” Scotty said calmly. “Seeing as we all have a job to do, why don’t you let her do and get back to it. Or should I call Liv up here to tell you all of the more productive things you could be doing right now?” She added when Amaro just continued to stare at her. He held his positon for a few more seconds before finally relenting and releasing Rollins and leaving the room. 

Scotty was at Rollin’s side as soon as the door was shut, taking the other woman’s arm in her hand gently before she could protest.

“That’s probably going to bruise.” Scotty told her.

“You know I can fight my own battles. I don’t need you to save me.” Rollins told her in return, her skin tingling where Scotty touched her.

“I know, but I was here.” Scotty answered, shrugging nonchalantly, still holding Amanda’s arm in her grasp. “Just say ‘thank you’, Rollins.” She smiled at the blonde. Amanda smiled back in return, pulling her arm out of Scotty’s hand.

“Thank you.”

“See, now that wasn’t so hard was it?” Amanda laughed at the other woman’s antics. “I really did come up here to get you though. We need to talk to Larsen.” Scotty turned to the door and held it open for the other woman.

“And who said chivalry was dead?” Amanda laughed at her as she exited. 

“Apparently people in the South.” Scotty mumbled, receiving a light smack on her arm in return.  
When the entered the interrogation they were greeted with the sight of Fin, still glaring at the boy, and Ricky Larsen looking like smugness in the human form. Fin happily took his leave to stand outside and watch with everyone else.

Rollins and Scotty took a seat next to each other, their backs to the window, directly in front of the boy.

“Mr. Larsen, do you know why you’re here?” Amanda asked.

“I ain’t got no clue.” Was his reply. This was going to be easier than they thought.

“I think you mean ‘I have no clue’.” Scotty said, her face taking on a look of distaste. “You know, Rollins, I hate it when people pay no attention to correct grammar usage.” 

“Whatever, lady.” Ricky answered.

“Would you like to wait for a lawyer?” Rollins asked him.

“I don’t need no lawyer, I ain’t don’t mothing wrong.” He answered causing Scotty to raise her eyebrows. Seriously? Was this kid an idiot?

“Really?” Scotty asked. “You’re educated, right? You’re in college!” They could see that Scotty was hitting a nerve. “Hell, she’s from the South and even she knows the correct way to speak.” Ricky’s nostrils flared. It was working.

“I ain’t saying another word!” He yelled.

“Again? Unbelievable.” Scotty said.

“That’s alright, Mr. Larsen. We’ll wait with you.” Rollins told him, holding in her laugh. Scotty looked to her and nodded her head slightly at the table. Understanding the meaning, Amanda placed her hands on the table in a natural manner. Scotty reached forward and interlaced their fingers.

“Are we still on for dinner tonight?” She whispered, making sure that her voice was soft, but still managed to be heard by Ricky. Amanda covered their laced fingers with her other hand and smiled lovingly at the brunet.

“Are you kidding, I’ve been waiting for this all week.” She answered, squeezing their hands gently. Out of the corner of her eye Scotty could see Rick fidgeting. It wouldn’t be long now. 

“I know, I miss you so much, baby.” Scotty said. The endearment seemed to do the trick. Within seconds Ricky was out of his seat, moving around animatedly. 

“That’s it! All you bitches gonna burn in Hell! I’ll show you! I’ll show you like I showed her!” He yelled.

“Showed who?” Rollins asked, her voice raising slightly. “Cam?” All the while Scotty’s eyes never left Ricky, watching every move he made.

“Damn straight! Bitch deserved everything she got!” He yelled again but this time he made a move towards Amanda. With surprisingly quick movements, Scotty had him pinned to the table before anyone could make it through the door. Rollins pulled the cuffs from the holder on Scotty’s back and handed them to her. A moment later Ricky Larsen was placed back in his chair,   
but actually cuffed this time.

When they left the interrogation room the eyes of the entire team were transfixed on them. 

“Well, that was quite the show.” Amoro shot at them.

“Are you kidding? That was awesome!” Carisi said enthusiastically. “I mean, you were like ‘BAM’ and had that guy down in seconds!”

“Oh yea, she’s great. What’s going to happen when his lawyer says that they coerced him to confessing by faking a relationship?” Amaro ground out. “Or that he asked for a lawyer?” He added, smugness apparent in his face.

“Technically he didn’t ask for an attorney.” Scotty answered. In the corner of her eye she saw Liv mentally recalling the exchange before tilting her head to the side in agreement. “And how   
were we faking?” 

“Uh, you called her baby.” He answered.

“Common expression used by women. For all his lawyer knows, I call everyone that.” Scotty fired back.

“You said you had plans.” Amaro said, clearly not giving up.

“Who says we don’t?” Rollins asked, speaking for the first time, shooting him a look as if to say ‘try me’.

“Do you?” Fin asked, smiling at the entertainment.

“We do now.” Scotty said, winking at the older man.

“Doesn’t matter. Everything you just did was unethical.” Amaro argued.

“He didn’t want to talk, someone had to stay with him, so we had a conversation while we waited for the lawyer her didn’t ask for.” Scotty told him, getting tired of arguing.

“Yea, it’s not our fault this one doesn’t know how to whisper.” Rollins chuckled, nudging Scotty in the shoulder with her own.

“Amaro, they’re right.” Alex said when Nick opened his mouth to argue again.

“Oh, well, of course you agree with her!” Nick yelled. 

“Listen to me, you little-“Scotty started, advancing to the other man, but was held back by Amanda’s arm wrapping around her middle.

“That’s enough, all of you!” Liv yelled gaining everyone’s attention. “How about we act like the adults we are and not like kindergarteners? Shall we?” Everyone nodded. “Good, Amaro, let   
Alex deal with the legal stuff, it is her job you know. Everyone else, take the rest of the day, enjoy the rest of your Sunday.” When everyone dispersed Scotty hung back. She looked to Alex.

“Are you alright?” She asked.

“Yea, sweetie.” The old nickname falling off of her tongue before she could stop it. “Thanks for defending me.”

“Well…you know.” Scotty really hoped that she did. She wasn’t sure she was ready to fully go there with Alex yet. Alex nodded in understanding, though, so Scotty was put at ease for the time being.

“Yo, Scotty!” Amanda’s voice called through the bullpen. “We got plans or what?” Scotty turned and shot her a look.

“What did I say about the grammar?” She called back, heading in the direction of the blonde.

“I swear, it’s like they’re a bunch of teenagers.” She heard Liv mumble, Alex laughing in return.

“So, what’s on the agenda tonight?” Rollins asked as the left the precinct.

“Well, I have some pork chops in the slow cooker at home? You game?” Scotty asked.

“You sure know the way to a southern girl’s heart, don’t you? Alright, just give me your address and I’ll be there in about an hour.” After phone numbers were exchanged Scotty texted Rollins the address and they parted ways; Rollins to shower and change, Scotty to get dinner ready. Tonight was going to be interesting.


	7. Feeling the Love

When Amanda knocked on Scotty’s door 45 minutes later she heard the sound of tiny feet flying towards her. “Mommy, can I open?” A tiny voice called out.

“Honey, see who it is first!” Scotty yelled back.

“Who there?” The voice asked, a smile forming on Amanda’s mouth.

“Amanda.” She said. There was a moment of silence before the door opened slowly. When Amanda entered the apartment she saw a small girl standing on her tiptoes, arm extended as far as it would go, holding on to the doorknob. When the girl began to sway Amanda reached forward and pulled her in to her arms to keep her from falling. 

“Hello” The little one said, her brown hair falling around her face in waves. She had a small, green smudge on her check and her blue eyes were looking at her with curiosity. 

“Hello, there. I’m Amanda, what’s your name?” Amanda asked her.

“I Emmy.” The girl told her, her body starting to bounce slightly. “I three. Mommy says you work to-gef-er.” Amanda smiled at the mispronounced word. She could just picture Scotty cringing wherever she was in the house.

“I do.” Amanda said. “Where is your mommy?” Emmy extended her hand towards what Amanda assumed was the kitchen. 

When Scotty turned away from the pan of Mac’ N’ Cheese the sight of Amanda talking away to her little girl, who was perched on her hip, and a bottle of wine in her free hand met her. Her breath caught in her throat. She had never brought anyone to meet Emmy, coworker or otherwise. There was something about the blonde, however, that seemed to make her the exception.

“Dinner is ready. Emmy, why don’t you go wash up?” Scotty said, taking notice of the smudge on the girl’s face. Amanda lowered Emmy on the floor and off she went, stumbling down the hall. “I’m sorry, they were doing finger-painting at her day care today. She didn’t get any on you did she?” 

“No, she was fine.” Amanda assured the other woman. She held up the wine. “I brought this, least I could do since you cooked.” Scotty reached forward and took the offered bottle.

“Would you like a glass?” She asked, causing Amanda to tilt her head in apprehension. This was the part that Rollins always hated. It was best to get it out of the way though.

“I don’t drink.” Amanda told her. Scotty eyed the bottle before glancing back at her in confusion. “I’m in Gamblers Anonymous. I tend to gamble when I drink, so I don’t drink anymore.”   
Amanda finished. A reassuring smile appeared on Scotty’s face before she walked past Amanda into the living room silently. Had she done something wrong? Did Scotty want her to leave?  
When Scotty came back Amanda was still standing in the same spot, her face paler and her eyes wide with worry. She pulled the coin she had retrieved from her wallet and placed in the other woman’s palm. Amanda inspected the coin and recognized it instantly. It was a sobriety chip for four years.

“My name is Ryan Prescott and I am an alcoholic.” Ryan told her in a soft voice. All of a sudden Amanda wasn’t worried anymore. Scotty had taken all of her insecurities and showed her that, not only were they okay, but she shared them as well. Amanda went to return the coin but Scotty stopped her. “You keep it.” She said.

“Scotty, this is yours, I can’t keep it.” Amanda replied.

“One of the hardest things to accept, after admitting the problem of course, is realizing you aren’t alone in your recovery. That’s the whole point of the meetings, so that you don’t feel alone, but sometimes, in the real world, that becomes less pronounced. You feel like being an addict means that there’s this stain on your skin that you can’t wash off. Maybe keeping my coin will remind you that being an addict isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s an obstacle that you overcome every day, one that makes you the wonderful person that you are.” When Scotty finished she saw tears forming in Amanda’s eyes. Amanda rushed forward and pulled the other woman in a tight embrace.

“Thank you, Ryan.” She said. The moment was cut short when Amanda felt a tug on her pant leg. She looked down and saw Emmy’s, now clean, face looking back at her.

“I want hug too!” She said. Amanda leaned down and Emmy wrapped her arms around her neck. When she stood up the three of them formed a makeshift hug. Amanda felt Ryan squeeze them together a little tighter before releasing them and covertly wiping tears from her own eyes before looking to her daughter. 

“Time for dinner, bug!” She said excitedly, reaching out and tickling the little girl. Amanda, once again, lowered the girl to the floor while Ryan fixed her plate. Soon all three were seated together at the table, Ryan on one end with Amanda and Emmy on either side of her, all listening while Emmy rambled on about everything she did that day. Ryan only wincing slightly at the poor grammar.

When Emmy’s talking lessened and her eyes began to droop the women decided that it was time for her to turn in. While Ryan got her ready for bed Amanda put the plates in the sink and put the leftovers in the fridge. 

“Emmy wants to tell you good night.” Ryan said from behind her. “She’s getting out of the tub now.” Amanda turned and smiled at the other woman. They made their way to the bathroom where Emmy was trying, unsuccessfully, to pull on her sleep shirt. Both laughed softly before helping the child. Ryan held Emmy still while Amanda took hold of the shirt and pulled it over the young girl. Emmy smiled sleepily at them in thanks. Ryan scooped her up and led the way to the bedroom. Amanda pulled the ‘Frozen’ themed sheets back while Ryan laid the girl down. The brunet dropped a kiss to her forehead. “Good night, baby. I love you.” She said. She then watched as Amanda mimicked her movements, placing a kiss to her daughter’s face as well.

“It was really nice meeting you, Emmy, I’ll see you again soon.” Amanda whispered. “Sweet dreams.” They watched Emmy roll over and snuggle up to her pillow before turning out the lights and leaving the room.

Back in the living room Ryan directed Amanda to the couch before returning to the kitchen to refill their glasses of sweet tea. When she came back she flipped on the TV and turned it to Pandora where a country station began to play softly in the background.

“Are you sure you aren’t from Georgia?” Amanda laughed. “I still can’t believe you have sweet tea, and good tea at that!” 

“I may not be from Georgia, but it sure as hell didn’t feel like there was much of a difference sometimes growing up in a small town in Wisconsin.” Ryan told her. They lapsed in to a comfortable silence, just listening to the music and enjoying their beverages. 

“So.” Amanda said. “What made you want to join the FBI?” Ryan laughed.

“It’s sort of a long story.” Amanda raised her eyebrows at the response as if to say ‘and…’

“Alright, well, I moved to New Haven when I was Fourteen. Alex had just left, my mother had just died, and my home didn’t feel like home anymore so I just emancipated myself and   
moved.” Ryan told her. “So, there I was, this fourteen year old kid in these classes with twenty year olds getting my masters. Needless to say, I didn’t fit in.”

“I went to this party one night where there was alcohol.” She continued. “My classmates made a game out of it, I think. Who could get me to drink first, how much I could drink, how well I could hold my liquor. I realized that I fit in more when I drank. They liked me more. So it became a habit.”

“Flash-forward a few years and there I am, wasted out of my mind, and my so-called friends and I are breaking in to this convenient store. We hear sirens and they all take off, leaving me there confused as hell while the police cuff me. They let me sleep it off in a holding cell, but the next day I was thrown in to an interrogation room and in walks the FBI.” Amanda’s face contorts to a bewildered expression before Ryan continues.

“Apparently the store we broke in to sold stamps which technically made it a post office. Anyway, this guy proceeds to tell me that my brain is a gift, one that not a lot of people have, and I should use it to help people. He made sure none of it went on my record, got me in to a program, and as soon as I was eighteen I enrolled at Quantico.” Ryan finished. Amanda placed her hand in Ryan’s and interlaced their fingers. 

“I’m so sorry.” She whispered.

“Don’t be. It made me who I am.” Ryan said. “Plus, if I hadn’t gone through that, I wouldn’t have Emmy. She makes it all worth it.”

“Or found Alex again” Amanda added. “How are you doing with that?” Ryan let out a small sigh.

“Not really sure.” She answered. “I look at her and I still see my mom, but she left. And I know she had no choice, but I think that’s what’s making this harder. If she left of her own volition, then I could be mad, but she didn’t so I can’t. I don’t know how I feel.” Amanda looked at her intently, narrowing her eyes slightly.

“There’s more though, isn’t there?” She said. “There’s something holding you back. You don’t have to tell me, but I think maybe you should talk with Alex about it.” Ryan smiled at her.

“I thought that I was the behaviorist here.” She said cheekily. “Enough about me, though. What’s the deal with you and Nick?”

“Oh, we had a thing for about a minute.” Amanda told her. “We were sleeping together, but then something happened at work and…”

“The sort of spark was gone?” Ryan finished, earning a nod from the other woman. “What happened?” She asked. 

“Well…” 

“Feel free to tell me to mind my own business.” Ryan said, causing Amanda to smile at her.

“No, it’s fine. We were in a hostage situation. This guy was holding a bunch of students hostage.” Amanda said. “I got the guy to let the kids and Nick go, but…”

“But a sniper was given the green light.” Ryan said, realizing what the other woman was talking about. “That was you? That was all over the news, the cop who was in there with him, that was you?” Amanda nodded. Ryan scooted closer to the blonde and placed her free handover their interlaced ones. “Amanda, you could have been killed.” Ryan whispered, realizing that, had things gone differently, she would have never met the other woman.

“But I didn’t.” Amanda assured her. “Ryan, I had the guy. I had him, he was putting the gun down and then they killed him.” Ryan pulled the other woman into her arms. They held each other for a few moments before releasing and backing away, still keeping their arms around each other.

“So, after that the sleeping around stopped, I take it.” Ryan said, effectively changing the subject. Amanda laughed. For the first time someone had actually listened to her without telling her ‘it’s not your fault’. She felt like Ryan actually understood that nothing was going to make that better, just time.

“Yes. I stopped it, but he wants to keep it up.” Amanda told her. She looked at her phone and realized that it was already after eleven. “Wow, it is really late. I should probably head home.” Amanda said, easing herself off of the couch.

“Yea, got to be in early tomorrow.” Ryan said standing next to her. Amanda walked to the door where her jacket was hanging and quickly put it on.

“You coming to the precinct tomorrow?” Amanda asked. Since they got Larsen, technically the case was over.

“Yea, I have to fill out some paperwork and Liv texted me earlier and told me she needed to talk to me.” Ryan told her, her hand going to fix the collar of Amanda’s denim jacket.

“Good, don’t want to get rid of you too soon.” Amanda joked causing the brunet to laugh lightly. Ryan’s hand slipped from her collar to around her neck, caressing softly. A shiver ran through Amanda at the touch of her skin. Ryan’s eyes flicked down to Amanda’s lips before returned to the woman’s blue eyes. The blond took a small step closer to the brunet, which Ryan took as encouragement. She slipped her free hand around Amanda’s waist and pulled her closer before lowering her mouth and bringing their lips together.

Amanda moan lightly at the sensation of the kiss. She had never kissed a woman before, but damn, she had been missing out. She reached up and cupped Ryan’s face with both of her hands, pulling the other woman closer to her and kissing her harder. When Ryan felt Amanda’s tongue brush against her lips her mouth opened in surprise. Amanda slid her hands up and fisted Ryan’s hair deepening the kiss, causing Ryan to whimper into her mouth. When air became an issue the kiss was broken, leaving both woman panting lightly. 

“I should really go.” Amanda told her. Ryan only nodded in reply, not able to form words at the moment. Amanda hesitated slightly before leaning forward and kissing her chastely. Ryan walked her to the door and wished her good night. When the door was shut she felt her legs give out and she slid to the ground. That was an interesting development.

Meanwhile, in another apartment, Olivia woke alone in the dark. She had left Alex around six to come home to spend time with Noah while the blonde went back to her office to finish some briefs for the next week. After feeding Noah and putting him to bed she managed to stay awake for another hour before giving up the fight and heading to bed. Alex would be there when she woke up, she always was now. 

She looked to her bedside table and saw that it was 11:45. She had been asleep for almost two hours. The sound of light snores could be heard coming through the baby monitor. Snores that she knew all too well. Smile on her face, Olivia got up and headed down the hallway to her son’s room. Sure enough, there in the rocker by the crib sat a snoring Alex, Noah asleep in her arms. Olivia’s heart swelled at the sight. She knew that simply taking Noah would startle Alex awake so Olivia settled for gently nudging the other woman. She smiled when Alex’s tired eyes met her own. “Hi there, sleepy head.” Olivia said.

“Hello.” Alex said, voice still laced with sleep. 

“Why are you in here?” Liv asked her.

“Noah was fussy when I got home so I came in here to see what the fuss was about.” Alex told her, stifling a yawn. Olivia nodded, smiling at the thought of this as Alex’s home, as she lifted the boy from the blonde’s lap and returned him to his bed. She held out her hand for the other woman and led her to her bedroom. Olivia returned to bed while Alex left to brush her teeth. When she returned she was dressed in her sweats and tee shirt. As she walked to the bed she removed her glasses with one hand and adorably rubbed her eyes with the other. Olivia’s breath caught in her throat at the domesticity of the scene. “I love you.” She said before she could think about it. Alex went deathly still at the words. When she looked at the detective her eyes were wide and searching. “I-I’m sorry, I-“

“Did you mean it?” Alex asked with a small voice. ‘Shit’ Olivia thought. Did she mean it? Yes, yes she did. The timing might have been off, but she did mean it.

“Yes.” Olivia told her, pulling the woman into bed. “I know it’s early, I mean it’s only been a few days-“

“Actually, if you think about it, we’ve technically been dating for years. We’ve just never been intimate.” Alex said, interrupting her. Olivia smiled at her logic.

“Alexandra Cabot, I love you.” She told the blonde, cupping her face with her palm. “I love you with everything that I am. You don’t have to say it back to me yet, but now that I’ve said it I   
can’t not say it anymore. I love you.” Liv wiped the tears from Alex’s cheeks and leaned forward to press their lips together.

“Olivia Benson, you are the love of my life.” Alex said when the kiss ended. “I love you too, so much baby.” Liv leaned forward again, kissing her with earnest. The kiss was slow and gently, yet filled with need. Alex’s hands wrapped around Liv’s waist and maneuvered under her sleep shirt. She needed to feel the detective, she needed her. She tugged on the hem of the shirt slightly. Liv, understanding the request, pulled away and lifted the shirt from her body. Alex did the same, tossing her shirt to the floor along with the detective’s. 

Both let out a moan when their bare torsos touched for the first time. Olivia pressed the blonde onto her back, kissing her again. She felt Alex’s fingernails scratching down her back as she kissed her way to Alex’s chest. She wasted no time taking a breast into her mouth, pressing her tongue against the pebbling flesh. Alex moaned in response, her hand moving to fist in the detective’s hair, pressing her closer to her body. After paying the same attention to the other breast, Olivia began to move lower, taking the time to swirl her tongue through the blonde’s belly button before coming to rest at the apex of Alex’s thighs. She slid her fingers through the waistband of the sweats before she looked again to the other woman. Alex nodded her head, giving Olivia the permission to keep going.

After tossing the pants to the floor, Olivia was finally able to take in a naked Alex Cabot for the first time. The sight was breathtaking. Her hair was fanned out over her pillow, her chest heaving, and her center glistening. Liv gently ran her fingertips up the other woman’s smooth legs, causing her to squirm in return, before she reached her goal. Olivia inhaled the scent of Alex’s arousal before pressing a kiss to her folds. Alex whimpered at the contact. The detective swiped her tongue the length of Alex’s core before pressing it to her bundle of nerves.   
Alex was beside herself with pleasure. Every move Olivia made sent her higher and higher. She ran her fingers through the Liv’s chestnut hair before tugging lightly. Olivia, in return, pushed two fingers through Alex’s opening, pumping slowly. 

“Oh God, Liv.” Alex sighed out. Knowing Alex wouldn’t last much longer, Olivia returned her attention to the blonde’s clit. She sucked hard, scraping her teeth against it once, twice, three times before she felt the other woman shatter around her. She felt wave after wave of pleasure leave Alex. It was exhilarating. She helped the blonde ride out her orgasm before pulling her hand free and making her way up Alex’s body, dropping kisses here and there, ending with a kiss to the lips. 

When Olivia pulled back Alex smiled drowsily back at her, her eyes slowly drooping shut. When she kissed Alex again she felt the other woman try to switch their positions. She held Alex firmly in her position and pulled out of the kiss. “Not tonight. Tonight was for you.” She told the blonde.

“But-“Alex tried to argue. Olivia cut her off with another kiss, which she deepened immediately. Alex moaned quietly at the taste of herself on the detective.

“Just sleep, baby.” Olivia said when they broke apart. “I’ll still be here when you wake up.” She promised, her mind flying back to the first time she promised that. My, how far they had come. Alex nodded in return. The blonde turned over, allowing Liv to snuggle up to her back, pressing light kiss there.

“Hmm, g’night, Liv. Love you.” Alex mumbled sleepily.

“Love you too, baby.” Olivia replied, pulling her closer before sleep took them.


	8. The Talk

When Scotty came through her office doorway the next day Liv was reminiscing in the events of the night before, a small smile gracing her features when she remembered the way the other woman came tugging her hair. 

“Okay, whatever train of thought is going on in that head of yours right now, make it stop. Immediately!” Scotty’s voice cut through her thoughts. When Liv looked at her she saw the girl directing a laugh at her. “I have no idea who or what you were thinking of that led to that sex-glow-happy-face you were just sporting, but I don’t think I want to.” Liv chucked at the girl before motioning for her to sit.

“I got a call from your supervisor yesterday.” Olivia said, getting straight to business. Scotty quirked an eyebrow at her in curiosity. “Apparently, this team doesn’t have the best reputation with the FBI when it comes to cooperation.” 

“That’s an understatement.” Scotty laughed. “There are horror stories at the field office about this team.” 

“Yes, well, it has come to your boss’ attention that this is the first time our people have been able to work together without incident.” Liv told her. “As a result, you have been reassigned to   
this unit to be a liaison between us and the Feds. The first six months will be a trial period. After that, if this continues to work, you will be reassigned to us permanently.” 

“So…does this make you my boss?” Scotty asked.

“I would assume so.” Liv chuckled. “All of that work for you?”

“I shall be at your disposal, my lady.” Scotty answered, standing and talking a small bow.

“Ugh, get out of here, kid.” Liv said, tossing a paper ball at the younger girl. Scotty laughed at the other woman before turning and heading to the door. She stopped suddenly at the door and turned back to Olivia, her face having grown somber. 

“Sargent.” Scotty said, causing Olivia to focus on her again, her eyebrows raised. “You remember what I said?” Olivia smiled at her.

“I remember, Ryan.” She told the other brunet. “I will try my best to make sure it never comes to that.”

“You better.” Scotty told her before leaving the office. 

When Scotty reentered the bullpen she saw Rollins filling out DD-5s at her desk. She walked over and leaned herself against the desk, causing the blonde to look at her. “Hey.” Scotty smiled at her.

“Hey.” Amanda said, sliding her chair away from the other woman slightly, causing Scotty to frown. “Can we talk?” She asked, gesturing to the crib. 

Once in the crib, Amanda turned to face the other woman when the door was shut. Scotty watched as Amanda began to pace the small room. “Listen, about last night-“Amanda began, but was stopped when Ryan came forward and grasped her hands with her own.

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Ryan told her gently, her thumbs rubbing gently on the backs of the blonde’s hands. “We can do whatever you want, okay. If you want to see where this goes, we will. If you want us to go back to being friends, that’s fine. If you never want to see me again…” Ryan stopped at that. No, that wouldn’t work. “If that’s the case, then we’ll have to figure out a way around that because I work here now, but the point is there is no pressure.” Amanda’s eyes went wide slightly at that.

“What?” She asked.

“That’s what Liv wanted to talk to me about. I’ve been reassigned to this unit.” Ryan told her. She reached up and cupped the blonde’s face in both her hands before continuing. “What happens now is up to you. We will do whatever you want.” Amanda’s hands came up to grasp the other woman’s wrists.

“What do you want?”

“That doesn’t matter.” Ryan told her.

“It does to me.” Rollins replied.

“I…” Ryan trailed off, trying to think. “I want to see where this goes.” She finally said. “I feel something with you, something I’ve never felt before. This is different, but I want to experience this with you.” 

“But you need to understand that this isn’t just about us.” Ryan continued. “I have a daughter. A daughter who is rather smitten with you after last night. If we decide to pursue this, you have to be ready for that, because I don’t do casual.” Ryan pressed a sweet kiss to her forehead.

“I know that right now things in your head are going a little crazy.” Ryan said. “Mainly because the ‘does this make me gay?’ game is going on, but just take your time and think about what I said.” She waited for the blonde to nod before stepping back and leaving the room.

Alex had just strode into the bullpen when Scotty walked down the stairs from the crib. The blonde wore a dark expression and nodded to Liv’s office when she saw her.

When she entered the office she saw Liv and Alex talking softly. They both turned to her. “I got a call this morning from the prison.” Alex told them. “Ricky Larsen was stabbed to death last night in his cell.”

“What? By who?” Scotty asked.

“No one knows. Apparently the other inmates didn’t like that he assaulted a 19 year old girl.” Alex said.

“Geez.” Said Rollin’s voice from the doorway. Before anything else could be said Amaro came racing into the office. 

“I just got a call from Leanne Sherman’s roommate. Says she got a phone call and took off this morning. Campus security found her. She’s sitting on the roof of a part of the school. She says she’s gonna jump.” He said, his breaths coming out in short pants from running.

“Everyone, let’s go.” Liv said as they all raced out the door.

When they arrived at the scene they say that a crowd had already started to form and were being held at bay by security. There were a few uniformed officers standing at their cruiser with a megaphone nearby. Liv walked right up to them.

“Officer, what’s going on?” She asked.

“Campus security found her about an hour ago. We’ve tried to make contact, but nothing.” He said.

“Alright, when will the negotiator get here?” Liv asked. The officer just looked at her, confused.

“Were we supposed to call one?” He asked. Liv just stared at him, dumbfounded. She narrowed her eyes at him but was stopped from saying anything by a hand on her arm. She turned and saw Scotty looking at her.

“Let me go.” She told her. Olivia looked from the brunet to the girl on the roof.

“You sure?” She asked.

“Liv, this is my job.” She had a point there. 

By the time Scotty had made it to the roof of the building she was wearing a vest, ‘precaution’ Liv had said, a mic was clipped to it, an earpiece was snug in her left ear, and a hot chocolate in her hand. She made her way to the girl slowly, so as not to startle her. “Leanne?” At the sound of her voice the girl turned. “I brought you something to warm you up. Can I come closer?” The girl nodded. Scotty handed the beverage to the girl before situating herself into a sitting position that mimicked that of the girl, feet dangling over the side.

“What are you doing?” Leanne asked.

“Here’s the thing. There are two ways that this is going to end. Either we both get off this ledge and go down there together, or we both jump to our deaths. Either way, I’m not leaving   
you.” Leanne just stared at her. “I’ve got to say though, I’m leaning more towards the first option.” Scotty said, causing a small laugh to leave the young woman.

“What!” Alex yelled after hearing Scotty through the radio. She looked at Liv who looked just as bewildered as she was. “Liv! She can’t be serious!” Olivia grasped her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Let her do her job, baby.” The endearment having the desired relaxing effect on the blonde. Her eyes darted to Rollins then. The other blonde had grown ghostly pale, her eyes never leaving the roof. She hoped Ryan knew what she was doing.

Back on the roof Scotty just sat there in silence with Leanne. “Ricky’s dead.” The girl said.

“I know.” Scotty told her gently. 

“It’s my fault. All of it; Cam getting hurt, Ricky’s death, all of it.” Leanne’s monotone voice said.

“That’s one way to look at it.” Scotty said. Leanne just looked at her. “I’ve been there, kid. When shit happens all around you and all you can think is that it’s all your doing and maybe, just maybe, if you weren’t around anymore then no one else would get hurt.”

“What happened to you?” Leanne asked. Scotty chuckled lightly. So much for processing.

“When I was fourteen I got into an argument with my mom’s girlfriend.” Scotty began. “They had been together for about two years and she had become like a second mother to me. Anyway, I don’t even remember what the argument was about, but I do remember it ending with me telling her that I wished we had never met her and that we would be better off without her.”

Down on the ground Alex’s eyes misted with tears. She had forgotten about that. 

“Then I ran off to my room like the petulant child I was.” Scotty continued. “The next morning she made me breakfast, I ignored her, and went to school. When I came home she was gone. I spent nine years thinking that I made her leave. That she left because she hated me.”

“Did you see her again?” Leanne asked.

“She came back into my life a few days ago.” Scotty answered. “I look at her and I still see my mom, but then I think ‘she should hate me’. I hated me for a long time, why doesn’t she.”

“Fact is, I wasn’t why she left.” She continued. “Monumentally bad timing and circumstances neither of us could have foreseen made her leave, not me, but I’m still scared. Scared that she’ll see I’m not worth the trouble. Or that she’ll leave again and I won’t survive it this time.”

“Are you going to tell her?” Leanne said.

“I’ll make you a deal.” Scotty told her. “We get off this roof and I’ll talk to her if you talk to Cam.”

“You’ll really talk to her?”

“I’m going to have to, now.” Leanne looked at her questioningly. Scotty nodded to the ground. “She’s down there.” The other girl nodded in understanding. The sight of a young woman running into the crowd below them caught Scotty’s attention. It was Cam.

“Look at that.” She said, pointing to the girl. “Cam looks worried.” Leanne’s eyes found her girlfriend’s form in the mass of people and swallowed thickly. “You honestly think she would be here if she blamed you?” That seemed to do the trick. Leanne slumped into her body as she shook with sobs.

A few minutes later Scotty exited the building, Leanne still leaning into her. As soon as they came in to view Cam raced to them and engulfed her girlfriend in her embrace, both girls sobbing. Before Scotty could move, her body was being yanked behind a cruiser, away from the crowd. 

“Don’t you ever do that again!” Amanda said to her. Her hands flying over the other woman’s body, tearing the vest off in the process, checking for injuries.

“Rollins…Rollins…Amanda!” Scotty yelled, grabbing the other woman’s hands. “I’m fine, all I did was sit and talk.” 

“You said-“

“To get her to trust me. I wasn’t really going to jump.” Amanda seemed to deflate slightly and hurled her body into Ryan’s, arms going around the taller woman’s neck. “Hey, I’m ok-“Ryan started but was cut off by lips attaching to her own. It was hard and demanding and Ryan returned it earnestly. 

“If we’re gonna do this, then I need you alive.” Rolins told her, smiling.

“Amanda, your adrenaline is pumping, this-“

“I knew that I wanted to do this when we were in the crib.” Amanda told her. “Yes, when you were on that roof I couldn’t breathe for a moment, but I want this because of you, not that.” Ryan pressed her lips to Amanda’s again. 

When they broke apart Amanda pressed her face to the crook of Scotty’s neck while the other woman looked around them. Alex and Olivia stood to the side, effectively shielding them from sight and actively not looking. Ryan wrapped her arms around Amanda’s waist and squeezed gently before pressing a kiss to her temple then releasing her. 

When they got back to the precinct Alex turned to Ryan. “We need to talk.” The blonde said. The brunet’s eyes widened.

“Alex-“

“Ryan Lee Prescott, you will talk to me right now, young lady!” Alex said sternly causing the two women around them to back away slightly. Ryan’s eyes widened further. 

“Why don’t you guys use my office?” Liv said. Alex turned on her heal, not even waiting for a reply. Ryan looked to the other brunet and nodded. As she walked she heard Liv make a whipping noise to which Ryan raised her middle finger in reply.

As soon as the door to the office was shut Alex took the smaller woman in her arms and held her tight. Ryan hugged her back for a moment before pushing back slightly to look at the blonde. 

“Ryan, about what you said…”

“I’m sorry you had to hear that-“ 

“Not on the roof.” Alex told her. “That night.” At the mention of the argument Ryan backed away, her gaze falling to the floor. “I know you didn’t mean it. I knew it then.” She told her. 

Alex took the brunets face in her hands, forcing their eyes to meet. “Ryan, I want you to listen to me, really listen, okay?” She waited for the other girl to nod. “I loved you that first night when you kicked my ass in chess. I loved you the day after we argued. And I love you now.” She said, wiping the tears that were falling from Ryan’s eyes.

“I love you so much, sweetie, I never stopped. And I am so proud of you.” She finished, pulling the girl into her arms again, both crying now.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Ryan sobbed out. Alex ran her fingers through the brown hair and rubbed circles on her back.

“It’s okay, baby. I know.” She whispered, pressing a kiss to her hair.

“I love you too, Mom.” Ryan whispered, causing Alex to hold her tighter. 

After a few seconds Alex pulled back lightly, still keeping Ryan in her arms, and looked into her eyes. “No matter what has happened, or what will happen, you will always be my daughter, do you understand?” Alex said. Ryan nodded, not trusting her voice. Alex pulled her in and held her tight. “Oh, baby I missed you so much.” Ryan sniffled.

“I missed you too, Mom. No more leaving.” Ryan said as the pulled apart again, holding her pinky out like she had many times years prior. Alex chuckled at the gesture, wrapping her own pinky around the appendage.

“No more leaving.” Alex promised. She stepped back and leaned on Liv’s desk, wiping her smeared mascara. “So, you and Rollins, huh?” Alex asked, causing Ryan to laugh.

“Yea, you and Benson, huh?” Ryan answered. Alex laughed with her then. 

“Yes. Oh, please no more threatening my girlfriend in the future.” Alex told her, playfully glaring. Ryan gasped.

“She told you! She can’t do that! There’s a code!” Ryan exaggerated. 

“Seriously, does she make you happy?” Ryan asked after a few moments.

“So, so happy.” Alex whispered. Ryan smiled at her.

“Good.” The brunet looked past her to the two detectives outside the door. “It seems you have a type.” She laughed. It was true. Nicole was a dead ringer for Liv. Alex smiled at her.

“I did love your mother.” Alex assured her.

“I know.” Ryan told her. “I think we should probably head out there though.” She said. “Liv looks a little worried.”

“I can still kick your ass in chess.” Ryan said as they left the office.

Liv and Rollins both stood when they saw the door open, both sighing with relief when they saw Alex’s arm was casually slung over Ryan’s shoulders while Ryan was leaning into Alex slightly, both laughing. The woman parted and headed to their respective significant others. 

“Everything okay?” Liv asked quietly. Alex nodded, smiling brightly. She gestured her head at the two women to the right of them. Liv turned and saw Rollins holding tightly to Scotty. She smiled when she saw Scotty press a kiss to Rollin’s hair. “Hey, lovebirds!” Liv yelled. Ryan turned to them.

“Can you really say that to us?” She asked, causing the other women to laugh.

“You guys want to join us for dinner at my place?” Liv asked. Alex raised her eyebrows at the detective.

“Are you sure?” The lawyer asked. Liv nodded.

“Yea, first family dinner.” Everyone smiled. Ryan looked to Amanda who nodded.

“We’re game.” Ryan stated.

An hour later saw Amanda and Ryan standing in front of Olivia’s door. Amanda held Emmy to her hip while Ryan held the bottle of wine from the night before in one hand and a bag in the other. When the door opened there stood Alex wearing jeans and white tee shirt, a look Rollins had never seen before. “Hey guys!” Alex said enthusiastically as they entered. Amanda looked to Ryan, forming a plan in her mind.

“Here, trade me.” She told Ryan, handing Emmy off to her and taking the wine and bag. “Liv in the kitchen?” After receiving a nod in confirmation she left the three of them alone.  
Ryan looked to Alex was staring intently at Emmy. It was time, this needed to happen.

Ryan walked to the couch and sat with Emmy on her lap. She ran a hand through the child’s chestnut curls before speaking. “Baby, do you remember me telling you about my two moms?” 

“Yea.” Emmy answered. “One went away and one went to heaven.” Alex smiled at the interaction. 

“That’s right.” Ryan said, gesturing for Alex to come closer. Alex stepped forward and kneeled on the floor next to them. “Well, Alex here, had to go away for a while, but she’s back now.”   
Ryan added. “She is my mom.” The little girl leaned forward and whispered something in the brunet’s ear, causing the woman to smile. She looked to Alex. “She wants to know what to call   
you.” Alex stared at the two of them for a moment. How was she supposed to answer that? Ryan seemed to read Alex’s mind.

“It would probably be inappropriate for her to call her grandmother by her first name, don’t you think?” Ryan said. Alex’s eyes shot to Ryan for a moment. “No more leaving.” She whispered.

“No more leaving.” Alex whispered back, smiling. “You know, I’ve always been kind of partial to Nana.” Ryan nodded before turning to her daughter again.

“Alrighty, then.” She said. “Emily Nicole Prescott, meet your Nana.” She heard Alex’s breath catch. She looked to her mother again. “I told you I named her after my mom. I just neglected to say it was both of them.” Alex’s smile widened as she leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Ryan’s temple. “Alex Cabot, meet your granddaughter.” As soon as the words left her mouth   
Emily leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Alex’s neck, hugging her tightly. The girl was quickly pulled off of her mother’s lap as Alex stood, swinging the girl slightly.

Ryan turned and saw Amanda standing next to Olivia who was holding her son in the entryway. She stood and made her them, wrapping one arm around Amanda, letting her mother have a moment alone with her newly acquired grandchild. “And how long have you three been standing here?” She asked, her free hand reaching out to tickle the little boy’s chin.

“We gave you two privacy.” Liv assured. Ryan merely raised her eyebrows.

“She means we were here the whole time.” Amanda told her causing the two of them to laugh.

“This must be Noah.” Ryan said, Liv smiling in return. “What a strapping young man.” 

“Well, it’s time for this strapping young man to go to bed. Everyone say good night.” Liv said. Liv lowered him slightly for Ryan and Amanda to kiss him good night before making her way   
to her girlfriend who was talking animatedly to Emily.

“Are you alright?” Amanda asked, her arms going around Ryan’s neck. Ryan looked around at the people around her. She had her daughter, mother, girlfriend, and…whatever Liv was to her now. Sort-of-step-mother? Maybe? Who cared, all that mattered was that they were a family, however unconventional, they may be. She had a family again.

“I am so much better than alright.” Ryan told her, pressing their lips together in a gentle kiss. A throat clearing forced them to separate. They turned and saw the other two women looking at them.

“Uh, hello, children are present. Control yourselves.” Liv said as she made her way down the hall. Ryan placed another chaste kiss to Amanda’s lips before pulling away and grabbing the   
bag Amanda had placed on the dining table. 

“Hey, Emmy, want to see Mommy beat Nana at chess?” Ryan asked, causing Emily to bounce in the blonde’s arms and Alex to glare playfully at her.

“Oh, it is on.” Alex said. By the time Liv returned they had set the chess set up on the coffee table and were sitting on the floor around it, Emily on Amanda’s lap. 

“Oh no you don’t!” Ryan said when Olivia went to sit next to Alex. “You broke the code once, you’ll probably help her cheat.” Liv and Alex laughed while Amanda mumbled under her breath.

“Mommy, Manda said you a child.” Emily said.

“Emily, we’re gonna have a talk about the code later.” Amanda told the child. 

“Alright!” Ryan said, rubbing her palms together. “Mother, it is time to stop stalling your demise.”

“You watch it, young lady.” Alex said, causing Ryan to shiver a little.

“Don’t say that. I gives me flashbacks to when I set the cat on fire.” Ryan said, making Alex laugh and Amanda and Liv to stare at her. 

“You did what?” Amanda asked.

“Long story short, I needed to heat something too big for the microwave and Mom was using the stove.” Ryan explained.

“So, instead she uses a can of my hairspray and a lighter.” Alex finished, laughing. “She just didn’t expect the cat to jump on the table she was using.”

“Hey, it worked, too.” Ryan defended. “I was the victim.”

“That argument didn’t work then, nor will it work now.” All the women laughed, Emily entertaining herself with Amanda’s phone, while Ryan and Alex began their game.

“You let her win, didn’t you?” Olivia asked the other brunet while she added the finishing touches on dinner. Ryan looked at her from where she stood at the fridge making everyone’s   
drinks. She looked to the dining room where Amanda and Alex were talking amongst themselves while helping Emily set the table. She looked back to Olivia and smiled.

“You have no proof.” She said. Liv smiled at her and then looked back to dinner. 

“You know that threat you gave me about Alex?” Liv asked, never looking up from her work. “Same goes for you. You hurt Amanda and I’ll end you.” Ryan smiled at her.

“I will try my best to make sure it never comes to that.” She repeated back to her, causing Olivia to smile wider at her.

Ryan looked around the table as they ate. Olivia was seated at one end with Alex at the other. Emily, having insisted that she sit next to her Nana, was seated to Alex’s right. On Alex’s left was Ryan with Amanda seated between her and Liv. Ryan listened to Emily ramble to Alex and Olivia and Amanda talking softly. She saw Alex turn to her in the corner of her eye. When their eyes met, the blonde shot her a blinding smile. Yes, this was what family felt like. She finally had a family again.


	9. Making a New Life

In the weeks following their family dinner both couples grew closer in their relationship. Alex had unofficially moved in with Liv and Noah, while Amanda was spending most nights with Ryan and Emily. Before any of them realized it was getting close to Thanksgiving.

The feeling of a small hand patting her cheek woke Amanda from her slumber. She opened her eyes and saw Emily standing close to her, hair tangled from bed and thumb stuck in her mouth. She smiled at the child and sat up, pulling the girl in her lap. “Where Mommy?” Emmy asked around the thumb. Amanda looked to the empty bed beside her. There was a note on the pillow. 

‘Got called out with Fin. I’ll try to be back for breakfast.

-R’

“Looks like she had to go in early.” Amanda told her. “Why? Am I not good enough for you all of a sudden?” Amanda joked. Emily laughed in return before hugging the detective.

“No ‘Manda, I like you here.” The girl said softly against her neck. Before Amada could reply she felt her stomach churn. As gently as possible, she pushed Emily onto the bed and ran to the   
bathroom. Emily tried to follow but was stopped by the sound of the front door opening. 

Ryan was placing the warm beverages she had picked up on the table when a three foot weight hit her legs. She scooped her daughter in her arms, pressing a loving kiss to her   
cheek. “Morning, bug. You sleep okay?” She asked.

“Mommy, I fink ‘Manda sick again.” Was her reply. Ryan looked questioningly at the girl.

“Bathroom?” She asked. Emily nodded. Ryan sat her on the couch and turned on some cartoons for her before retreating to find her girlfriend. If that’s even what the other woman was.   
They hadn’t really had a chance to discuss exactly what they were after Amanda’s ‘I want to do this’ speech at Hudson. Amanda spent most of her free time with them, but Ryan had actively avoided that conversation, trying not to pressure the blonde. 

When she entered her bathroom she saw the other woman rinsing toothpaste from her mouth, leaning heavily on the sink. “Hey, babe, Emmy said you were sick.” She said, walking to Amanda and checking her temperature with her hand.

“I’m fine.” Amanda said after spitting. “Probably just something I ate.” 

“Something that’s taking three days to kick?” Ryan asked. The past couple of mornings had consisted of the blonde getting sick at some point before they left. “Baby, I think maybe you-“

“Don’t tell me I need to stay home.” Amanda interrupted her, not wanting to have this conversation again.

“I was going to say see a doctor, but that would work too.” Ryan said, following the blonde into the bedroom. “You’re no good to anyone if you’re sick.” Amanda turned around and cupped   
the brunet’s face with her hands.

“Honey, I am fine. Really I feel much better.” Amanda said, causing Ryan to raise her eyebrows. “Alright, if I start to feel bad again, I will come home. Scout’s honor.” Ryan nodded before pressing a chaste kiss to her mint-tasting lips. She headed to the door, stopping only when a thought hit her.

“You were never a scout, were you?” She asked, looking back to the blonde.

“Ha, nope” Amanda answered. Ryan returned to the kitchen, leaving the other woman to finish getting ready. 

When Amanda reappeared a few moments later Emily was eating cereal at the table while Ryan finished applying peanut butter to a few pieces of toast. The brunet handed the plate to her, Amanda’s heart warming at the thoughtfulness. When she sat at the table Ryan placed a warm cup in front of her. She took a hesitant sip, happy to note that it was hot chocolate. The previous morning the smell of coffee only made her feel worse. She smiled in thanks to the brunet who had seated herself beside her, munching on her own toast.

Meanwhile, a similar scene could be seen at Olivia’s apartment. Liv was laughing while Alex made funny faces at Noah. “So, have you thought about Thanksgiving?” Olivia asked, causing Alex to look at her, much to Noah’s dismay. 

“We’re still celebrating together, right?” Alex asked. For the past couple of years the two had spent the holiday together since they had no other family. 

“Of course.” Liv assured her, covering one of Alex’s hands with her own. “I just meant, are you going to invite Ryan?”

“Oh.” Alex said. “It’s up to you really.” 

“How do you figure?” Liv asked, chuckling lightly. “Baby, she’s your daughter. If you want to invite her, then I think you should.”

“It’s your apartment.” Alex pointed out. 

“Honey, you practically live here, too.” Liv argued. “You’ve gone to your place a couple of times to get clothes, but other than that you spend all of your time here. You might as well move   
in.” The brunet said, causing Alex to look at her carefully.

“I’m confuse as to what is going on right now.” The blonde said. “Are you asking me to move in or are you just stating a fact?”

“Well, let’s ask the boss then.” Olivia said, looking to her son. “Noah, what do you think? She we let Alex move in?” The little boy just cooed and smiled at them, drool leaving his mouth in   
the process. “It’s settled then, you’re moving in!” Liv said enthusiastically, hugging the other woman.

“I love you.” Alex mumbled into Liv’s shoulder, giddy at the prospect of officially living together.

“I love you too, baby.” Olivia replied. “Invite her to Thanksgiving.” Alex nodded. “And Rollins, can’t leave her out.”

Scotty was reading over a case file when her cell phone rang. Checking the ID, she smiled before answering. “Hey, Mom.” She said. Alex’s smile widened on the other end. Ryan had been calling her that more and more since the talk they had. She was loving it.

“Key, kiddo, I was just calling to see if you had any plans for Thanksgiving.” She said.

“Oh, you know, just Emmy and me alone, ordering pizza. The usual.” Ryan told her, laughing.

“Ryan Lee, that better be a joke.” Alex said sternly, causing Ryan to laugh harder.

“Do you have a better plan?” 

“I was thinking you, Emily, and Amanda could join the festivities at our place.” Ryan got quiet all of a sudden.

“Our place?” She questioned. Alex laughed.

“Liv asked me to move in this morning. So yes, our place.” 

“You do know the definition of U-hauling, right?” Ryan joked. “We will be there”

“Really” Alex asked, thinly veiling her insecurity. It still amazed her sometimes how far the two of them had come since that initial meeting weeks before.

“Yes.” Ryan assured her.

“You sure you don’t have to check with your woman?” Alex jibed back.

“I’m sure it’s fine.” Ryan said. “I’ll talk to you soon. Let me know if we should bring anything.”

The two talked for a few more moments before exchanging goodbyes and ending the call. Scotty was happy for Alex. They had both talked at length about what had happened to them after Alex left. A few tears were shed and hugs were shared, but it brought them closer together which made it all worth it in their minds.

Scotty stood and made her way to the Sargent’s office, stopping at the doorway when she saw the dreamy look on the other woman’s face. This was how it had been. It seemed like Every   
time she looked at the other brunet she was lost in her imagination. “Do you ever stop daydreaming?” She asked, pulling Liv back to the present. Olivia jump slightly at the intrusion.

“Do you ever knock?” She fired back.

“Your door was open.” Ryan argued. She had her there. Liv laughed as Scotty stepped further in the office. 

“You here for a reason, or just to annoy me?” The Sargent asked. 

“I came to make sure that you were okay with us coming to Thanksgiving.” Olivia just looked at her. “It’s your first one as a couple, right? And, your first one with Noah. You sure you want   
us crashing it.” Liv smiled at the girl’s thoughtfulness, however unnecessary it may be.

“We talked about it this morning. We both want you there.” Liv told her. “So suck it up and deal.” Ryan laughed.

“You talked, huh?” Ryan asked. “Was that before or after you became part of the cliché and asked her to move in?” Olivia’s response was to throw a pen at the younger woman. “Police   
brutality!” Ryan yelled, dodging effectively. 

Their joking was cut short when another detective ran in saying there was a woman passed out in the bathroom. Scotty felt her heart race when she saw Amanda was no longer at her desk. Both brunets raced to the bathroom and there she was. 

Amanda was laying on the floor, blood falling from a cut on her forehead, most likely from here she struck the sink. Scotty was at her side in an instant, taking her face in both her hands. “Amanda, baby? Can you hear me?” There was no reply.

“I called a bus.” Olivia said, kneeling on the floor next to her. 

Soon Ryan was sitting in a hospital waiting room, Olivia’s hand holding her own, awaiting news. The sound of heels clicked rapidly signaled Alex’s appearance next to them. “Any news?” Alex asked. Ryan shook her head no as she was pulled into the blonde’s arms.

When the doctor came back the three women were sitting as close together as the chairs would allow. “Amanda Rollins?” She asked. The women stood, Ryan taking a step forward.

“Is she alright?” She asked.

“Amanda will be fine, she’s been asking for a man. Someone named Ryan?” Ryan raised her hand and smiled meekly.

“That would be me.” She said, surprising the doctor.

“Oh, I’m sorry. She right through here.” The woman said, turning to lead the way. Ryan looked to the other two woman. Both just nodded for her to go on.

“We’ll be here.” Alex told her.

When Ryan entered the hospital room her heart broke at the sight before her. Amanda looked so small in that bed. There was a bandage on her head and her skin was white as a   
sheet. “Hey.” She said softly. Amanda looked to her then, sending her a small smile.

“Hey.” She replied, holding her hand out to the other woman. “I guess you were right.” Ryan looked at her questioningly as she took a seat on the bed, her hand taking Amanda’s. “I should have stayed home.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay.” Ryan whispered, running the fingers of her free hand through the golden hair. She leaned forward and pressed their lips together gently.

“I’m sorry.” Amanda said against her lips.

“Don’t be, baby. You’re okay, that’s what matters.” Ryan said, laying herself next to the blonde, taking care not to jostle the woman too much.

When the doctor returned some time later Ryan got up and stood to the side, taking the blonds hand in her own. “Ms. Rollins, my name is Dr. Preston. I was the doctor who saw you when you were brought in.” Amanda nodded at her. “You were suffering from dehydration and high blood pressure. That cause you to faint earlier. Normally I would just let you finish out your IV and then send you home, but considering your condition, I’d like to keep you overnight. Just as a precaution.”

“What condition?” Amanda asked, confused.

“Ms. Rollin’s you’re twelve weeks pregnant.” Amanda felt Ryan’s grip on her hand loosen slightly. “I’ll be sending in an OB to talk with you later.” The doctor finished before taking her leave.


	10. Figuring Things Out

“Ry-“Amanda’s voice cut off when the other woman pulled her hand free.

“I’m going to go fill in Mom and Liv.” She said quietly before turning to leave.

“Ryan, please.” Amanda begged.

“I’ll be right back.” Ryan said, coming back to press a kiss to the bandage on her head before leaving.

Liv and Alex both stood when Ryan returned. 

“Is everything alright? You look sick, sweetie.” Alex said, laying a comforting hand on her arm. 

“She’s pregnant.” Ryan whispered, falling into the nearest seat, her eyes staring off in front of her. The other women’s eyes widened in shock. They both stared as Ryan just sat there. Liv  
turned to Alex.

“You go, check on Rollins.” She said, causing Alex to look back at her. “I’ve got this.” Alex nodded before turning to leave. Liv kneeled next to the other brunet and placed her hand on the girl’s knee, shaking slightly. 

“Hey.” She said gently. When that didn’t get Scotty’s attention she tried more forcefully. “Hey!” Scotty’s eyes shot to her own. “You want to tell what’s going through that head of yours?”

“What if it’s too much?” Ryan whispered.

“What’s too much?”

“This. Us.” Ryan answered. “What if I get attached to her and the baby and she decides she doesn’t want this anymore? I’ll lose them both. Liv, what if-“

“Scotty!” Olivia said, cutting the other woman off. “I get that your life hasn’t always been easy, but you have got to stop living under the assumption that everyone will leave you. That girl is  
head over heels for you, she isn’t leaving. And neither is Alex. But, this isn’t just about you, this is about Amanda too. And right now, she’s probably sitting in that room thinking you’re about to leave her.” That seemed to pull Ryan out of her head. The younger woman closed her eyes tightly, taking a deep breath.

“I’m being selfish, aren’t I?” 

“Little bit.” Liv replied, smiling gently at her. Ryan covered her face with her hands, her fingers sliding under the lenses of her glasses.

“How could I be so stupid?” She said. Olivia reached forward and pulled the hands away, forcing Ryan to look at her.

“You weren’t being stupid. You were just given news that could change your life forever. You’re allowed to panic a little.” She said. “But, it’s over now, so it’s time to woman-up and go talk  
to your girl.” Ryan leaned forward and wrapped the detective in a tight hug.

“You won’t leave either, right?” She asked, her voice muffled by the older woman’s shoulder. Liv smiled.

“No, I won’t leave, either.” Liv told her, hugging her tighter.

When Alex entered Amanda’s room she was greeted with the sight of the other woman crying softly. She quickly made her way to the bed and hugged the blonde tightly. “it’s okay, Amanda. It’ll be alright.” She whispered into Amanda’s hair. 

“She just left.” Amanda cried. “She must hate me now.” 

“She doesn’t hate you.” Alex told her, running her fingers through the younger detective’s hair. “She’ll be back any minute and you guys will talk and everything will be fine, you’ll see.” After a few seconds the younger woman calmed down and leaned back in the bed. 

“You really think she’ll come back?” Amanda asked with a small voice.

“I do.” Alex said, taking the other woman’s hand. “She cares too much for you to just leave. Plus I’d kill her.” She added, having the desired effect of laughter from the other woman. 

“Mom.” A voice said from the doorway. Alex turned and saw Ryan standing there, looking everywhere but at Amanda. “Liv is waiting outside. She said that you guys would watch Emmy for  
tonight.” Alex smiled at the thought of spending more time with her granddaughter. She squeezed Amanda’s hand one more time before standing and walking to her daughter. She pulled  
Ryan to her in a tight embrace.

“You take care of her, young lady.” She whispered in the younger woman’s ear. 

“Yes, ma’am.” Ryan replied, squeezing Alex tighter before letting her go. Alex shot one last look at the other blonde before looking back to Ryan. 

“I take it you’ll be staying here tonight.” Ryan looked to Amanda before nodding. “I’ll bring you some fresh clothes tomorrow. Love you kiddo.” She said, squeezing the other woman’s  
shoulder gently.

“Love you too.” Ryan said softly as she left. The brunet looked at the blonde hesitantly before stepping closer, taking the spot Alex had vacated on the bed.

“Ryan, I-“Amanda was interrupted by Ryan’s lips attaching to hers. 

“I’m sorry.” Ryan said when they broke apart. “Baby, I am so sorry. I panicked and I didn’t want you to see that so I just left. Which was stupid because I hurt you and I never-“This time it  
was Ryan who was cut off by a kiss.

“I understand, honey.” Amanda assured her, seeing a look of relief wash over the brunet. “I do think we should talk about this, though.”

“I do too.” Ryan told her. “Where does this leave us? I’ve been trying to give you space to figure out what we are, but this complicates things a little.” Amanda nodded at that. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking…” Amanda thought for a moment before looking back to Ryan, determinedly. “I want to be with you. I want to have this baby with you. I want to give Emmy a little brother or a sister.” She reached forward, cupping the other woman’s cheek. “I want to go to ultrasounds with you. I want to hear you complain about having to track down whatever strange food I’m craving in the middle of the night. Whatever happens, boy or girl, I want you there with me. I want us to be a family, the four of us.” By the time she finished they were both in tears. 

“I want that too.” Ryan said, sniffling lightly. “I want to be there for you all the way.” Amanda pulled her into a much needed hug then and they just held each other. 

“Emmy is going to be so excited.” Ryan said when they pulled away from each other. The thought of the little girl pulled a smile to the blonde’s lips. She really loved that kid. 

“I know I ask you this a lot, but are you sure?” Ryan said, turning serious again. “This is a big step and we’ve only been together for a few weeks. I need you to be sure.” Amanda smiled at her again.

“Are you unsure?” She asked. Ryan shook her head no. “Then shut and hold me already.”

Later that night Alex and Olivia were sitting on their couch watching TV when the sound of tiny footsteps echoed through the hall. Liv paused the show in time for Emmy to appear next to them, crawling up in Alex’s lap. “Everything okay, sweetie?” The blonde asked.

“Can’t sleep, Nana.” The said, burrowing further into Alex.

“Well, why not?” Liv asked, running a hand through the brown curls. 

“Worried ‘bout ‘Manda.” Was the reply. Alex pressed a kiss to the girl’s forehead.

“Sweetheart, Amanda will be fine. Mommy called earlier and told you the doctor said she would be able to come home tomorrow, remember?” The little girl nodded. “You know, when your mommy couldn’t sleep I used to sing to her, would you like me to do that?” Emmy nodded.  
Olivia was amazed. Alex had a beautiful voice. She listened closely as the blonde sang softly to the Emmy, the child’s eyes drooping closed. It only took a few minutes before the girl was out like a light. Liv leaned over and placed a gently kiss to Alex’s lips. “You have a wonderful voice.” She said, causing Alex to blush. 

“Thank you.” 

“Have you heard from Scotty since she called?” Olivia asked. Ryan had originally sent a text to Alex saying ‘We’re having a baby!’ to which Alex said ‘and she called us cliché’, but then had  
called later to speak to Emily and tell them that they would be home the next day.

“Yea, she’s kept me updated.” Alex told her. “You really think they’ll be okay?” She asked. Olivia smiled at her.

“I really do.” Liv said. “They’re good for each other. Rollin’s hasn’t been the same since the Holden incident, but Ryan seems to make her more like her old self. They won’t let this get in the way of what they have.”

“Good.” Alex answered. “I don’t know what you said to her in the waiting room, but it seemed to work, so good job.” Liv laughed.

“I just told her to woman-up and handle her shit.” She joked, causing Alex to smack her lightly in the arm.

“Oh, you did not!”

“Well, maybe not in those exact words.” Olivia said, leaning over to kiss her love again. “They’ll be okay. It’s gonna be difficult, but they’ll figure it out.”

When Alex arrived at the hospital the next morning Amanda was already dressed in the clothes she had worn the day before. After pressing a kiss to her girlfriend’s forehead and exchanging a quick ‘thanks mom’ for the bag Alex brought Ryan soon left the two blondes alone. “Are you okay?” She asked Amanda.

“Yea.” The detective said, smiling brightly. “We decided that whatever happens from here, we want to go through it together. As a family.” Alex smiled at her.

“You’re having a baby!” She said, causing Amanda to take a deep breath.

“We are…I can’t believe it.” She said. “It’s soon…really soon in our relationship, but…it’s good. We’re happy.” Alex smiled wider and pulled the younger woman to her in a hug.

When Ryan left the bathroom a few minutes later, now in jeans and a dark blue tee, she saw her mother and girlfriend holding each other. She took a moment to smile softly at the picture before she spoke. “Hey!” She said, forcing them to pull apart. “Get your own incubator.” 

“My girlfriend, ladies and gentlemen, the charmer.” Amanda deadpanned. 

“Hush you!” Alex said to her daughter. “Are you guys ready?”

“Yea, they signed my discharge papers already. We were just waiting for you.” Amanda told her.

“And we don’t want to know what was going on this morning that caused you to get here so late.” Ryan laughed, helping Amanda out of the bed. Alex swatted her shoulder lightly before  
leading her to the car where Liv and the kids were waiting.

After they arrived back at Ryan’s apartment Liv told them to take the next three days off before leaving with Alex for work. The women decided it best to get telling Emily out of the way. They sat her down on the couch while Amanda took a seat next to her and Ryan sat on the coffee table. “Baby, we have something to tell you.” Amanda started. 

“What?” The girl asked innocently. Here goes nothing.

“Well you know hoe Mommy and Amanda have been spending a lot of time together?” Ryan asked. Emmy nodded.

“Well, we’ve decided that we want to be a family. All of us.” Amanda told her, her hand reaching for Ryan’s. The girl looked confused.

“Baby, like Nana and Liv. They love each other and are a family with Noah.” Ryan said, not realizing her mistake until it was too late.

“So…you love ‘Manda?” Emily asked her mother. Ryan’s widened like saucers as she looked to the blonde who seemed to too interested in her answer to help.

“Uh…” Did she love her? It was too soon wasn’t it? They agreed to have a child together though, so didn’t that already establish that there were strong feelings? Why was she the only one getting asked the hard questions? Ah, what the hell! “Yes. Yes, I do.” She said, looking to a smiling Amanda.

“Do you love Mommy?” Emmy asked, directing her question to the blonde. 

“Yes, baby.” Was her answer. The two women smiled at each other before focusing back on the task at hand. “There is more, though.” Amanda said.

“Amanda is going to have a baby.” Ryan told her daughter. “And that baby will be your little brother or sister.” She finished, causing Emily to bounce in her seat and clap her hands  
together, causing both women to laugh.

“Imma be a big sister?!” She yelled.

“Yes, baby, you are.” Amanda said, trying to hold the child in place so she wouldn’t fall. Emily’s face contorted to a confused expression again and she looked to her mother.

“If you’re the baby’s mommy, then what will you be?” Emmy asked, looking at Amanda.

“I’ll be the baby’s mama.” She answered. Emily still looked confused.

“What’s on your mind, Bug?” Ryan asked.

“Does that make ‘Manda my mama too?” She asked her mother in a small voice. Amanda looked to her for help but Ryan just shrugged, as if to say ‘up to you’. The blonde thought for a  
minute before picking the small girl up and placing her on her lap.

“I would love to be your mama.” She told the child. Emmy hugged her tight before jumping to the floor. 

“Okay!” She said before tearing off to her room to play. Amanda looked to Ryan, who was trying to hold in her laugh.

“That’s it?” Amanda asked. “After all the questions, that’s it?” 

“Kids.” Ryan laughed, shrugging again, before taking the vacated seat next to the blonde.

“You love me, huh?” Amanda said as she turned to face the brunet. Ryan looked at her, trying to gage her reaction, but the blonde’s face was blank.

“Too soon?” She asked. Amanda shook her head no.

“I love you too.” She replied, pulling Ryan to her and kissing her soundly.

“Gross!” A voiced yelled behind them. Ryan pulled back and looked at Emmy with a spark in her eye.

“Get over here you little rascal!” Ryan yelled, jumping off the couch and chasing the child around the room. ‘What have I gotten myself into?’ Amanda thought, the sound of Emmy’s laughter causing her to smile.


	11. Calm Before the Storm

After an impromptu game of twenty questions Ryan and Amanda finally eased the child’s bedroom door shut, leaving a sleeping Emmy inside. As they fell onto the couch Ryan turned to face the blonde, taking her hand. “You know, through all the chaos that was today, there is something that we have yet to discuss.” She said. Amanda looked at her questioningly.

“What’s that?” 

“Nick.” Ryan said. Amanda’s shoulders slumped and her eyes drifted to the wall to the right of them. Ryan leaned forward and, with her free hand, turned the other woman’s face back to   
her and looked deeply into her eyes. “It’s okay, ‘Manda. I understand that this isn’t the most pleasant conversation to have, but we do need to talk about this.” Amanda sighed.

“I don’t…I haven’t even thought about what I’m going to tell him…if I’m going to tell him.” She told the brunet.

“Well, you have to tell him.” 

“I don’t have to do anything.” Amanda shot back.

“That’s not what I meant.” Ryan assured her. “Look, I know that this isn’t the most comfortable conversations to have with someone, been there, done that, believe me I know. But, no matter the circumstances, he is the baby’s father. He deserves to know.” 

“Ugh!” Amanda covered her face with her hands. How did everything get like this? “I know, I’m sorry I snapped.” A thought occurred to her then. “What do you mean ‘been there, done   
that’?”

“Well, I didn’t just find Emily at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box.” Ryan told her through a smirk.

“That’s not how this works?” Amanda deadpanned.

“No.” Ryan laughed. “I had been at the Bureau for about a year when I was put undercover with this crime family. They were well known for smuggling weapons and underage women in and out of the country and selling them to the highest bidder. Luckily, he had a son who was around my age at the time and I happened to fit his type. I went in and manipulated Tommy into thinking I was the perfect woman for him. I think he actually had feelings for me.” Ryan stated sadly. 

“Anyway, I had been under for about five months when there came a time that if I did fulfill certain…expectations it would raise a red flag. So I did.” Ryan continued. Amanda was speechless. It was almost chilling how clinical the brunet spoke about it. 

“I’m sorry.” Ryan said, as if reading her mind. “It’s not really a time in my life that I’m exactly proud of. I wouldn’t trade any of it because of Emmy, but talking about it just makes me feel sort of like a prostitute.” Amanda could understand that. The things she did when she was gambling, almost did when she was gambling, made her feel the same way. She squeezed Ryan’s hand before speaking.

“Well, you’re my prostitute.” She told her, causing the other woman to laugh heartily. 

“Gee, thanks.” Ryan shot back, pulling the blonde into her arms and holding her gently. She pressed a kiss to Amanda’s forehead. “Everything’s going to be alright, I promise, but you need   
to talk to him.” She whispered against the other woman’s skin. 

The next morning Amanda set off to track down Amaro and, having dropped Emily off at day care, left Ryan to sit and stew at the apartment. Having felt like she was going to crawl out of her skin for long enough, Ryan decided it was time to take her mind off of all of the possible outcomes of the day.

“Cabot.” Alex said when she answered. 

“Prescott.” Ryan answered back in mock firmness. Causing the woman on the other end to smile.

“Hey, you. What are you up to?” Alex asked. 

“I was actually wondering if you were free for lunch. I need a distraction.” 

“Is everything okay?” Alex replied.

“Its fine, I just need to get out of the apartment.” She answered. “I’ll explain when I see you.” She added when Alex said nothing.

“Okay, well I’m actually at home today.” Alex told her. “Noah wasn’t feeling well this morning so I’m working from home, but I always have time for you.”

“I’ll be there in ten.” Ryan told her before ending the call.

Fifteen minutes later Ryan was let in to Alex’s apartment, bags of Chinese food in her hands. They took seats on the couch and divvied up the food.

“Noah?” Ryan asked, not seeing the boy anywhere.

“Sleeping.” Alex told her. “Emmy?” 

“Daycare. Have to pay them anyway, might as well use them.”

After the food was separated they ate in silence, aside from the news that Alex had playing softly on the TV. When they had both finished the blonde decided that it was time to talk about   
the important things.

“So, what’s going on?” She asked, cutting to the chase. Ryan had to smile at her directness. 

“Amanda’s talking to Nick.” She answered. “About the baby.” She added when Alex looked at her expectantly. 

“Ah.”

“Exactly. Thought it was best to do something other than sit alone at home. Couldn’t stand just sitting there thinking anyhow.” Ryan said.

“Thinking about what?” Alex asked her.

“Everything.” Ryan said, running a hand through her short hair. “Is this all too soon? The repercussions if Nick wants nothing to do with the baby. What’s going to happen if he wants   
everything to do with the baby? Will she decide that she wants to be a real family with him? Where will we live if she decides to stay?” Ryan was stopped from continuing on by a gentle   
hand on her arm. 

“You’re rambling, honey.” Alex smiled at her. She understood her daughter’s trepidation. This was a confusing situation to be in. Alex pulled the younger woman in for a tight hug, rubbing soothing circles on her back. She pressed a kiss to the brunet’s hair before pulling away. Ryan shot her a sheepish smile.

“Sorry.” 

“You need to take a breath.” Alex told her. “Relax. I don’t see Amanda going anywhere. You have to stop waiting for that other shoe to drop.” Ryan laughed at that, causing Alex to   
frown. “What?”

“Olivia told me something similar at the hospital.” Alex smiled at that. She really did love that woman. 

Olivia found them a few hours later asleep on their bed, the menu display for Finding Nemo playing softly in the background. Alex was leaning against the headboard, Noah on her lap.   
Ryan was snuggled into her side, her right arm slung over the Noah. She pulled her phone and snapped a few pictures before sending one to Amanda. She tip-toed over to Alex and ran her   
hand lightly through her blonde hair. The other woman’s eyes twitched before sliding open. Alex smiled at her sleepily.

“Hey there, sleeping beauty.” Liv whispered, trying not to wake the other two. Alex moved to stretch but found herself rather trapped. She smiled at the sight of the kids huddled close to her. 

“Hey, sorry, I guess we fell asleep.” Alex told her. “Noah seems to be doing better than he was this morning.” 

“Well, unless we want to be up all night with him, I think we should go ahead and wake him up.” Alex nodded. Olivia reached and pulled son to her and nodded her head in the direction of   
Ryan. Alex nodded in understanding as Olivia left them the room. When Liv had lifted Noah, Ryan’s arm had fallen to around Alex’s middle. Alex wrapped her arms around her daughter   
and pressed a light kiss to the girl’s forehead, shaking her gently. 

“Five more minutes.” Ryan mumbled, snuggling further into Alex. The blonde smiled. Sometimes it was like she was seeing the twelve year old girl she first met. 

“Ryan, Amanda is here looking for you.” Alex whispered into the brunet’s ear. Ryan shot up, her eyes darting around the room. They landed on Alex when she heard the other woman   
chuckle.

“You’re evil…absolutely evil.” Ryan told her, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and yawning. 

When the two women entered he living room, only slightly more awake, they saw Olivia in the kitchen preparing dinner and talking animatedly to Noah. When she saw the blonde her eyes   
instantly lit up. As if being pulled by gravity, Ryan watched them move towards one another, smiling at the happiness she saw in them. She hoped that one day she and Amanda could be as   
in love as they were. 

Olivia hugged the blonde tightly, pecking her lips quickly before turning her attention to their guest. “Are you going to stay for dinner, Ryan?” She asked, Alex still being held in her arms   
securely. 

“No.” Ryan told her. “I should probably head home and start dinner for my brood.” Alex, after breaking the embrace with Liv, walked her to the door. After hugging her daughter and   
bidding her goodbye, she made her way back to the kitchen.

“How is she?” Liv asked. 

“She’ll be okay, I think. It’s just a big step for them both so she’s a bit nervous.” Olivia made her way to the blonde, wrapping her arms around the other woman’s waist. 

“They’ll be okay, baby.” Olivia told her. “We’ll be there to help whenever they need it.” 

“I’m glad that you mentioned that.” Alex said, causing Liv to narrow her eyes at the woman.

“What…?” 

“Ryan mentioned that they were going to need a bigger place before the baby is born.” Alex told her. Liv raised her eyebrows in question. “When my mother died, the brownstone that she   
shared with father was passed down to me.”

“You want to give it to Ryan?” Liv asked, understanding where the conversation was headed.

“Well, I haven’t set foot there since I’ve been back. I have a housekeeper that keeps everything clean, but I could never see myself living there.” Alex explained. 

“Al, it’s your decision. It’s your house.” Liv told her.

“Well, I didn’t want to make a decision without seeing what you thought about it.” Alex said “I didn’t know if you saw us needing any extra space in the future.” Olivia smiled at the   
thoughtfulness. 

“How about this; you give Ryan the brownstone, since she and Amanda need the space now, and if we decide that we need the extra space later on we can find a place together. How about   
that?” Alex smiled at the brunet. It was a perfect plan. The blonde leaned forward and kissed the detective soundly. They were forced to break apart when Noah began to demand their   
attention back in the kitchen. 

“You go spend time with Noah, I’ll finish dinner.” Alex told the brunet, shoving her lightly in the direction of her son, causing Liv to chuckle softly.

When Ryan got home she was greeted with the smell of pasta and garlic bread and the sound of Amanda and Emmy talking in the kitchen. She leaned herself against the entryway and just   
looked at them, a lump forming in her throat at the sight. Emmy was perched on the counter chatting away about all the things she did in day care while Amanda was straining the noodles   
for dinner, nodding away at the child. Emmy was the first to notice her.

“Mommy!” The child yelled, hopping off the counter and throwing herself at her brunet mother. Ryan caught her with practiced ease and hugged her tight. Amanda smiled at her, walking over and pecking her on the lips, rubbing her hand up and down Emmy’s back unconsciously. 

“Have a good nap, baby?” Amanda asked holding up her phone showing off the message she received from Liv and laughing a little at the sheepish look on the other woman’s face. 

“Yea, sorry. I wanted to be here when you got back, but I guess I got a little side tracked.” Amanda waved her hand at the apology, making her way back to the sink where the noodles   
were. 

“Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you and Alex are spending some time together.” The blonde said. Dinner was a casual affair, Ryan talking about her day with Alex and Noah while Emmy   
asked questions about any and everything she could think of. 

When dinner was over they watched a short movie, which had Emily asleep before they were even halfway through. When the credits rolled the two women put the child in bed before making their way to the couch. 

“So, how went things with Nick?” Ryan asked, deciding to get to the point. Amanda made a non-committal sound in her throat.

“It went, I guess. It’s over now.” She said, her attention never leaving the hands in her lap. Ryan ran a gentle hand through the soft, blonde locks drawing Amanda’s attention as she did.

“That bad?” She asked. 

“Well, he went from shock, to saying the baby wasn’t his, to saying that he didn’t want any more kids.” Amanda said, her eyes misting a little. “I don’t know why I’m upset about this. I   
didn’t particularly want him involved.” She said. Ryan took her hands in her own.

“Because, he’s rejecting your baby. You have a biological need to protect your child and the one person, other than you, who should love him or her more than anything else in this world is saying that he won’t. You’re allowed to be upset, honey.” Ryan told her, pulling her to her side and laying her chin on the woman’s head.

“Is this how it was with Emily’s dad?” Amanda asked hesitantly. Ryan pressed a kiss to her hair, silently telling her that it was okay to ask.

“Yes.” Ryan told her. “I didn’t find out until after the arrests were made, Tommy’s included, that I was pregnant. I went to see him in prison and told him. He said that I betrayed him and   
that he didn’t want anything to do with me or a child I gave birth to. The next day his lawyer faxed signed papers relinquishing his parental rights to my office.” 

“Wow.” Amanda whispered. 

“Yea.” Ryan said. “The pain goes away. As soon as you hold that baby in your arms, it makes all the pain and hardships worth it.” 

“I’m sorry you had no one there for you for that.” Amanda said, pressing a kiss to the brunet’s jaw line.

“I had Mike.” Ryan assured her. “And you’ll have me, for everything.” 

“I know.” Amanda said to her. “Thank you.” The two women held each other until Ryan heard Amanda’s breaths even out in slumber. She lifted the blonde off the couch bridal style and   
carried her to the bedroom.

The next morning they were woken by a shrill ringing. Amanda reached forward and brought the offending object to her ears. “Rollins.” She said.

“Hey Amanda, I know I said that you guys could have the day off, but there are some DD-5s here that you need to sign. I wouldn’t bother you but they need to be in by this afternoon.” Liv’s   
voice said on the other end apologetically.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be right in.”

“As soon as they’re all signed you can head back home for the day.” Liv promised.  
After she hung up, Amanda felt an arm pull her closer to the body next to her. “No.” Insisted the body. Amanda leaned over and pressed a warm kiss to her cheek.

“I’m sorry baby, I have to run in for a while to sign some papers.” Amanda told her. Ryan roused herself awake and looked at the blonde.

“Okay.” She said groggily. “I told Emmy I would take her to the park today. I can do that and then we can meet up for lunch or something?” 

“Sounds good, but I have go to my place tonight.” Amanda told her, earning a pout. “I’m sorry, baby, but I have no clean clothes here.”

“We can run by your place while you’re at work and pick some clothes up for you.” Ryan suggested. “I’ll even stay out of your underwear drawer…maybe.” She added, causing the blonde to   
swat her on the arm.

“You sure?” Amanda asked.

“If it means you stay with us tonight, then absolutely.” Ryan assured her. The blonde pulled her in and kissed her soundly. It was settled. 

While Amanda got dressed, Ryan woke Emmy and they all met in the kitchen for a quick breakfast. After getting her key and kissing the blonde goodbye the two brunets made their way to Amanda’s apartment. 

Once there, Emmy aided Ryan in finding a duffel in the blonde’s closet and they began to fill the bag with clothes. Not wanting to have to make the blonde part from them anytime soon, they made sure to add any clothing the other woman may need. Once they could put no more items in the bag, they headed towards the door. Before they could leave, however, there was a knock on the door. Ryan looked to her daughter who shrugged her shoulders. Ryan opened the door and was met with the sight of a blonde woman who resembled Amanda. The other woman looked her up and down suspiciously before speaking.

“Is Amanda here?” She asked.

“No, she isn’t. Can I help you?” Ryan asked, instantly feeling defensive. There was something about the woman in front of her, something not right.

“Well, you could let me in.” 

“I don’t think so.” Ryan told the woman. Emmy, noticing there was a problem, clung to her mother’s leg. Ryan picked her up, never breaking eye contact with the woman in the hall, not   
trusting her. “Amanda isn’t here and we were just leaving. You’ll have to come back.” The other woman sneered at her.

“You can let me in.” The woman insisted. Ryan didn’t budge. “I’m her sister, Kim.”


	12. Confrontation

After dropping the bag of Amanda’s clothes back at their apartment, Ryan and Emily walked the short distance to the nearest park. Emmy ran towards the playground while Ryan sat on a nearby bench contemplating what to do about their previous encounter. Emily, for the most part, seemed to have completely moved passed it. Ryan, however, knew that there was more to come. 

Amanda had a sister? Why didn’t she say anything?

Ryan’s eyes religiously followed her daughter as she rode on a small merry-go-round. She smiled at the sight. Everything had been so perfect. The pregnancy, if she was honest, threw them both through a loop, but they were figuring it out. 

Her phone buzzed, alerting her to a text. 

"Just finished. Want to meet for lunch?"

Ryan shot a quick text back and told her to meet them at a pizzeria a few blocks away from the park. Emily loved it because it had an arcade. Once they arrived they found Amanda waiting outside for them.

“Mama!” Emmy yelled as she raced towards the blonde. Amanda caught her easily and hugged her tight. She looked to Ryan and found her lost in thought somewhere. She used her hand 

to tug on the other woman’s shirt, pulling her attention back. Amanda looked at her questioningly before pecking her on the lips.

“Everything okay?” Amanda asked.

“Yea, I’m fine.” Ryan replied. Amanda didn’t buy it for a second but decided to let it go until they were alone. They quickly seated and ordered their food. 

As soon as their meal was finished, Emmy asked if she could go play. She was a little young, but there was a section that was specifically for children her age with a coloring station,   
puzzles, and other kid’s toys. Amanda told her she could before turning to face the brunet who had been abnormally quiet through lunch. “What’s going on with you?” She asked gently,   
taking the other woman’s hand.

“Do you have a sister?” Ryan asked bluntly and immediately regretted it when she saw the blonde’s face darken. She opened her mouth to apologize when Amanda answered her.

“Yes. Why?” She asked, narrowing her eye suspiciously. 

“Why have you never told me about her?” Ryan asked her. Amanda took a deep breath while her eyes shot down to their joined hands. Ryan squeezed their hands encouragingly.

“Things have happened between us, things that I’m not sure that I can ever get passed, and it’s just easier not to talk about it.” Amanda answered. “Why are you asking about her?”

“Because she’s here.” Ryan stated.

“What?!” Amanda yelled, causing people to look at them in surprise. Ryan immediately pulled her closer.

“Not here, here. She’s in New York.” Ryan clarified.

“What do you mean? How do you know?” Amanda asked, confused.

“She showed up at your apartment when we were leaving.” Ryan said. She saw the blonde’s eyes widen slightly. “She isn’t there now. She tried to get me to let her wait there for you, but I   
told her she would have to come back later.” 

“Why?” Amanda asked. There was no malice in her tone, just curiosity.

“Well, you never told me about her so I figured that you two were not on good terms so you probably wouldn’t want her to stay in your apartment.” Ryan told her. “That and something   
seemed a bit off about her.” Amanda still seemed nervous about the information. 

After throwing away their garbage and rounding up Emily they decided to go back to Amanda’s apartment to make sure Kim was really gone. She was on edge, that much was obvious, but   
Ryan was certain she had never seen the blonde like this. Even when she came off of that ledge. 

When they arrived at Amanda’s Kim was indeed gone, but there was a note wedged in-between the door and the wall. Amanda pulled it out and folded it and stuck the paper in her back   
pocket before checking her apartment quickly and giving them the okay to leave.

“So would you like to tell me what that was all about?” Ryan asked as they sat on her couch, Emily playing quietly in her room. Amanda proceeded to tell Ryan the story of her troubles with Kim. As she continued on Ryan seemed to get stiffer and stiffer in her seat. 

“So…she just left?” Ryan asked when she had finished. Amanda nodded, her eyes misting at reliving the memories. Ryan pulled her in her arms and held her tightly. “I’m sorry you had to   
go through that.” Amanda sniffled in her shoulder.

“It’s okay. She’s always leaving me to clean up her messes.” Amanda said in to her shoulder. Ryan pressed a sweet kiss to her hair before speaking.

“What was on the note she left?” She asked. Amanda sat back and retrieved the paper from her back pocket before unfolding it. She read it quickly before flipping it over to show the brunet   
that a hotel and room number was written on it, presumably where Kim was staying. “Are you going to go see her?” 

“I have no idea.” Amanda said, her voice still raspy from crying. “She’s still my sister, but…”

“She was going to let you take the fall for a murder charge.” Ryan finished for her. Amanda nodded. Ryan felt her pain. It was hard to look at someone and see someone you love, but feel   
such conflicting feelings for them and it wasn’t that long ago that she found herself in a similar situation. 

“Mama?” A small voice was heard. Amanda looked to her left and saw little Emily standing before her, a worried look on her face. Ryan beckoned the small girl to her and whispered in her   
ear. Emily then launched herself at Amanda and hugged her tight, burying her face in the junction between the blonde’s neck and shoulder. “Don’t be sad.” Amanda smiled at that, despite   
the lump forming in her throat.

“Don’t worry, baby. You made it better.” The blonde told her. Emily looked at her and smiled.

“Really?!” She asked, glad she was helping. Amanda rubbed their noses together.

“So, so much better.” She answered. Emily burrowed deeper in the blonde’s embrace.

“How about we watch a movie, huh?” Ryan asked. “Will that make everyone feel better?” The others nodded and Ryan got up to find the movie.

When Olivia walked through the door to her apartment her priority was getting out of her dirtied clothes and showering. Her morning had started rather slowly, but after lunch things had   
started to pick up, unfortunately. She ended her day by having to dig through a dumpster to find the bloody clothes of their victim. Normally she would just sent the detective she was with,   
chances are she outranked them, but today she was with Fin and that just felt wrong. They flipped a coin and she had lost, she was still convinced he cheated somehow. In the end she had   
found the clothes, probably would be too contaminated to use, but they still had them. 

After her shower she walked back to her kitchen was surprised to find Alex standing there in a pair of yoga pants and her NYPD shirt putting containers of Chinese food on the table. She looked absolutely beautiful. No makeup, hair pulled back, and the oversized shirt shifting when she moved to expose her smooth shoulder, begging to be kissed. Alex looked up at her as she made her way to the blonde. She made to speak but was cut short when Olivia pulled her to her and kissed her soundly. Alex moaned softly and threaded her fingers through the brown silk of Olivia’s hair, tugging slightly. 

“Where’s Noah?” Liv asked when they pulled apart. 

“Asleep.” Alex said, still a little breathless. “I fed him and bathed him earlier. I had Fin text me when you were on your way home and I ordered Chinese.” Olivia looked at her in confusion.

“Is it that late?” Liv asked, causing Alex to laugh.

“Baby, it’s after nine.” Olivia looked at her watched and realized that the blonde was right, as usual. Noah would have been in bed for a few hours now.

“I’m sorry, Al.” Liv said, her shoulders slumping slightly. Alex chuckled and hugged the brunet to her.

“Don’t worry, I understand your crazy hours.” Alex said close to the other woman’s ear, her voice causing a shiver to shoot through Olivia. Alex took her hand and led her to the table.

When the dinner was over Alex noticed that Liv’s eyes were drooping shut. She took the brunet’s hand and led her to their room, checking on Noah on the way. Alex set Olivia on the edge   
of the bed while she gathered Liv’s sleep clothes. She gently undressed the other woman and was about to pull a night shirt over her head when the brunet pulled her down for a searing   
kiss. After a few moments Alex tried to pull away but Liv only pulled her closer, maneuvering the blonde to straddle her lap. 

“Aren’t you tired?” Alex asked, a smiled pulling at her lips. Liv kissed her again.

“Right now, I need you more than I need sleep.” Olivia husked in the blonde’s ear, bringing her earlobe into her mouth and biting gently. Alex pulled back and pulled their lips together   
again in a passionate kiss. Liv ran her hands up Alex’s sides, slipping underneath the fabric of the other woman’s shirt. “I love it when you wear my clothes.”

“Why do you think I wear them.” Alex said against the brunet’s lips. Olivia scooted her body further up the bed, never losing her grip on the blonde. Once at the head of the bed, she   
quickly flipped them and divested Alex of her clothes. Both women moaned when their skin touched. No matter how many times they did this, it never ceased to amaze them how it always   
seemed to feel more wonderful each time.

Alex pressed her lips harder against the brunet’s, her leg hooking around the other woman’s and flipping them again. Olivia moaned when she felt Alex press her against the bed. The first   
time she did this, Alex was surprised how much Olivia enjoyed her taking control. Liv had once told her that she had to take care of everything and be strong for everyone and that it was   
nice to have someone to be vulnerable with, someone who would take care of her for once. 

“I love you so much.” Alex whispered as she made love to the brunet slowly and reverently, feeling the tension of the day leave her body with every thrust, lick, and caress. When she felt   
Olivia close to her peak she was surprised when she felt two fingers enter her gently and begin to move with the rhythm she had set. Having already been close due to watching the   
detective, it didn’t take long for Alex to be pushed over the edge, Olivia following right after. 

After catching their breath, the two women curled together and it was only minutes before they were sleep overtook them.

Alex woke the next morning to a brown haired head laying on her chest. A closer inspection told her that it wasn’t the brunet she was expecting. Sometime in the middle of the night Liv must have brought Noah in bed with them. Alex was on her back, Noah nestled on her chest, and Liv’s arm was wrapped around the both of them, coming to lay around Alex’s middle.

“Sorry.” A groggy voice to her right said. She turned and saw and barely awake Liv looking at her. “He woke up and wouldn’t go back to sleep and I was really tired. Someone wore me   
out.” Liv smiled at the blonde. 

“It’s okay.” Alex assured her. “I like waking up to the both of you.” Alex ran her fingers lightly through the boy’s hair. 

“I love you.” Olivia said, her voice catching a little. “I love all of this, us together with Noah.” Alex smiled at her and used her free hand to caress the detective’s face. 

“Me too.” The blonde said. “It’s like we’re a family.” Olivia pressed a kiss to Alex’s palm.

“We are a family.” She told her. “You, me, Noah, Ryan, Emily, and Amanda. We’re all a strange and dysfunctional family. And it’s about to get bigger.” Liv said, smiling at the blonde.

“How unique our holidays will be.” Alex laughed. 

They laid there in comfortable silence together until Noah began to stir. They decided that it was time for breakfast and gathered the boy and made their way to the kitchen.

Meanwhile, in another part of the city, Amanda stood outside of room 303 in a rather rundown motel. Ryan had wanted to come with her but after a rather heated discussion Amanda   
managed to convince her that someone needed to stay and look after Emmy and this was something she needed to do alone. That didn’t mean that she didn’t wish Ryan was with her while her heart pounded as she waited for her sister to answer the rundown door. 

The door was opened a few agonizing seconds later and there stood Kim, the sister she hadn’t seen in years. She still looked the same, give or take a few pounds. Her hair was a little longer, but she still had that same conniving look in her eyes, however. “I wondered when you would come a’ knockin’.” Kim said, smirking at the other blonde woman. Amanda pushed her way inside and turned to look at her sister, if you could still call her that.

“I’m not staying, what do you want?” Amanda threw at the other woman. Kim’s smirk deepened.

“I just wanted to see how my sister was doing.” She said, her southern drawl more prominent. “What with her carryin’ my niece or nephew.” Amanda’s eyes widened. 

“How the hell do you know about that?” She asked. Other than Liv and Alex the only other person that knew was Ryan and…ugh….her mother. Why?! Why did she tell her?!

~flashback~

She had just had her, rather unpleasant, conversation with Nick and was sitting in her car, barely holding off her tears, when her phone rang. It was her mother. She had two options; she   
could answer and argue with her hard-headed mother, or ignore the call and go home. Who was she kidding? If she ignored the call, then her phone would be ringing all night. 

“Hey, Mama.” Amanda said into the phone, her voice only slightly shaking.

“What’s the matter? Talking to your only mother that horrible to you?” Her mother’s voice clipped through the device. Amanda closed her eyes tightly, biting her tongue. 

“No.” Amanda drew out, taking deep breaths.

“Then what’s wrong?” Her mother asked again, exasperated. 

“Nothing, Mama. Is there something you wanted?” Amanda asked. Her mother sighed on the other end.

“Have you heard from your sister?” Her mother asked. This time it was Amanda who sighed. No matter how many times they went through this, it never changed anything. It was like her   
mother didn’t understand. 

“No, Mother, I haven’t and I won’t” She said.

“Well, there’s no reason to be rude, Amanda.” The older woman said. It was not a secret that her mother kept in touch with her youngest child, but it was like she didn’t quite grasp that   
Amanda not only didn’t know, but couldn’t know, where Kim was. She was already bending the law by not telling anyone that her mother still kept contact. 

“Mom, you know what she did. You know why I can’t. I don’t know why you keep askin’ me.” She told the woman, her free hand moving up to rub her pulsing temple. 

“Amanda, what is your problem? You move out to the big city and all of a sudden you’re too good to speak to your family?!” Her mother yelled at her. That was it. She had had the worst   
day and this was the last straw. 

“You know that that is not what this is about!” Amanda yelled. “I could have you hauled in just for talkin’ to Kim! Do you understand that?!”

“Also,” She continued “in case you didn’t realize, I have other things going on in my life right now than you and Kim! Like being pregnant, a father who doesn’t want the baby, and a   
relationship with a woman who already has a child!” Amanda said, ending the call and throwing the phone into the passenger seat.

It wasn’t until she arrived at the daycare the Bureau offered to all of their employees that her spirits began to lift. There was Emily, playing with another girl, laughing. Like she had a sixth sense, Emily’s head shot up and she abruptly stood and ran to her blonde mother. 

~End of Flashback

Amanda pulled herself away from the memory and wiped the smile that it caused from her face. 

“What’s wrong, Sis? Daydreaming of your girlfriend?” Kim asked with a sneer. 

“I’m not dealing with this.” Amanda bit out at her. “You have twenty-four hours. If you aren’t gone by then, I’m calling Tucker. If you try to contact me or my family again, I’ll call Tucker.   
You so much as think of my family, I’ll call Tucker. Got it?” Amanda said, pushing past her sister, yet again, and made her way to the door.

“You’ll never do it.” Kim said as her hand landed on the doorknob. “You wouldn’t do that to me.” Amanda was seething. The worst part was…she was right.


	13. The Storm

When Amanda arrived back at Ryan’s apartment she found the other woman pacing the living room. As soon as the brunet saw her she was enveloped in her arms. The tears that Amanda had fought for so long poured from her. 

“How did it go?” Ryan asked her after a few moment, pressing a kiss to her hair. The blonde pulled back and wiped her eyes before answering.

“It was bad, really bad.” She said. “She knows about the baby. My mother must have told her.” 

“Did she say what it was that she was after?” Ryan asked.

“No, but I’m going to guess that whatever it is, we won’t like it.” Amanda answered. Ryan pulled the detective to her again. 

“It’s going to be okay.” The brunet assured. “I promise you.” The two made their way to the bedroom they shared, Ryan pausing to check on Emmy who was playing in her room, unaware of   
the problems around her. 

Ryan laid Amanda on the bed before taking her spot next to the blond and holding her tightly. Millions of scenarios played through the brunet’s mind. It was obvious that Amanda had limited options. There was no way that she could turn her sister in, no matter how much it needed to happen. Something needed to be done.  
An hour later Scotty was pulling her coat on and quietly leaving the room. She cast one last glance back to the bed where Amanda laid, still asleep, with Emmy curled into her arms before leaving the apartment and heading towards her destination. 

A few minutes later the door to room 303 was opened and a smirking Kim was revealed. Her smirk fell slightly at the realization of who was at the door. “Oh, it’s you.” She said. Scotty said nothing as the blonde opened the door for her to enter. “What do you want?” 

“I want you to leave.” Scotty said as she turned to face the other woman. Kim raised her eyebrows at the statement.

“And why would I do that?” She drawled. 

“Because you’ve caused enough damage in Amanda’s life. Leave before you cause any more.” Scotty said, her voice remaining even despite the situation. Kim laughed at her menacingly. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Scotty took a step towards her, her resolve beginning to fade.

“Leave.” 

“Or what?” Kim asked. “Amanda won’t turn me in, you know that.” There was a spark in Kim’s eye as she said the last statement. Now Ryan understood.

“Just tell me what you want already.” She said.

“$25,000.” Kim said through a smile. Scotty raised her eyebrows.

“And why would we give you that?” Kim’s smile widened.

“If you don’t, Tucker will get an anonymous tip that Amanda is aware of my whereabouts.” 

“You would do that?” Scotty asked, hardly surprised. “To the one person who has helped you more than anyone else.” Kim just shrugged and kept smiling. Kim pulled a piece of paper off   
the table by the bed and handed it to Ryan. There was a number on it.

“That’s the number to my cell.” Kim told her. “Call me when you have my money and then I’ll be out of your hair.” 

Not feeling ready to head home, Scotty walked, not really paying attention to where she was heading, until she found herself outside of Olivia and Alex’s building. She still had no idea what   
she was going to do, but she needed to talk this through with someone.

Liv opened the door shortly after she knocked, large smile on her face. Ryan instantly felt wrong being there. The last thing she wanted to do was ruin their day. She was about to make an excuse and leave when Liv shot her a knowing look and opened the door wider. Ryan smiled gratefully at her before entering. 

Ryan followed Liv into the living room where Alex was sitting cross-legged on the floor making faces at Noah, causing him to laugh. Liv cleared her throat softly, causing the blonde to look at her questioningly. When she saw her daughter’s face she knew something was wrong. She stood, taking the baby with her, and placed Noah in his playpen with some of his toys before turning to the other women.

“What’s going on?” Alex said, making her way to Ryan and placing a gentle hand on the smaller woman’s shoulder. 

“I’m having a problem, and I need your help.” Ryan said. In the corner of her eye she could see Liv backing away to give them time alone. “Both of you.” She said, turning to Olivia and halting her movements. 

Alex pulled Ryan to sit next to her on the couch, her left hand still touching the other woman, while Liv sat on the coffee table across from them. “What’s going on, Ry?” Liv asked. Ryan rubbed her hands over her face before lifting her eyes to meet the detective’s.

“Do you know what cognitive dissonance is?” Ryan asked. Alex shot Olivia a curious look, causing the other woman to shrug. Liv turned to the other brunet and shook her head. “It’s when you feel two conflicting feelings simultaneously.” Alex stiffened slightly at the explanation. Was she here to say that being near Alex was too much? She thought they were getting close again, was it all becoming too much? Her inner rambling was cut short when Ryan’s hand came to rest on the hand on her shoulder. Alex looked up and saw Ryan looking at her. “It’s not you.” She said quietly, causing Alex to relax again.

“What’s wrong then, honey?” Alex asked gently. Ryan turned back to Olivia before speaking.

“You know about Amanda’s sister, right?” She asked. Liv sat straight up at the question.

“What about her?” Liv asked, a worried tone in her voice. 

“She’s here, in New York.” Ryan said, her eyes dropping to her shoes. 

“Here?” Liv asked, to which Ryan nodded. “Are you sure?” Ryan nodded again.

“We spoke to her.”

“What’s the deal with Amanda’s sister?” Alex asked. 

“Amanda almost went to trial on a murder charge because of her.” Olivia told her. 

“Oh, my God.” Alex said softly. “What’s going to happen?” Ryan shrugged again.

“Amanda was distraught when she came home from speaking to her.” Ryan told them. “Kim is still her sister, no matter what has happened.” Liv nodded before a thought struck her.

“You said that you both spoke to her.” 

“When Amanda came home she was so upset.” Ryan said. “We laid down and she was asleep within a couple of minutes. I got Emmy and had her lay with Amanda for her nap and left after   
they were both asleep.”

“I went to see Kim and…she was awful.” Ryan continued. “How can the sister of someone so sweet, and kind be so evil?” 

“What did she say, Ryan?” Olivia asked, pushing the other brunet back in topic.

“She said she wouldn’t leave unless we gave her $25,000.” Ryan said. “If we don’t she’ll call someone named Tucker and tell him that Amanda has known where she was and didn’t notify   
the authorities.” 

“Tucker is the one who investigated the murder that Amanda was accused of.” Liv explained. 

“Ryan.” Alex said softly, gaining the younger woman’s attention. “You know what you have to do, don’t you?” Ryan nodded.

“It’ll hurt her though.” Ryan said. “I don’t think I can hurt her.” Liv placed her hand on Ryan’s knee and squeezed gently.

“She’ll be hurt in the beginning, but if you don’t do this then Kim will keep coming back and that will hurt Amanda more in the long run.” Liv told her. It made sense, and deep down Ryan   
knew that, but it didn’t make any of this easier. Alex pulled the younger woman to her and hugged her tight.

After talking through everything a plan was made. Ryan stood to call Amanda while Liv called Tucker.

“Hey, baby.” Amanda answered, her voice still laced with sleep. Ryan’s heart ached at the thought that after this afternoon that sweet, beautiful voice would be directed at her in anger.

“Hey.” Ryan said, her voice surprisingly staying unbroken. 

“Where are you?”

“I was called in and forgot to leave you a note.” Ryan lied, wincing slightly. “I don’t know how long I’m going to be here. I just didn’t want you to worry.” She finished.

“Okay baby.” Amanda said. “Be careful.”

“I will.” Ryan said before ending the call. When she turned around Liv was still on the phone, but Alex was standing close to her, a worried look on her face. 

“You didn’t tell her.” Alex said. “That’s not going to go over well when she finds out.” Ryan nodded at that.

“No matter what, Kim is her sister. She doesn’t need to know about the money.” Ryan told her. 

“But her knowing that may make things a little easier on you in the long run.” 

“This isn’t about me, it’s about her.” Ryan explained. Liv finally ended her call and made her way over to the other women. 

“Tucker wants you to wear a wire.” Liv said. “He wants to add the extortion charge, but he’s going to need proof.”

“Where the hell am I supposed to get 25 grand to meet her with?” Ryan asked. The plan had been to just tell Tucker and let him arrest her. 

“I can help with that.” Alex said, raising her hand slightly. Ryan looked to her in surprise.

“You have that kind of money just on hand?” Ryan asked causing Liv to smile. Ryan had no idea the family she was now a part of.

“Yes.” Alex answered. Ryan raised her eyebrows at the blonde.

“Okay, but we’re talking about that later.” She told her mother.

Thirty minutes later Scotty was standing, yet again, outside room 303. The wire was strapped to the inside of her bra and there were IA officers standing at the end of the hall, around the   
corner and out of sight. Not needed, Liv and Alex had headed back to the precinct. After much debate it was decided that they were needed there just in case Amanda and Emmy were to   
show up. 

Even though she had been in this situation numerous times with the FBI, Scotty could feel her heart hammering away in her chest.   
The door opened again to reveal Kim, who appeared to be pleasantly surprised by the visit so soon. The blonde woman smiled at her wickedly before letting Scotty in. 

“You have my money?” Kim asked as soon as the door was shut. Scotty held up the black duffel in her right hand. 

“I give you this and you’ll leave?” Scotty asked.

“I’ll go, until I need something else.” Kim told her.

“What makes you so sure that we’ll help you next time?”

“Last time I was here, I almost got Amanda arrested.” Kim said. “Next time, if you don’t give me the money I ask for, then I’ll make sure that she’s arrested for sure this time.” Scotty smiled   
at her, causing Kim to frown slightly.

“I was hoping you would say that.” Just then there was a loud bagging on the door.

“Kim Rollins, NYPD!” Tucker’s voice boomed through the door. Kim’s eyes widened in disbelief.

“I’d get that before they break the door down.” Scotty told her. Before either could move the door burst open and uniformed officers swarmed around them.

“She’ll hate you for this.” Kim spat at her as the cuffs were thrown around her wrists. “I’m her sister, she will never love you after this.” Scotty stepped closer to the cuffed woman.

“It know.” She said. “But, as long as she’s safe then I’m okay with that.” She finished while Kim was being dragged from the room. 

When she entered the bullpen she found Olivia and Alex sitting close together on the couch in the Sargent’s office, their bodies rigid with tension. They both shot up when she stepped into the room. 

“Tucker called.” Liv said. “He said everything went okay. How are you?” She asked as Ryan leaned herself on the desk.

“I’ve been better.” She answered. “I’m waiting.” Both women nodded at that. It was only a matter of time before Kim was given her phone call, no doubt to her sister. After that things were   
going to get harder. Alex stepped forward and hugged her daughter tightly before releasing her, aware of the officers outside the office. 

In no time, it seemed, quick footfalls could be heard coming down the hall. Amanda’s form appeared in front of the windows before she threw the door open and stormed in, furious expression on her face.

“What did you do?!” She yelled at Ryan, causing the woman to back away slightly and hunch over, her arms coming around her middle.

“Amanda.” Liv said in a comforting tone. “Where is Emily?” Amanda’s eyes shot to the Sargent.

“Sitter.” She shot back before turning her attention to her girlfriend. Alex had stood and placed a hand placed gently on her arm, the action causing Amanda to become even more   
furious. “No, don’t try and protect her! What the hell did you do, Scotty?!” Amanda yelled again, causing the brunet to wince at the use of her nickname.

“I…” Scotty’s voice cracked. “I was…” She trailed off again, finding it hard to speak.

“You got my sister arrested!” Amanda said. “She’s my sister!”

“I know.” Scotty managed softly. Amanda scoffed at her.

“I can’t even look at you right now.” She said before storming back out of the office. As soon as the door slammed shut Scotty’s face crumbled and the tears poured from her. Her legs   
seemed to give out and she was caught by her mother and led to the couch the again.

After all her tears were cried, Scotty decided to face the music and go home. Alex made her promise if things got bad she would come to their place.  
When she entered her apartment her stomach immediately dropped. There was a duffel in the middle of the floor and Amanda was making her way to it with toiletries in her hand. She sent a glare to Scotty as she got closer. “What’s happening?” Scotty asked cautiously. Amanda stared at her.

“What does it look like, I’m leaving. I can’t do this.” Amanda told her, causing all the air to be forced from Scotty’s lungs like she were punched in the stomach.

“Can’t do what?” Scotty asked in a small voice.

“This!” Amanda exclaimed. “It’s all too much; the pregnancy, Kim being arrested, you. I need some space.” 

“Please don’t leave.” Scotty begged, causing Amanda to laugh humorlessly.

“What did you think was going to happen?” Amanda asked. “You lied to me!” She yelled.

“I know, but I was just trying to-“

“To what?” Amanda asked, cutting her off. “Protect me? I can take care of myself, I don’t need you.” Scotty’s eyes shut tightly at the last statement, willing the tears not to fall. Amanda   
grabbed her bag and pushed passed the brunet and made her way to the door, only to be stopped by Scotty’s next sentence.

“You stay, I’ll go.” Amanda turned, her anger slipping slightly.

“This is your apartment.” She stated.

“I know, but it’s snowing and it’s late.” Scotty said. “You stay here where it’s warm and I’ll go.” Amanda stared at the other woman. 

“Where will you go?” Amanda asked when she realized there was no use in arguing.

“I’ll go to Liv and Alex’s, or something.” Ryan told her. “Just tell Emmy I’m still working.” She finished as she headed to the door. 

Scotty wandered through the city, her body barely noticing the cold. She found herself, for the second time that day, outside Alex’s building, but this time unwilling to enter. She wanted silence, not empathetic looks. She had screwed up and she needed to get thought that on her own, she didn’t deserve comfort.

A few minutes later she was entering the empty bullpen. She walked the stairs to the crib and made her way to the bed in the very back of the room. As soon as she hit the mattress, her   
body curled into a ball and her tears finally began to fall. She stayed like that until she sobbed herself to sleep.

The next morning found Amanda waking alone in Scotty’s bed. It felt strange at first until the events from the night before came crashing back to her. She felt slightly guilty for the way she had treated her girlfriend. Yes, she had hurt her, but her intentions were pure and that was what mattered, right? 

Before she could question things further there was a knock on the front door. Amanda got up and, stopping for a second to check on the still sleeping child, made her way to the sound. She was half expecting to find Scotty on the other end who would tell her she forgot her key and that everything had been just a nightmare. But when she opened the door it wasn’t Scotty she saw.

There stood Alex, an apologetic look on her face. “Hey.” The older blonde said softly.

“Hey, Alex, come in.” Amanda said and as she ushered the other woman in. 

“How are you guys this morning?” Alex asked, turning to look at the younger blonde, whose face contorted into a confused expression.

“What do you mean?” Amanda asked.

“Well, Ryan never came to our place last night so I assumed that you guys were working things out.” Alex explained, causing Amanda’s eyes to widen.

“What do you mean? Scotty said she was going sleep there.” Amanda said. “She isn’t here.” 

“Oh…” Alex said, pushing her panic down. This was exactly something that Ryan would do. She had always felt the need to punish herself when she had done wrong. “Okay, let me call Liv   
and see if she’s at work.” Alex pulled out her phone and surreptitiously watched the other blonde as she dialed. While Amanda’s face had shown guilt when she answered the door, it   
seemed that guilt was being amped up now. 

A few minutes later Alex hung up and looked back to Amanda. “She’s in the crib asleep.” Amanda nodded. “She’ll probably need some clothes.” Alex added when Amanda seemed to be frozen where she stood. 

“Yea, right.” Amanda said, shaking herself free from her trance. “I’ll bring her some. I’m sorry, but I have to get Emmy ready for day care.” She added, causing the other woman to nod.

“Okay, let me know if you need anything.” Alex said before placing a gentle hand on the younger woman’s arm. “Anything, okay?” Amanda nodded yes as Alex took her leave.

An hour later Amanda came through the bullpen. Liv caught her eye and motioned to the crib. Apparently she had let Scotty sleep.

When Amanda entered the crib she found Scotty sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. When the brunet caught sight of the blonde she threw her glasses on her nose and stood. Amanda made her way to the other woman slowly, every passing breath becoming harder and harder to draw. As soon as she was close enough she handed over the slacks and button up. Scotty took them and placed them on the unkempt bed before turned back to the blonde, who she was surprised to still see standing there. 

“You scared me.” Amanda said, her soft voice breaking the silence. Scotty looked at her questioningly. “You said you would go to Alex’s and you didn’t.” Amanda explained. “She came by and said that you never showed up and I got scared.”

“I’m sorry.” Scotty said, her voice hoarse from crying the night before. “About everything. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“I know you didn’t.” Amanda answered back. “But you did. No matter what she’s done, Kim is still my sister. Just like, even after what you’ve done, I couldn’t breathe this morning when I realized I had no idea where you were, or if you were even okay.” Scotty nodded. She should have known that Amanda would be worried, that was the type of person she was. How could she have been so stupid?

“Come home tonight.” Amanda said, pulling Scotty from her thoughts.

“Are you sure?” Scotty asked. “I can stay here again.”

“No.” The blonde said firmly. “You need to be at home with your daughter.” Scotty’s face fell slightly at the answer. “I need you there too.” The brunet looked at her with a shocked face.

“I’m hurt.” Amanda continued. “You lied to me and I’m hurt and so, so angry. Despite all of that though, I still need you near me. So, come home tonight.” Scotty nodded silently. It was less than what she had hoped, but it was more than she deserved. 

“Okay.” She said quietly. Amanda nodded before turning to leave the room. After the door shut Scotty dressed quickly. How had things gone to shit so quickly?


	14. Becoming Okay Again

That night when Scotty returned home Emmy was being put to bed. Amanda nodded at her as they passed in the hallway, but the only words exchanged were between Emily and her brunet mother. 

After Emmy was asleep Scotty made her way back to the kitchen to find the blonde reheating a plate of food for her. Still, there were no words exchanged between the two women as the plate was pushed in front of her. While Scotty ate, Amanda retired to the bedroom for the night. 

For the next week life continued in that same manner. The women barely spoke to each other, unless absolutely necessary, and at night Amanda slept in the bed while Scotty took the couch in an unspoken agreement. There were moments ever once in a while that showed that the blonde still cared deeply for the brunet, that there was hope for things to go back to the way they were, but then the Amanda would realize her actions and the silence would resume. 

Things were beginning to take their toll on Scotty. Along with back and neck pain from the couch, she couldn’t shake the feeling that this was what she deserved. She knew that Amanda still wanted to be with her, she was still staying at her apartment, but it was like she was stuck in stasis, just waiting for the inevitable to happen and her to come home and Amanda be gone. All of this was causing the brunet to sink lower and lower into a pit of sorrow, knowing that she caused the pain Amanda was feeling.

Scotty was sitting at her desk when a shadow cast over the paperwork she was filling out. She looked up and saw Kessler, a defense attorney Alex had faced off against many times, staring down at her. “What do you want, Kessler?” Scotty asked, a week’s worth of exhaustion lacing her voice. Kessler smiled at her.

“I want you to perform a psych evaluation on my client.” He said to her. Scotty’s eyebrows raised.

“Who is your client?” 

“Damon Wiles.” Kessler answered. Scotty knew the case very well. Wiles was on trial for multiple murder charges. His victims were all blonde, blue eyed women who ranged in age   
anywhere from late- twenties to mid-thirties. The kicker though was that they were all step-parents to young children. 

“No.” Scotty told him. Kessler frowned.

“And why is that?” He asked.

“Well, for starters, I’m allowed to decide not to.” Scotty shot at him, not in the mood to play his games. “Also, his victim profile fits with people that I happen to care deeply about. So, again, the answer is no.” Kessler glared at her. “You can go now, councilor.” Scotty said, making a shooing motion with her hand. 

Again, that night, Scotty made sure to arrive home early enough to kiss Emmy goodnight, but late enough that Amanda didn’t have to feel uncomfortable at dinner. They went through their usual routine; Amanda reheating a plate of food while Scotty bid Emily goodnight, then both women parted ways for bed. 

That night, however, sleep was not peaceful for the brunet. Her dreams were filled with images of Alex and Amanda being brutally tortured and murdered in front of her while they screamed for her. 

The next morning when Amanda awoke she found Emily sitting on the couch, Scotty’s head in her lap with the little girl’s fingers threaded through her hair. As if the girl had fallen asleep while running her fingers through the brown locks. 

She mad her way to the kitchen to start breakfast when a thought hit her. This would be the first time the two women shared a meal since Kim’s arrival. Amanda had felt a small amount of relief, no matter how much she hated the fact that she did, when Scotty would arrive home after dinner and would be gone when she woke up. She knew the brunet was trying to give her space, but it wasn’t until this moment that Amanda realized how much she truly missed Scotty. She missed being held by the other woman while she slept, or waking up to her, and even eating meals together as a family. How did she not see this sooner?

Just then, small footfalls were heard behind her. She turned and saw Emmy standing behind her, wiping the sleep from her eyes adorably. Amanda scooped the child in her arms and planted a kiss to the girl’s cheek before sitting her on the counter. “Good morning, baby.” Amanda said.

“Mornin’ Mama.” Emmy answered. Emily looked at Amanda questioningly before speaking again. “Is Mommy okay?” She asked.

“Why would ask that?” Amanda asked. They had been trying to shield as much of what was happening from Emily as they could, but the kid was observant. It wouldn’t surprise Amanda if she knew everything.

“Mommy had a bad dream.” Emmy said in her small voice. “She was makin’ noises.”

“Is that why you were on the couch this morning?” Amanda asked. Emmy nodded.

“I always sleep with Mommy when she has bad dreams.” Emily answered. “It makes them stop.” 

“When was the last time this happened?” Amanda asked. When the girl shrugged, Amanda realized that it must not have happened since they had been together. 

The conversation was cut short when Scotty wandered in the kitchen, wiping her eyes in the same way Emmy had. Amanda wanted more than anything to wrap the other woman in her arms and never let go, but she knew that there was still things that needed to be discussed. Emily jumped from the counter and into her mother’s arms. “Do you feel better, Mommy?” Scotty’s eyes shot to the blonde before returning to her daughter. 

“Yes, baby. Much better.” Scotty said as she placed a kiss to the child’s forehead. She deposited Emily back on the floor. “Why don’t you go get ready while Mama makes breakfast?” The girl took off down the hall, as if without a care in the world. It really amazed Amanda how children could bounce back like that. 

“Are you okay?” Amanda asked, turning her attention back to Scotty. The brunet looked at her in surprise. It was then that Amanda realized that they hadn’t spoken, really spoken, since the incident. 

“I’m fine, just a nightmare. No big deal.” Scotty said. Amanda knew that Scotty was brushing it off solely for her benefit. She was trying not to burden her with her problems. Amanda reached forward and took the other woman’s hand in hers. Scotty jumped slightly at the unexpected contact. It felt like it had been years since they touched.

“Are you sure?” Amanda asked in a soft voice, not wanting to spook the woman any more than she already had. Scotty nodded, pulling her hand free.

“I have some paperwork that I have to finish so I’m just gonna…” She trailed off, gesturing to the bedroom.   
A few minutes later Scotty came back through the kitchen, placing a kiss atop her daughter’s head and nodding at Amanda, before taking her leave. Amanda felt her heart drop when she realized just how distant they had become. 

As Scotty was leaving for home that night, too late for dinner as per usual, she was stopped at the elevator. There was a man standing next to her with an expectant look on his face. “Can I help you?” She asked.

“Are you Dr. Ryan Prescott?” The man asked. Oh, God. She hated these people.

“Would you believe me if I said no?” She asked. The man smiled at her before handing over an envelope. 

“You’ve been served.” He said before turning on his heel and leaving. When she looked at the papers inside she saw that it was a court order forcing her to not only preform a psychological evaluation on Damon Wiles but also testify on his behalf. Judge Petrovsky, figures. 

In the days that followed things just seemed to get worse. Scotty preformed the evaluation, much to her chagrin, and submitted her report to the defense. She didn’t understand what he was playing at. She reported that Wiles was in the right state of mind when he committed the murders and showed no sense of remorse either. But he still wanted her to testify, even though that would damage his case. 

Her nightmares were getting worse as well. They were staring Amanda more frequently, forcing her to suffer more and more torture. Most nights she ended up waking around four and not wanting to fall back asleep. She would check on Amanda before returning to the couch and finding some way to pass the time. If she was lucky she would get called out.   
One morning when Amanda arrived at the bullpen she saw that Scotty wasn’t there. Which was unusual seeing as she hadn’t been at home when she woke up. Amanda Saw Olivia in her office. “Hey, how’s Scotty?” Olivia asked as she entered, her eyes only leaving the report in front of her for a second. Amanda looked at her curiously.

“What do you mean?” She asked. 

“She called this morning and said she wasn’t feeling well.” Olivia answered, finally looking at Amanda. “Is everything alright?” She asked. Amanda nodded.

“Do you mind if I go back home?” Amanda asked, not liking the thought of Scotty at home sick and alone. Olivia raised her eyebrows. 

“Sure.” She answered. “We’ll call if we need you.” 

Sure enough, when Amanda got back home, there was Scotty laying on the couch looking pitiful. She was covered with a blanket, her arm hanging over the side of the couch. On the floor were bottles of water, a package of saltines, and a large bowl Amanda hadn’t seen before, most likely for vomit. She sat down on the coffee table and shook the other woman gently. Scotty’s eyes opened a fraction. “Are you okay?” Amanda asked. Scotty made a noise in the back of her throat.

“I’m fine.”

“I thought you were at work. Where were you this morning?” Amanda asked. The hand Scotty had dragging the floor gestured to the crackers and water.

“Went to store.” Scotty answered in a groggy voice. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” Amanda asked. “I would have gone for you.” Scotty shook her head.

“Didn’t want to…worry…you.” Scotty answered slowly. Amanda could tell she was exhausted. God only knew how long she had been sick throughout the night. Amanda sighed before   
taking the other woman’s arms and pulling her up. “What’re you doin’?” 

“You need to lay down in a bed.” Amanda said, silencing any argument from the other woman with a pointed look. 

After stumbling down the hallway, Amanda was finally able to position to the other woman on the bed. Scotty tried to object when Amanda pulled the covers over her. “You have a slight fever, baby.” Amanda told her. At the sound of the endearment Scotty’s movements stopped. Even in her sickened haze, it still managed to take her by surprise.   
Amanda retrieved the water and crackers along with the bowl from the living room and set them on the floor by the brunet before climbing in beside her. 

About an hour later there was a knock at the door. Amanda looked to her girlfriend, who had fallen asleep shortly after getting in bed, before she made her way to the door. She was unsurprised to find Alex on the other end, a to-go bag in her hand. Amanda smiled at her as she beckoned her in. “Hey, Liv said Ryan wasn’t feeling well and you guys were home.” Alex said as she placed the bag on the table. “I brought some food for you guys.” 

“Thanks.” Amanda said. Now that she thought about it, she was pretty hungry. “She’s still sleeping, but I could eat.” Alex smiled at her and pulled a container out of the bag and handed it to her before taking a seat at the table. Amanda sat next to her and opened the box, finding a burger and fries from a nearby diner. 

“So how is she?” Alex asked. 

“She looked pretty bad when I got here.” Amanda said after she swallowed her bite. “She’s asleep right now.” Alex nodded.

“And how are you?” Alex asked, knowing that things had been difficult for the other blonde. Amanda paused in her eating slightly before answering.

“I’m okay.” She answered. Alex sighed. 

“You know what? I can’t do this anymore.” Alex said, standing abruptly. “How much do you know about what happened?” Amanda’s eyes widened at the outburst and shrugged her   
shoulders, not understanding what was happening. Alex shook her head in frustration.

“I told her to tell you.” Alex muttered under her breath. “I was going to respect her wishes, but I can’t sit around and watch the two of you hurt anymore. Kim was going to extort you.” 

“What do you mean?” Amanda asked, standing and walking closer to the older woman.

“Ryan went and asked Kim to leave. She said she wouldn’t leave unless you gave her $25,000. That’s why she came to us, it’s why we called Tucker.” Alex told her. “I know that you’re hurt, but Kim was going to use you until you had nothing left.”

“Why didn’t she tell me?” 

“Because Kim is you sister, she didn’t want you to get hurt any more than you had to.” Alex answered. That sounded like something Scotty would do. No matter the circumstances, she was always thinking of others. 

“I don’t know how to fix this.” Amanda said, surprising Alex. 

“What do you mean?” 

“She’s different.” Amanda explained. “She’s standoffish with me and I don’t know how to get us back to where we were.” 

“She knows she hurt you.” Alex said. “I think she’s just trying to give you some space.” Amanda pushed the, now empty, container away from her and turned to face Alex.

“I understand that, but how are we supposed to get passed this if we barely speak?” Amanda asked. “I don’t need space, I need her.” Alex leaned forward and took the other woman’s hand   
and squeezed it gently.

“Right now, I can guarantee you that she is punishing herself.” Alex told her. “She knows that she hurt you and because of that she’s closing herself off so as not to hurt you anymore. But, along with that, she has some pretty heavy abandonment issues. Right now, she’s punishing herself and waiting for you to leave.” 

“How do I make her stop?” Amanda asked in a small voice.

“You show her that you aren’t going anywhere.” Alex told her in a gentle voice. “Let me ask you something. Do you forgive her?” Amanda nodded.

“I forgave her the next day, but by that point things had been said that I couldn’t take back.” Alex nodded, lacing a comforting hand on the younger blonde’s arm.

“Just talk to her.” Alex told her. 

A few hours later saw Amanda curled in bed, book in hand, when Scotty woke again. “Hey, sleepy head, how’re you feeling?” Amanda asked, wiping some of the sweaty hair from the brunet’s forehead, happy to notice that her fever was gone. Scotty looked at her hesitantly, blinking a few times, as if to determine if this was real or not. 

“Better.” Scotty said after a few moments. Amanda smiled softly and turned to face her.

“Alex and Liv are going to watch Emmy tonight.” The brunet nodded. 

“How did I get here?” Scotty asked in a small voice.

“When I got to work Liv said you were sick so I came home. You were on the couch so I brought you in here.” Amanda told her. Scotty looked confused. “You were pretty out of it.” 

“Oh.”

“You think it was just a virus?” Amanda asked. Scotty shook her head.

“It’s probably just stress.” She said. “This happens sometimes.” Amanda’s shoulders slumped, which didn’t go unnoticed by the brunet. “It’s not you.” Amanda looked at her   
questioningly. “Well, not only you.” 

“What’s going on?”

“I’ve been subpoenaed to testify for the defense and I’m not comfortable with it.” Scotty told her.

“You’ve done it before, right?” Amanda asked, waiting for the other woman to nod. “What makes this so different?”

“The guy is guilty.” Scotty said. “The prosecution has enough hard evidence to nail him for this. I’m a hail Mary from the defense to say he wasn’t in his right mind when he completed the   
acts.” Amanda looked at her, knowing she was leaving something out. “His victims have blonde hair and blue eyes, they range between late twenties to mid-thirties, and they all have step children.” There is was. Now it all made sense.

“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?” Amanda asked. “Because his victims resemble me and Alex when you first met her?” Scotty seemed taken back but nodded. “You’re sleeping in here from now on.”

“Amanda, the couch is-“

“No.” Amanda said firmly. “You’re having nightmares, nightmares that are so bad you need to check on me and then refuse to go back to sleep. At least if you’re here then you’ll know I am too.” Too weak to argue further, Scotty nodded. Amanda pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Alright, I’m going to make you some soup, okay?” Again, Scotty nodded, not trusting her words at the moment.

In the days that followed the distance between the two women seemed to diminish slightly. Amanda, however, could still feel Scotty pulling away from her still. Scotty began to come home for meals again and then share a bed with Amanda afterwards, but there were fears still present in her eyes. Amanda began to notice Scotty would check for her shoes when she came home, making sure that the blonde was still there. She would get stiff in the mornings when she woke and her hand would reach out to touch Amanda, her body relaxing when they made contact.   
They were in the kitchen one night after outing Emmy to bed when Amanda turned to the brunet, who was loading the dishwasher. “Don’t forget my appointment tomorrow.” Scotty looked up at her, surprise written on her face. “The ultrasound.” Amanda explained.

“I remember, I just didn’t think…” Scotty trailed off.

“That I’d want you there?” Amanda finished, a sharp pain hitting her in the chest at the realization. “I do. I want you to be involved. This is your baby too, remember?” Scotty nodded, trying to swallow back the lump forming in her throat.

“Okay, ten right?” Amanda nodded. “I’ll be there.” Something needed to be done, Amanda thought. Things were getting better, but Scotty was still terrified.   
The next morning Amanda was sitting on the exam table, Scotty in the chair next to her, when the doctor entered. She was a tall, redheaded woman who looked to be in her mid-forties. “Hello, Amanda, I’m Dr. Montgomery-Grey.” The woman said, extending her hand to the blonde. She then turned her attention to Scotty, extending her hand again. “And you are?” 

“Oh, Ryan Prescott.” Scotty said, shaking the redhead’s hand. “I’m uh…” She trailed off.

“She’s my girlfriend. The baby is ours.” Amanda finished, taking the brunet’s free hand in her own and squeezing it gently. Scotty smiled at her, causing Amanda to realize that she hadn’t seen that smile in a long time. 

“Okay, well, let’s get down to business.” Dr. Montgomery-Grey said. She pulled the ultrasound machine closer while Amanda lifted her gown over her stomach. Scotty’s breath caught at the little bump before her. The blonde was starting to show.

The doctor spread the gel on Amanda’s stomach, causing her to gasp, and pushed a wand around to find a good position. Within a few seconds the sound of the baby’s heartbeat filled the room. The redhead turned the monitor to them and pointed out the head, legs, and arms. Amanda turned to her girlfriend and saw the tears pooling her eyes. She didn’t even realize she herself was crying until the brunet wiped them gently with her thumb. 

“Would you like to t=know the sex?” The doctor asked, breaking the silence. Scotty looked to Amanda who nodded. Dr. Montgomery-Grey smiled at them. “Congratulations Moms, you’re having a boy.” She told them before standing and excusing herself to give them a moment. 

As soon as the door closed Scotty automatically reached for a paper towel and began to wipe the gel from the blonde’s stomach. Amanda smiled at the action, her heart filling with love. Although both women admitted that they loved each other when interrogated by Emily, they decided later that night that, while they did feel love for the other, they weren’t in love yet. They decided that they would take things slow, as slow as they could given the circumstances, until they were. They even decided to hold off on being intimate, wanting the moment to be perfect.

“I love you.” Amanda said, causing the other woman to halt her movements. Scotty looked at her, swallowing thickly. 

“You do?” Amanda’s heart broke at the insecurity lacing the brunet’s tone. The blonde leaned forward, caressing Scotty’s face with her right hand. 

“I do. I’m in love with you.” She said, pulling the other woman to her and taking her lips in a passionate kiss. Scotty melted into her, soaking up the feeling of the other woman.

“We need to go home.” Amanda said against the brunet’s lips when the kiss ended. “Now.”

As soon as the door to the apartment was shut Scotty was pulled into a tight embrace. When they pulled back Amanda took her face in her hands, trying, unsuccessfully, to force their eyes to meet.

“Ryan.” She said, causing the other woman’s eyes to shoot to her in shock. “What?” 

“You just uh…” Scotty shut her eyes tightly before opening them again, as if making sure this was really happening. “You haven’s called me that in a long time.” She said, causing Amanda to take a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.” Amanda said, cutting off Ryan’s response with a pointed look. “I was hurt when I found out about Kim and I said horrible things to you and treated you terribly, and you let me. Because you thought that you deserved it, but baby, you didn’t.” Amanda said, wiping Ryan’s tears with her thumb. 

“Alex told me about the $25,000 Kim wanted.” She continued. “I should have trusted that you would never do anything like that without a good reason. You protected me, even when I was horrible to you, you were still trying to protect me.”

“I love you so much.” Amanda went on. “Ever since we first met you have been taking care of everyone else, and I love that you do that, but baby, let me take care of you. Let go, I’ll be right here and I’m not leaving. I am never leaving you.” Amanda kissed her again, Ryan responding eagerly. The brunet wound her arms around the blonde’s waist, hugging her tightly.   
When they broke apart, Ryan ducked her head in the junction between Amanda’s neck and shoulder. Amanda held her tightly as the other woman’s body was overtaken with sobs. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Ryan cried, causing Amanda to hold her tighter, pressing a kiss to her hair.

When Ryan seemed to have calmed Amanda guided her to the bathroom and sat her on the toilet lid. She wet a washcloth and gently wiped the other woman’s red face. When Ryan looked at her, Amanda was struck by how beautiful the woman was, even with her face red from crying. The blonde leaned forward and kissed her. 

The kiss started as gentle and soft, but soon turned needy. Amanda tugged the brunet to her feet and pulled her to the bedroom. When the blonde pulled Ryan to straddle her on the bed Ryan pulled out of the kiss. “Amanda.” She panted.

“Shh, I love you. I want you.” Amanda said in almost a growl, causing desire to shoot through Ryan’s body. “Can I have you?” She asked, forcing Ryan to lose the last bit of resolve she had. When the brunet nodded Amanda fused their lips together again. After a few seconds, Ryan’s body was shifted to laying on her back, Amanda hovering over her. Amanda pressed sweet open-mouthed kisses down Ryan’s neck while she unbuttoned the brunet’s shirt. 

Soon both women were divested of their clothing and Amanda found herself nestled between the brunet’s legs, mesmerized by her glistening center. Amanda’s eyes shifted to Ryan’s for one last second before she took her first taste of the woman she loved, moaning at the taste. 

Ryan’s fingers weaved through Amanda’s hair as she licked her slowly. She could feel herself being taken higher and higher with every swipe of the blonde’s tongue.   
Amanda pulled back from Ryan, causing the Ryan to groan which was cut off when Amanda attached their lips together again. The brunet groaned at the taste of herself on Amanda’s tongue. She gasped when she felt the blonde ease two fingers in to her, allowing Amanda to deepen their kiss. Amanda pulled back from the kiss and looked at the beautiful woman below her. “Ryan, listen to me, baby.” The brunet opened her mouth but no sound came out. Instead she nodded her head quickly. “I love you.” She said, her hand thrusting slowly, causing the other woman to squirm. “I am never leaving you.” Her hand speeding up it’s pace. “I love you so much, baby. Let go for me. I’m right here.” The blonde told her, her thumb swiping over Ryan’s clit hurling her over the edge.

Amanda rolled off the other woman, pulling her in her arms and pressing a sweet kiss to the brunet’s forehead. “I love you too.” Ryan mumbled tiredly into the blonde’s shoulder. Amanda smiled at her.

“Yeah?” The brunet nodded before looking up in the blue eyes above her, her right hand coming to cup the blonde’s cheek.

“I love you so much.” She whispered reverently. “Are we okay?” She asked hesitantly. Amanda smiled at her, turning her head to kiss the other woman’s palm.

“I forgive you, baby.” Amanda told her. “Can you forgive me?” Ryan’s answer was to pull the blonde to her and kissing her soundly.


	15. Back on Track

The sound of a cell phone ringing woke the two women a few hours later. Ryan’s arm tightened around Amanda as the blonde reached for the offending device. “No.” She mumbled into Amanda’s shoulder.

“It’s Liv, it could be important.” Amanda laughed, pulling away from the warm embrace. “Rollins.” She said as she answered.

“Hey, Rollins, is Scotty there too?” Liv asked on the other end. The blonde frowned and looked to the woman next to her.

“Uh, yea, hang on.” Amanda said as she pulled the phone away from her ear. “You’re on speaker, Liv.”

“This better be good, I was sleeping.” Ryan said, causing the woman on the other end to laugh.

“Well, I was told to call and see if you guys wanted to come to dinner at our place tonight.” Amanda looked to Ryan before answering. The brunet nodded, her eyes still closed.

“What time? We need to pick up Emmy.” Amanda said.

“I was also told to tell you that Alex already picked her up.” The women could hear Liv chuckling.

“Tell your boss lady to quit spoiling my child!” Ryan yelled.

“Ha. She also told me to tell you sass doesn’t suit you.” Ryan finally pulled her face away from her pillow and glared at the phone. 

“Alright, children, let’s try to focus shall we?” Amanda said, stifling her laugh at the other women’s antics. 

“She started it.” The both said together. 

“What time should we be there?” Amanda asked. 

“Alex is already home, but we’re having dinner around six, so any time before then.” Liv told them before ending the call. Amanda looked back to the still naked woman next to her and smiled. It felt so good to be like this with her again. It had been too long since they were this comfortable around each other. 

“Did you mean it?” Ryan asked, pulling Amanda from her thoughts. The blonde saw that same vulnerability in her eyes that she saw at the doctor’s office. It killed her to know that she had made Ryan feel like that. Amanda reached forward, cupping the other woman’s cheek in her palm.

“I meant every word.” She said, looking in the brunet’s eyes. “I love you, so much, and I am so sorry that I made you question that.” Ryan shook her head at the apology.

“It’s my fault.” She said. “I should have come to you after meeting with Kim, but I didn’t want you to get hurt.” 

“I was hurt anyway.” Amanda told her calmly.

“I know, but she is your sister.” Ryan explained. “Me hurting you is bad enough, but your sister is someone who is always supposed to have your back, not try to extort you. I didn’t want you to have to go through that again.”

“So, you thought that you hurting me would be better because she meant more to me than you?” Amanda asked. Ryan’s eyes darted to the wall behind them and her shoulders shrugged slightly. The blonde used the hand on Ryan’s face to guide their eyes back together. “Ry, listen to me, no matter what happens, you will always be my priority. You, Emmy, and our son.” She said, causing Ryan’s eyes to widen. “He’s still your son. I want you to see this baby the way I see Emily, as our child.” She finished, wiping the tears that were pooling in the brunet’s eyes.

“I love you.” Ryan told her. “I love you so much, and I want us to be a family. All four of us.” She said, sealing the declaration with a kiss. 

“You know, we still have a few hours before we have to be at dinner.” Ryan said against Amanda’s lips, causing the blonde to smile.

“Oh, whatever shall we do?”

“I can think of a few things.” The brunet said, trailing kisses down the other woman’s neck.  
~ ~ ~ ~  
“Nana?” Emily asked. Alex looked up from the food she was preparing to the small child seated at the bar in front of her. 

“Yes, sweetie.” 

“Why did you leave Mommy?” Emmy asked innocently. Alex’s hands stopped moving as she stared at the oblivious child. The blonde made her way to the sink and rinsed her hands before taking a seat next to her granddaughter, pulling the child in to her lap.

“It’s hard to explain.” Alex said, causing Emily to raise her eyebrows, as if to say you really expect me to believe that? “A long time ago, Nana made some very bad people angry and I had to move and change my name. That is when I met your mommy and her mommy.”

“Did you leave cause’ they finded you?” Emily asked, her hand moving to play with Alex’s blonde locks.

“Sort of.” Alex told her. “The bad men found out that I was still alive and there was a chance they would find me.” She said, unconsciously pulling Emmy tighter. The girl’s hands stopped their movements in Alex’s hair and she stared at her grandmother.

“But they’re gone now?” Alex smiled at her.

“Yes, baby, they are all gone now.” Emmy’s arms wound tight around the older woman’s neck.

“Good.”

“Very good.” Alex replied, holder her granddaughter to her in at tight embrace. “I promised your mommy this, and I’ll promise you. No more leaving.” She finished, pressing a kiss to the brown hair.

“Now, what do you say I finish with dinner and then we make some cookies for dessert?” Alex asked when they pulled apart, causing Emmy to nod enthusiastically.

An hour later there was a knock on the door. Alex stood at the entryway to the kitchen as she watched Emily ask “who there” before opening the door for her parents. “Mama!” She yelled before hurling herself into Amanda’s arms. 

“Hello to you to, daughter of mine.” Ryan said through a smirk. She looked over and spotted her mother in the kitchen before making her way to her. 

“Hey, honey.” Alex said, hugging her daughter. 

“Hey, how was she?” Ryan asked as she watched her girlfriend carry the child into the living room. 

“Oh, she was great.” Alex said as they made their way into the kitchen. Ryan narrowed her eyes at the older woman for a moment before speaking.

“Uh huh, what did she do?” She asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You have that same look you used to give me when I was a kid.” Ryan explained. “The one that said you were proud of me, and yet slightly astonished at my abilities.” The brunet smiled at the déjà vu like moment. She would do or say something, and Alex would get the exact same look on her face as the one she wore now. 

“Your daughter would make a good lawyer, or even detective, with the way she interrogates.” Alex said, causing Ryan to groan. 

“I’m sorry, what did she ask about?” Ryan asked, though she was sure she already knew the answer. 

“Why I left you.” Was her reply. 

“I’m sorry.” Ryan said again. Alex moved to her and placed a gentle hand on her daughter’s arm.

“It’s okay. She was bound to ask sooner or later.” Ryan nodded at that. The brunet moved her head and saw that Amanda and Emily were well occupied in the living room before turning her attention back to Alex.

“There is something I wanted to talk to you about.” She said, Alex nodded. “You never told me how, exactly, you have 25 thousand dollars just laying around.” 

“Right.” Alex said. She knew this was coming eventually, they never did have that conversation that Ryan had promised her before Kim’s arrest. 

“If you don’t tell me, I’ll have to guess.” Ryan joked. “And I have a pretty elaborate imagination.” Alex laughed.

“Well, the Cabot family is from old money.” Alex told her. “Family came on the Mayflower and all that. My great-great grandfather founded the Cabot Shipping Industry and then my grandfather made some very good investments.”

“So….you’re loaded.” Ryan deduced, Alex nodding in reply.

“You are too.” Alex said, causing Ryan’s eyes to bug. 

“Uh, crazy lady say what exactly?” 

“Well, seeing as you’re my daughter, you are entitled to a part of the shares.” Alex told her nonchalantly. Ryan took a breath, knowing what she was about to say was going to hurt the older woman.

“Alex, you know that I love you.” She said, causing the blonde to open her mouth to reply. “Let me finish. You will always be my mother. However, legally that isn’t the case. I’m not a Cabot and that money should stay within your family.” Ryan finished.

“Ry, that money belongs to you as much as it would to any child I give birth to.” Alex argued, causing Ryan to smile.

“I know that you feel that way, but you’ve mentioned that you have other family.” Ryan told her. “Other family that, if they were to contest you ‘sharing your wealth’, so to speak, would win because we wouldn’t have a legal leg to stand on.” Alex nodded, knowing Ryan was right. She really was too smart for her own good.

“I love you, and I love that you accept me as your daughter, but I don’t need your money to see you as my mother.” Ryan said, pulling the older woman in a tight hug.

“Uh, are we interrupting something?” Liv’s voice broke through the fog and thrust them out of their bubble and back to the present. The two women broke their embrace and turned to where the voice emanated from. There stood Olivia, Noah on her hip, next to Amanda with Emily standing in front, the blonde’s hands draped over her shoulders, all watching them intently. 

“Yes.” Ryan said with fake exasperation. “Go on, scuttle along.” She said, making a shooing motion with her hand, causing the others to laugh. 

“Well, dinner is ready. We were just waiting on you.” Alex said, looking at Liv. 

“Good.” She said, placing Noah in his highchair. “I’m starving.”

“When are you not starving?” Ryan mumbled, earning a slap to the gut from Alex and Amanda simultaneously. “Seriously?” She groaned, looking at the two blondes.

“That’s what you get.” Olivia taunted.

“Children! Can we please eat?” Alex asked. Liv and Ryan went to speak but were interrupted by Amanda.

“We know, ‘she started it’.” The brunets smiled sheepishly at their respective girlfriends before sitting at the table. 

After dinner, Emmy decided that it was time for a movie night with the family. They all sat around the living room while the Frozen, Emmy’s choice, played.   
It must have been too much, however, seeing as both children were asleep before the movie was even halfway done. Liv and Alex took Noah to bed, leaving Amanda and Ryan on the couch with a sleeping Emily between them. Ryan looked to the blonde and smiled before standing, making sure to move Emmy as little as possible, and holding her hand out to the blonde.

“What?” Amanda asked.

“Would the lady do me the honor of a dance?” Ryan asked with a faux British accent, that was surprisingly quite accurate, and a bow. Must be what made her so good at undercover work   
Amanda thought as she placed her hand in Ryan’s. 

“There’s no music.” Amanda laughed once she was in the brunet’s arms. Ryan simply smiled and began to hum as they started to sway. 

All I am, All I'll be   
Everything in this world   
All that I'll ever need   
Is in your eyes   
Shining at me 

Ryan sang as they swayed, placing a soft kiss to Amanda’s forehead.

When you smile I can feel   
All my passion unfolding   
Your hand brushes mine   
And a thousand sensations   
Seduce me cause I 

Ryan pulled the blonde tighter.

I do Cherish you   
For the rest of my life   
You don't have to think twice   
I will love you still   
From the depths of my soul   
It's beyond my control   
I've waited so long to say this to you   
If you're asking do I love you this much   
I do   
In my world, before you   
I lived outside my emotions   
Didn't know where I was going   
'Til that day I found you   
How you opened my life   
To a new paradise   
In a world torn by change   
Still with all of my heart   
'Til my dying day   
I do Cherish you   
For the rest of my life   
You don't have to think twice   
I will love you still   
From the depths of my soul   
It's beyond my control   
I've waited so long to say this to you   
If you're asking do I love you this much   
I do

At the hallway stood Alex and Liv, watching the other women sway with smiles on their faces. “She has a beautiful voice.” Liv whispered, not wanting to ruin the moment. Alex smiled.

“She got that from Nic.” Alex told her. “I’m glad they’re okay.” Olivia wrapped an arm around the blonde’s waist and pulled her close.

“We knew they would be.” The other women halted their dancing when Emmy woke from her slumber and held her arms out to her parents. Ryan scooped her up and Amanda wrapped her   
arms around her two loves. 

It was then that the presence of the older women was noticed by the other blonde. Liv and Alex entered the living room, both still smiling at the younger couple, before a thought struck Alex. “How did the appointment go?” She asked, causing Emmy’s head to lift off her mother’s shoulder. Ryan smiled and looked to Amanda, who nodded.

“We’re having a boy.” Ryan said.

“I get br’uh’der?” Emmy mumbled through her still sleep hazed state. Amanda giggled at the child, a sound Ryan had come to adore.

“That’s right, baby, you’re getting a brother.” Amanda said as she rubbed a hand up and down Emily’s back. 

“That is so great!” Alex said, clapping her hands together before she pulled Liv and sandwiched the other girls between them in a group hug. “I’m so proud of you both.” She said in to Amanda’s shoulder.

“We both are.” Liv said. Ryan smiled at her family. Things were finally getting back on track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is I Do (Cherish You) by 98 Degrees.


	16. Testifying

Later that night, after everyone had left and it was just the detective and Alex, Liv found the blonde sitting in their bed staring off in the distance. She seated herself next to the councilor and took her hand. “Hey, what are you thinking?” She asked. Alex’s eyes darted to meet the brunet’s and she smiled softly at her.

“I was just thinking about something Ryan told me earlier.” Alex replied. At Liv’s questioning glance the blonde put in recounting her conversation with her daughter earlier in the kitchen. 

“Well,” The detective began. “She’s kind of right.”

“What do you mean?” Alex asked, slight anger evident in her voice. 

“She is your daughter and she always will be, but legally, she’s right. You never formally adopted her.” Olivia said. Alex’s eyes narrowed slightly and her bottom lip was pulled in between her teeth, biting it slightly, a gesture that Liv had seen both Alex and Ryan do when concentrating often. Another quality that they had in common. “What is it?” Alex looked at her questioningly. “You have that look you and Ryan get when you’re scheming.”

“What if I adopted her now?” Liv raised her eyebrows.

“You do realize that she’s 23, right?” Liv asked. “She’s an adult.”

“Yes, I do, but there is no age limit to the age of adoption in New York.” Alex told her, her face lighting up with excitement. “If I adopted her then she would legally be my daughter” The detective laid her hands on the blonde’s shoulders.

“Honey, I think that you should talk to Ryan about this.” Olivia told her. “This is a big decision that you both should discuss.”

“What do you think?” Alex asked her. “Do you think it’s a good idea?”

“I think that it would be a step in the right direction.” Liv said. “But this is between you and Ryan.” Liv said, pulling the blonde to her and hugging her tightly. 

“Hmm.” Alex said, snuggling closer. “I like this.” She said.

“What?”

“This, us. You holding me at night.” Alex told her, allowing the other woman’s scent to fill her senses. “I’m so glad that we are together.”

“Me too, baby.” Liv whispered, pressing a kiss in to the blonde’s hair. The two laid back in their bed and were content to simply hold each other until they drifted in to slumber. 

The next day saw Olivia and Alex sitting in the Sargent’s office enjoying their lunch in comfortable silence. It was the same position that they could have been seen in during the years prior, only now they were allowed to touch each other in the ways that they always wanted. Like when Alex’s leg would brush up against Olivia’s, or when the detective would lean over and wipe access salad dressing off the blonde’s lip. 

A knock at the door drew a sigh from both women. Liv looked out her blinds and spotted Amanda waiting on the other end. “Never seem to be rid of the kids.” She said, signaling through the window for the younger woman to enter. 

“Hey guys, sorry about breaking up your lunch, but have you heard anything from Scotty?” The younger blonde asked. Alex looked to her girlfriend with questioning eyes.

“She had court, but I haven’t heard anything.” She said. “Why?” She could see that Rollins was worried, but all of them were required to testify at times so her concern seemed to be a little excessive. 

“She was nervous about her testimony and I haven’t heard anything yet.” Rollins explained. Alex’s eyebrows shot up at that. 

“What do you mean?” The lawyer asked.

“She’s testifying for the defense in the Damon Wiles case.” Amanda explained. Looks of understanding washed over the other two in the room. “She was supposed to be done by now.”

“Rollins, I’m sure she’s fine.” Liv told her. “The questioning probably went long.” Alex, who had been nodding with the detective, reached for her purse that held her ringing phone. 

“Cabot.” She said. “What? What happened?” The lawyer’s eyes darted to the younger blonde in the room. “We’ll be right there.” The other women looked at her questioningly.

“What’s wrong, what is it?” Olivia asked.

“Ryan’s in the tombs.” Alex explained, her whole body screaming that she was pissed. 

“What?!” Rollins yelled.

“That was Petrovsky. She called as a curtsey, she said that Ryan was held in contempt.” Alex said.

“What did she do?” Liv asked.

“She hit Kessler.” Alex told them, a hint of a smile evident on her face despite the situation.

A few moments later Alex, Liv and Rollins were walking through booking to see Scotty pacing in a cell. Her cobalt blue blouse had been partly untucked from her black slacks and her right hand was covered in scrapes and blood. Rollins made her way to her girlfriend while Liv and Alex squared Scotty’s release from the officer at the front desk. When the brunet saw her she met her at the cell bars. “What the hell happened?” Rollins asked.

“You should see the other guy.” Scotty said, trying to lighten the mood and failing if the glare Rollins sent her was any indication. 

“You hit Kessler!” Rollins hissed at her.

“Yea, I noticed.” Scotty fired back at her.

“Well, well, Petrovsky held you in contempt, huh?” Olivia said as she came up beside Rollins. “Must be a family trait.” She said, cutting her eyes to Alex as she too appeared beside the   
detectives. 

“Really?” Scotty asked, a smile appearing on her face, only to disappear when she saw the anger on her mother’s face. 

“What in the hell were you thinking?” Alex said, her voice dangerously low. “You hit a defense attorney! In court!” 

“Yes.” Scotty said. “I don’t see why you all see the need to remind me of this fact.” Olivia and Rollins decided that this was probably a good time to back away and leave this conversation to   
the other two women.

“Ryan Lee Prescott!” Alex yelled. “You better give me a good reason why you hit him or, so help me god, I will leave you here.” Scotty backed away from the bars and swallowed thickly. 

“He…he…” Scotty started. At that moment the front desk officer returned with Scotty’s paperwork and opened the cell door. 

“Dr. Prescott?” He asked. Scotty nodded. “You’re free to go.” As the young woman moved to exit the cell Alex held up her hand.

“Not yet, you’re not.” She said, her voice stern. “Why did you hit him?” Scotty looked to the officer who, like the other women, decided this was a conversation best held between the two women alone. 

“He antagonized me!” Scotty answered. The look her mother sent her told her that she needed elaboration.   
~~~  
Scotty sat in the chair designated for witnesses staring at the defense attorney as he walked towards her. She had just been called as his expert witness. “Dr. Prescott, could you please tell the court what your occupation is?” Kessler asked.

“I am a forensic psychologist working with the FBI.” Scotty answered. “I predominantly analyze behavior and profile criminals, but I also provide the bureau with psych evaluations as well.” 

“You preformed such an evaluation on my client, Mr. Damon Wiles, didn’t you?” He asked her.

“Yes, I did.” 

“And what did you find?” Kessler asked, turning and leaning against the banister in front of the jury and smiling at them.

“I found him completely competent at the times that he committed his crimes.” Scotty said. Kessler’s smile dropped and he turned to look back at his witness.

“Are you sure?” He asked, his face showing shock and confusion.

“Yes.” Scotty answered. “Not only that, but your client shows no remorse.” 

“Uh, are you positive?” Kessler asked, his confusion deepening. 

“I just said yes.” Scotty answered. Kessler raked a nervous hand through his hair before asking his next question.

“When was the last time you had a drink, Dr. Prescott?” He asked, his voice sounding apologetic.

“I’m sorry?” Scotty asked. She must have misheard him. There was no way.

“You are an alcoholic, are you not?” He asked.

“Objection!” The prosecutor yelled. “He’s badgering the witness.”

“It’s his witness.” The judge said. “Is there a point to this?” She asked.

“Yes, your honor.” Kessler said. “I promise.” 

“Get to it fast, would you please?” The judge said.

“Doctor?” Kessler asked.

“What does that have to do with your client?” Scotty replied. 

“If you had been drinking, is there a possibility that that could have an effect on your testimony?” He asked, getting closer to the witness stand as he spoke.

“I am in recovery! I haven’t had a drink in-“

“That’s not what I asked, Doctor.” Kessler said. “I asked if that could have an effect on your testimony.” Scotty opened her mouth to speak before closing it again, defeated.

“Theoretically, yes.” She answered. Kessler smiled at her smugly before turning to the judge.

“I’m sorry your honor, I’m afraid that I have wasted the court’s time.” He said. “It appears that my witness is not fit to testify.” 

“Excuse me!?” Scotty yelled.

“Dr. Prescott, you are free to go.” Petrovsky told her.

“Oh no, I told you when you asked me to testify that I thought your client was guilty.” Ryan continued.

“Doctor!” Petrovsky yelled, hitting the gavel a few times in an effort to get the young woman’s attention.

“I also told you that I couldn’t be objective since two of my family members fit his type.” 

“Your honor?” Kessler asked, looking bored.

“How dare you!” Scotty fired off at the man. Kessler walked closer to her, merely inches apart. 

“You are free to go, Doctor.” He said. “Besides, it’s not like they’re really your family, are they?” He asked.

Before anyone had time to react, Kessler was on the floor holding a hand to his broken and bleeding nose while Scotty stood at the witness stand, shaking her bloody hand.

“Bailiff!” The judge yelled. “Remove her from my courtroom!”  
~~~  
“That’s what happened.” Scotty told Alex, whose face was covered in surprise. 

“That slimy, son of a bitch!” Alex said as she turned and walked out, the other women rushing after her.


	17. Truth Comes Out

Once the women exited the building they were lucky enough to catch the blonde getting in a taxi. “Meet in my office” Liv said before rushing to hop in the cab behind her girlfriend. 

“She’s going to kill me.” Scotty said, causing Amanda to laugh.

“What? It’s not like she doesn’t know you’re in AA.” The detective said. Scotty just looked at her with raised eyebrows. “You never told her?” Amanda asked after her laughter died off.

“It never came up.” Scotty told her. Amanda turned and watched the taxi drive away in the direction of the precinct.

“She’s going to kill you.” Amanda said.

“I know!” Ryan answered back. 

As soon as Olivia entered the cab she spouted off the address to the precinct and turned her attention to the fuming blonde next to her. “No, that isn’t where we’re going!” She shouted, causing the cab to stop moving.

“Yes, we are.” Liv said back. When Alex went to reply she covered the lawyer’s mouth with her hand and nodded to the cabbie to start moving.

“I don’t want to go to the precinct.” Alex said in a slightly smaller voice. “I want to-“

“I know what you want to do.” Liv told her. “I want to do it too, but if you go storming in to Petrovsky’s office you will say or do something and we will be trying to get you out of jail next.” 

Alex opened her mouth to reply before promptly shutting it. Liv was right.   
A few moments later the two women entered the sergeant’s office, shutting the door as they did. “I cannot believe that son of a bitch!” Alex exclaimed as she leaned herself on the edge of Liv’s desk. 

“I know sweetie.” Olivia said soothingly, coming to stand next to the blonde. Alex turned her body to stare at the older woman. 

“When I get my hands on him I’m going to strangle him with my bare hands.” The lawyer seethed. “How could he do that to her, Liv?” 

“I don’t know, honey.” 

“I mean, Petrovsky should have done something. He was completely out of line.” Alex said, pushing herself off the desk to pace in front of the detective. Liv’s eyes darted to the door to her   
office. If Ryan didn’t get here soon things were really going to get complicated, and soon. 

“He discredited her in front of that entire jury. He never even thought of what that could do to her career.” Alex continued, not even noticing the other woman’s minimal responses. “To stand in court and-“All of a sudden Alex’s movements stopped. There it was. The moment Liv was waiting for. The blonde’s mind finally moved past ‘angry mama-bear’ and registered everything that Ryan had said.

“Recovery?” Alex said in a quiet voice. Liv moved to stand next to her and placed gentle hands on her arms.

“Honey-“

“She said recovery.”

“I was wondering when you were going to catch that.” Liv sighed. As Ryan’s boss, she was told about the past alcohol and substance abuse when the other woman was moved to her team.   
She knew that Ryan was trying to find a way to talk to her mother about it, but had yet to do so. 

Right about that time the office door opened a crack and Amanda peered in. Liv waved her in and she entered, followed by a rather pale looking Ryan.

“Is there something you would like to tell me?” Alex asked, her gaze turning to her daughter. She noticed the vice grip the younger woman had on Amanda’s hand and her thoughts raced   
back to Liv’s last statement. I was wondering when you were going to catch that. It seemed that the only one surprised by this new information was her. Her gaze turned cold as she, once   
again, directed her gaze at Ryan. “Well, since everyone else in the room seems to know, why don’t I just say it for you? You’re a drunk!” Alex yelled, her anger taking over.

“Alex!” Liv yelled back, not believing her ears. She looked to Ryan and saw the woman shrinking in Amanda’s arms. It was a strange sight to see the usually tough woman curling in to   
herself, out of shame or guilt Liv was unsure.

“No! How could you not tell me?!” Alex fired at her daughter. “I can’t believe they actually let you carry a gun!” The moment the words left her mouth she knew she shouldn’t have said them, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. She was so angry. “Your mother was killed by a drunk driver, for Christ’s sake! How could you turn into the same kind of person who killed her?!” The words were followed by the sound of a crack filling the room. 

Liv’s eyes widened at the sight before her. There stood Alex, her hand covering part of her face, with Amanda in front of her, glaring at her fiercely, with her hand still in the air from the strike. “How dare you.” The younger blonde said, her voice hazardously low. Alex’s eyes darted to her right where Ryan seemed to be held up by the wall. She looked to be in so much pain, pain that she had put her in. The air suddenly evaporated from the room. She had to get out, had to breathe. 

“I have to go.” She said, rushing from the room. Amanda was right. How dare she? She had just gotten her daughter back and here she was hurting her…again.  
Back in the office Liv scurried to where Ryan was now sitting on the floor, having slid down the wall when Alex took her leave. The young woman was desperately trying to hold in her tears.   
Olivia had taken the slightly shaking woman in her arms when Amanda finally turned her attention back to them. 

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” Amanda said as she sunk to the floor with the other women. 

“Amanda, I think you should go after her.” Liv said, causing Amanda to look at her bewildered.

“I’m not leaving her.” She whispered, her hand running up and down Ryan’s back soothingly.

“She right.” Said a small voice. The women looked down and saw Ryan looking back at them. “She didn’t mean it, she’s just upset.”

“Liv can go.” Amanda reasoned. “She’s your girlfriend.” She directed at her superior. 

“Yes, but you understand more about addiction.” Ryan told her. “You should go, I’ll be fine.” The brunets could see the war waging within the blonde. 

“Alright, fine.” Amanda sighed. “You sure you’ll be okay?” 

“I’ve got her, Amanda.” The blonde nodded before leaving to search for the lawyer. “You think you can move, Ry?” Liv asked gently. The younger brunet nodded and Liv led them both to   
the couch next to them.

“You’re right you know.” Liv told her once they were seated, Ryan leaning heavily into her side. “She didn’t mean it.” 

“I know, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.” Ryan told her. Liv pulled her closer, pressing a kiss to her hair. That seemed to be the younger woman’s breaking point. Tears began to pour   
down Ryan’s face as her body was overtaken with sobs.

After checking the lawyer’s office Amanda headed straight to the woman’s apartment. Once there she let herself in with the spare key that the women had given both she and Ryan weeks prior. There was Alex, sitting on the couch, her head in her hands. 

At the sound of the door opening Alex looked up, expecting Liv, but was surprised to find Amanda staring at her. The other woman made her way to her silently, taking a seat to her left. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“I know.” Amanda said just as softly. Since Ryan had entered her life she had come to know a different side of the usually stoic prosecutor. They had even become close. After learning about the problems with her mother, the blonde had hugged her tightly and even sworn to always be there for the young detective in the future. Even after the events that had transpired before, seeing the other woman so distraught was upsetting. The detective placed a comforting arm around the older woman and pulled her to her side and held her tightly.   
“How could I do that?” Alex sobbed into Amanda’s shoulder. 

“You were upset.” Amanda told her.

“It’s no excuse.” Alex replied in a watery voice. Amanda pulled back slightly and looked at the blonde next to her. 

“Alex, Ryan understands why you reacted the way you did.” Amanda told her. “She’s the one who sent me to check on you.” Alex smiled softly at that. That was Ryan, always looking out for others.

“I never should have yelled at her.” Alex said, leaning back on the couch.

“Probably not, but you just found out that your daughter is a recovering alcoholic.” Amanda reasoned. The two women sat in silence for a few moments before the older woman spoke up.  
“Why didn’t she just tell me?” Alex asked.

“It’s complicated.” Amanda said, causing Alex to look at her expectantly. “Everyone is different, but when it comes to me, I’m always hesitant to talk about my addiction because I am ashamed.” 

“The person I became when I was gambling isn’t the person that I want to be and it’s always hard to talk about it.” Alex nodded at that.

“I do know that she wanted to tell you, she just didn’t know how.” Amanda finished.

“She had no problems telling you or Liv.” Alex spat back, venom filling her voice again. Amanda placed a hand over Alex’s and squeezed gently. “I’m sorry.” Alex whispered.

“I know the very basics when it comes to Ry’s addiction. There are still many things that I don’t know.” Amanda said. “As for Liv, being Ryan’s superior now, Ryan had to disclose to her all of the details of the addiction, but that doesn’t mean that she was okay with that.” Alex nodded again.

“You think she’ll let me apologize?” Alex asked, her voice wavering with vulnerability. 

“You know she will.” Amanda smiled at the older woman. “Go wash your face and we can head out.” Alex stood from her position and made her way to the bathroom, stopping in the hallway to turn and look back at the younger woman.

“Amanda?” She said, gaining the blonde’s attention. “Thanks.” Amanda smiled at her.

When the two women walked back in to the bullpen everyone was cleared out, most probably being sent home, and the blinds to Olivia’s office were closed. When they entered they saw the two brunet’s on the couch; Liv reading through a case file, Ryan’s head nestled in her lap, her eyes closed in sleep, while Liv gently ran the fingers of her right hand through the other woman’s short hair. 

Liv looked up when she heard her door open and smiled when she saw Alex and Amanda in the door way. “Is she alright?” Alex asked. Liv’s smile widened when she heard the motherly worry in the older blonde’s voice. It looked as if Amanda had gotten through to her.

“She’s fine, just fell asleep.” Olivia told her. 

“Hey, Liv, I need some help with a report.” Amanda said. “Could you?” She asked, gesturing to the bullpen. While Liv maneuvered Ryan out of her lap, Alex turned to Amanda and mouthed “thank you”. The younger blonde nodded and pulled the older detective out of the office as soon as she placed Ryan’s head on a pillow. 

Alex stood there by the now shut door and looked at her daughter as she snuggled deeper in the pillow. She seemed so much younger while she slept, like she was still that little girl she had grown to know all those years ago. The blonde moved slowly and sat next to Ryan on the couch, placing a soft hand on the younger woman’s cheek. 

Ryan stirred at the feeling of someone touching her in her sleep. The hand was too large to belong to Emily and too smooth to be Amanda or Liv’s calloused hands. A sense of panic filled   
her and she felt herself grow rigid. Soon, though, the smell of her mother’s perfume washed over her and she instantly relaxed under the touch. Her reddened eyes eased open, burning from the tears earlier, and she looked at the guilty expression Alex was sending her. She moved herself to a sitting position and looked at her mother with fear filled eyes. Alex wrapped her arms around the smaller woman and pulled her close. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.” She said.

“It’s okay.” Ryan rasped back to her. Alex pulled back and looked at Ryan.

“No it isn’t.” She insisted. “I should never have said the things I said. I never meant them, I was just hurt.” Ryan nodded at that.

“I know.” She replied. Alex leaned forward and pressed a loving kiss to her forehead. “I wanted to tell you, I really did. I just didn’t know how.” Ryan told her.

“Honey, you had to know that I would never think any different of you.” Ryan raised her eyebrows at that statement, as if to say ‘really?’ “Okay, the last hour notwithstanding.” Alex replied.

“It wasn’t that exactly.”

“Then what was it, baby?” Alex asked her gently, running her hand through the younger woman’s hair the same way Liv was a few moments prior.

“The person I was during that time is not someone that I recognize. How was I supposed to tell you that the girl you raised became a drunk? I didn’t want to disappoint you.” Ryan replied. 

“Oh, honey, you could never disappoint me.” Alex told her softly. “When did it start?” Alex asked.

“Right after I started at Yale.” 

“Why?” The blonde asked although she knew the answer that was coming.

“I was fourteen, alone, and in a place that I didn’t know, in classes with people ten years older than me, and I was hurting.” Ryan told her. “Drinking seemed to dull the pain at the time and   
made people like me. I finally had friends, at least I thought they were my friends.” 

“When did you get help?” 

“I got arrested.” Ryan said, causing Alex’s eyes to practically bug out of her head. “I was inebriated and as soon as I sobered up a Fed talked to me and got me help.” Alex nodded.

“That’s why you enlisted at Quantico.” Alex said. “I’m proud of you.” Ryan’s head shot up. 

“What?” That was the last thing she expected to hear.

“I’m proud of you.” Alex repeated. “You had a problem, yes, but you got help.” As soon as the words left her mouth Ryan’s arms were wrapped around her neck. “I love you, baby.” Alex   
whispered against the brunet’s hair.

“I love you too, Mom.” Ryan said into the older woman’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry.” Alex told her as they pulled apart. Before Ryan could say anything back there was a gentle knock on the office door. Both women looked up to see Olivia and Amanda standing in the door way smiling softy at their girlfriends.

That night, after Noah was out to bed, Olivia found Alex pacing the living room. Even though the situation with Ryan had been handled, there was still the matter of Kessler. After leaving the precinct all four women felt emotionally shot. It felt as if the past few weeks had run them over with a freight train. She and Alex made off to pick up Noah while Amanda left to get Emily and Ryan headed to a meeting a few blocks away. All the stress getting to her and Liv could see her eyes darting longingly to the bar next to the precinct while they said goodbye. This, of course, made Alex even more determined to make the defense attorney pay for the part he played in her daughter’s tension. 

Olivia made her way to where the blonde was still pacing and, after a few useless attempts to gain the other woman’s attention, she stepping in front of the blonde. As soon as their bodies collided Alex’s eyes met her own and she felt the prosecutor relax slightly in her arms. “Baby, you have got to stop pacing. It’s freaking me out a little.” Liv said, gaining a smile from Alex in return.

“I’m sorry.” Alex told her. “I just-“She was cut off by the detective’s lips. A warm sensation filled the blonde as she felt Olivia’s arms pull her closer and she deepened the kiss, moaning as their tongues meeting in a now familiar dance. “Wow.” She said as soon as they parted.

“Honey, we aren’t at ‘wow’ yet, you just wait.” Liv said through a chuckle. “I know you’re worrying about Ryan, but you need to relax for a little bit, then you can go back to planning to murder Kessler.” Alex nodded, knowing she was right. There was really nothing that she could do right now anyway. Amanda had texted her as soon as Ryan had come home from her meeting and Ryan had even called so she could assure her herself that she was indeed okay. 

“I know, I just can’t make my mind shut off.” Alex told her. Liv smiled wickedly and took the other woman’s hand, pulling her to their room.   
The next morning Liv woke to blue eyes staring at her intently. She felt goose bumps emerge on her arm as Alex slowly ran her fingers up and down against her skin. “Thank you.” Alex said.

“For what?” Liv asked, sleep still lacing her voice. Alex smiled at the detective.

“Just for being you.” She said. “For pulling me out of my head last night.” Liv nodded at her, yawning.

“Have you figured out what you’re going to do about Kessler?” Liv asked?

“You bet your hot ass I have.” Alex said, smacking the detective’s backside for emphasis. Just as Liv was moving in for a kiss a cry was heard over the baby monitor. The two women shared   
a smile before leaving their bed and heading to the boy’s room.

“What’s up my lil man?” Liv asked as she made her way to the boy’s crib and Alex leaned against the doorjamb. As she watched her detective with him her mind raced images of them in the future. Noah taking his first steps as she recorded it on her phone and Liv crying as he fell in to her arms. Him at his first school recital and them sitting anxiously in the audience, Ryan and Amanda beside them with their children. Noah bringing home a girl for the first time and Ryan doing her best to embarrass him while he glared at her. Her teaching him to drive. Olivia teaching him to defend himself. His graduation. All of these things she wanted to experience with Liv. She finally had the family that she always dreamed of, things couldn’t be better.

Apparently, that was wrong, since Olivia was trying to gain her attention at that exact moment. “Alex!” She said a little louder, the blonde finally turning her attention to her with raised eyebrows. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” She asked, hurriedly.

“Nothing, baby, but you need to hear this.” Liv told her before turning back to her son. “Okay, Noah, who am I?” She asked, pointing to herself.

“Ma!” The child answered happily. The detective heard the woman gasp beside her and held up her hand for her to wait, that wasn’t all.

“Okay, baby, who is that?” She asked, pointing to Alex.

“Mama!” He yelled, smiling at them and clapping to himself. Alex’s eyes misted as they were pulled, yet again, away from the beautiful scene before her, but this time to one that took place years prior.   
~~~  
Alex was running a cold, wet washcloth over a twelve year old Ryan’s neck as the young girl emptied her stomach for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. Ryan seemed to go limp once her body was finished. She knew the girl was exhausted, her face was pale and yet red at the same time, and her skin was covered with sweat. Alex rewet the cloth and was about to apply it again to the small girls body when it was overtaken with vomiting again. “Make it stop, please make it stop.” Ryan cried in between heaves. 

Finally, when her sickness seemed to lull, she managed to get the girl in to bed. There was a bucket next to the bare bed, the sheets already having been thrown up on earlier and still in the washer, just in case. She wrapped a blanket around them and snuggled close to the girl. Small hands made a feeble attempt to push her away but was unsuccessful. “I don’t want you to get sick too.” Ryan said, causing Alex to smile at the precious girl.

“Honey, I’ve been with you since the beginning. I don’t think it matters at this point.” Alex said. Ryan shrugged, as if accepting the point.

“Emmy?” She asked weakly.

“What baby?”

“Could you sing to me?” She asked.

“I am nowhere as good as your mother.” The blonde warned her.

“Please?” Ryan asked. Alex smiled, she could never say no to this child, God help her. She snuggled closer to Ryan and softly began to sing something that she had heard Nicole sing to her   
before.

“You have a pretty voice.” Ryan said quietly once the song was finished, causing Alex to smile as she pressed a kiss to the young girl’s still sweaty forehead.

“Thank you, sweetie. Now go to sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.” Alex told her.

“Love you, Mom.” The child mumbled sleepily, shocking Alex. Before the blonde could respond she heard Ryan’s breathing even out and knew she was asleep. She pulled the child closer and, within minute, joined her in sleep.

When she woke next she saw Nicole’s brown eyes staring back at her. “How is she?” The other woman asked. Alex pressed a kiss to Ryan’s now dry forehead, happy to feel it cool now.

“Better, fever is gone.” She answered, her voice still laced with sleep.

“And you?” Nicole asked, smiling at the sight of Alex, or Emily as she knew her, holding her daughter so lovingly. 

“I’m good.” Alex told her. Nicole narrowed her eyes at her.

“What? What happened?” She asked. She could always tell when Alex was holding something back, at least she thought she did. It was what attracted her to Nicole, she was so much like   
Olivia. If only the other woman knew the truth. Alex shook the thoughts from her head and looked back to the girl still nestled in her arms.

“She called me Mom.” She said. She saw Nic’s eyes widen. “I’m sorry, I didn’t ask her to call me-“She was cut off by lips being pressed against her own. 

“Emily, honey, calm down. I’m happy.” Nic told her through a smile, her hand coming to rest on the blonde’s cheek. 

“Really?” Alex asked, her eyes misting. Nicole nodded.

“It just shows that she loves you and see’s you as a part of this family.” She answered back. “Just like her other mom.” Alex smiled as the other woman removed her shoes and climbed in to bed on the other side of Ryan and they fell asleep all cuddled together.  
~~~  
“Alex!” Olivia yelled again. 

“Huh?” Alex asked once she was back in reality. Tears were spilling over her face as she looked to Liv who was holding Noah.

“Are you okay?” The detective asked. Alex nodded as she came forward and kissed Noah on his head and took Olivia’s lips in a sound kiss.

“Are you okay with this?” Alex asked when they broke apart.

“Do you plan to leave me?” Liv asked, causing the blonde’s eyes to widen almost comically.

“No! Why would you-“Liv cut her off with a kiss. Why did everyone feel the need to do that to her?

“Then he is as much your son as he is mine.” Olivia told her. “And it looks like he agrees.” She finished as she looked to their son who was holding his arms out for Alex to take him.

“Hello there, my sweet boy.” Alex cooed to him as she pulled him into her arms. Olivia smiled at the two. Visions of the future filling her mind as they had Alex’s only moments ago. This was it. She had a family, one that she loved more than anything, and part of it was right in before her eyes smiling back at her.


	18. Torn Apart

An hour and a half later found Alex waiting patiently in Petrovsky’s office waiting for Kessler. She hadn’t lied when she told Liv earlier she had a plan, but now that she was actually sitting in the judge’s office she found herself forgetting the speech she had worked out. This was something new to her. She had sat in this very office many times and had never had a problem with finding the right words, but today was different. Today was about her daughter. 

The door behind suddenly opened, causing Petrovsky to look up from her paperwork to the new inhabitant of her office. She had an inkling about what this meeting would entail, but wanted to see how far the blonde would go.

“Good morning, your honor.” Kessler said, bowing his head a little at the older woman. “Is there a reason you have asked me here, Ms. Cabot?” He asked, a smug smile on his face. Alex stood from her seat and turned her cold gaze to the shorter man. 

“Yes there is.” Alex told him in an even voice. “Dr. Ryan Prescott testified for you yesterday, did she not?” There it was Petrovsky thought. 

“Yes she did.” Kessler answered, his lips quirking slightly at the thought of the young woman’s testimony. “Why do you ask?” 

“I was just wondering if you treat all of your expert witnesses like that, or if she was just special to you.” Alex replied sarcastically. 

“I will treat my witnesses however I want.” He told her, his eyes glaring at her pointedly. The judge simply leaned back in her seat and smirked at the pair. Kessler deserved everything he was about to get.

“Ryan told you when you first asked her to testify that she didn’t feel comfortable testifying because she was close to, not one, but two women who fit his profile.” Alex said. “She told you, so why would you still call her to the stand?!” She asked, her voice raising. Kessler opened his mouth to speak, but promptly shut it. He looked to the smirking judge, his eyes pleading for help.

“She has a point, councilor.” Petrovsky said. 

“Why do you even care?” Kessler fired back. “It’s not your case!”

“You called my daughter to the stand yesterday and, not only humiliated her in front of the entire courtroom, but you discredited her, which could lead to severe repercussions for her career!” Alex yelled. Kessler scoffed in disbelief.

“She’s not your daughter, not really.” He said. Alex’s eyes widened at the shorter man’s audacity before a sudden thought struck her.

“So you knew?!” Alex was outraged. “So what? You just called her to the stand to-“A sudden thought struck the blonde woman. “That’s it, isn’t it?” Petrovsky sat forward in her seat at that.

“What?” Kessler asked, feigning confusion.

“Out of all the people in New York that are qualified to testify on the behalf of your client, why did you pick her?” Alex asked him. 

“She…she was…” Kessler sputtered out, causing Alex to narrow her eyes at him.

“It was because of her relationship to myself and her girlfriend, wasn’t it?” Kessler took a minute step back, signaling Alex that she was right. “She not only has a step-mother who fit your client’s physical type, but her daughter has a step-mother who fits his physical type and his age range. That’s it! You figured if she got on the stand and said you client was guilty, then you would just use those facts against her and make her look biased.”

“Then you found out about her past addiction and decided to exploit that as well, didn’t you?” Alex continued, slowly making her way to the other man, causing him to step back in response. “If she said your client was innocent, then you could spin that to say that he must truly be innocent if someone with her family agrees. But she didn’t, so you used a vulnerable part of her life, where she felt alone, hurt, and scared, and broadcasted it for the world to see! You are a disgrace and you disgust me!” Alex finished, Kessler now pressed against one of the judge’s bookcases. The sound of someone clearing their throat brought the blonde back to her surroundings. When she stepped back and turned she saw Petrovsky looking at them with disapproval clouding her eyes. Alex braced herself for the older woman’s scolding, but it never came. Instead, to Alex’s surprise, it was aimed at the other man.

“Councilor, is this true?” She asked the man. “I will take that as a yes.” She said when he refused to answer. “For years I have watched you fight, claw, and manipulate people in order to get your client off, but this time you went too far. I will be notifying the Bar Association and you will be promptly put under investigation. Ms. Cabot, is there anything else you would like to say?” She asked, sending a small smile to the blonde.

“Yes.” Alex said as she turned to the defense attorney again. “If you so much as look at my daughter wrong again, I swear to God, I will castrate you with a rusty spork. Do you understand?” She asked, her eyes staring daggers into the other man. Kessler swallowed thickly before answering.

“Yes.”

“You may go.” Petrovsky told the cowering man. “Alex, a word?” She asked. The blonde nodded and moved back to her seat. As she sat down there was a light knock on the door before it   
opened and Liz Donnelly poked her head inside. “Come in, honey.” Petrovsky said. Liz smiled before making her way to the other woman’s desk and pecking her lightly on the lips before   
turning her attention to Alex.

“You texted, my dear? And, did I hear yelling?” Liz asked. 

“Yes, nothing to worry about.” Petrovsky answered. “Alex, here, was about to explain all of the rumors that we have been hearing about her daughter.” 

“Lena.” Liz said warningly. 

“I know, we said we would wait for her to tell us, but she admitted it a few moments ago so I thought you might want to hear her explanation.” Lena said, sending a sheepish look to the older blonde. Alex smiled at the two. She had known both women her entire life, they went to school with her parents, and she had grown to see them as a second set of mothers growing up. They were even her god-parents. In all of the excitement with the past few weeks, she hadn’t even thought to tell them. 

Liz turned to her and smile warmly at her before making her way over and engulfing the younger woman in a tight embrace. “How are you, Lex?” She asked. Alex smiled at her.

“I have never been better.” She said, her eyes cutting to Lena, who was watching them with a loving smile adorning her face. If only Kessler could see her now. “But, I do suppose I owe you   
an explanation.” She said.

“Uh, you think?” Lena laughed at her. Alex took a seat again, Liz never releasing her hand as she took the seat next to her, and began recounting the story from the very beginning.  
~~~  
A knock on her office door stole Alex’s attention away from the brief she was writing and gave it to Ryan, who was now entering her office. “Hey, kiddo.” Alex greeted. Ryan smiled and made her way closer to her mother’s desk.

“I don’t know what you did, or what you said, but thank you.” Ryan told her. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Alex said, feigning innocence. 

“Well, whatever it was made Kessler show up to my office today and apologize profusely to me.” Ryan told her.

“That’s it?” 

“He also sent a formal apology in writing to Liv and my boss at the bureau for his behavior towards me.” Ryan told her. 

“That’s better” Alex said through a smile. Kessler’s words rang through Alex’s head as she looked at the brunet. She’s not your daughter, not really. 

“You okay?” Ryan asked, pulling the older woman’s attention back to the present.

“Yes.” Alex answered back. “I was about to order lunch, would you like to join me? I want to talk to you about something.”

The two shared small talk as they ate, but as soon as the food was finished it was time to have their talk. “What did you want to talk about?” Ryan started.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said that night we talked about my financials.” Alex told her. Ryan nodded, urging her to continue. “You’re my daughter. That is how I have always seen you, even when we weren’t together, and I will always see you that way. I never want either of us to be in a position where someone can claim that you aren’t.” Alex said.

“What are you saying?” Ryan asked cautiously. Alex stood and walked to her desk, leaving Ryan confused. When she returned to her seat she handed the younger woman a handful of papers, papers that she had already signed. “What is this?” 

“They’re adoption papers.” Alex answered.

“Well, I can see that. Why are you giving them to me?” Ryan said. Alex took a deep breath. Now or never.

“I want to adopt you.” She told the young woman. Ryan raised her eyebrows at her.

“I’m over 18.” Ryan answered.

“There is no age limit in the state of New York for adoptions.” Alex told her. “If you don’t want me to I would understand.” The brunet’s eyes shot to the blonde’s.

“No!” Ryan yelled, causing Alex to jump. The younger woman took Alex’s hand, squeezing gently in apology. “Are you sure?” She asked in a quieter voice. Alex reached up with her free   
hand and ran her fingers through the other woman’s hair. 

“If I wasn’t I wouldn’t have signed them already.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Ryan said through a small chuckle. “Are you doing this for the right reasons? I don’t want you to feel as if you have to do this in order to make me more secure in our relationship. I see you as my mother, and that isn’t going to change.” 

“I’m doing this,” Alex started, moving closer to her daughter in the process, “because I love you. I want you to be allowed the same privileges that my biological children will have because the only difference between them and you will be that I actually gave birth to them. I never want anyone to tell us that we aren’t really family ever again. I want the world to know that I have a daughter, and she is you. Do you understand?” Alex finished, her hands coming to grasp the younger woman’s face. Ryan nodded.

“Okay.” She said in a soft voice.

“Yea?” Alex asked. Ryan nodded and the two women hugged each other tightly. 

In the weeks that followed the family of six became closer and closer. They ate dinner together at least once a week and, before they knew it, soon it was Thanksgiving.   
The whole family was invited. The guest list even included Liz and Lena, who wanted to meet Ryan. Lena even went so far as to apologize for the behavior in her courtroom weeks before. Ryan merely smiled and waved her off. 

The holiday was something that Ryan hadn’t experienced in that way for years. Yes, she did everything she could to make holidays the best she could for Emmy, but it was different when you actually had a family to share it with. 

A few more weeks later, Amanda and Liv stood in the doorway to the older woman’s apartment and watched silently as their significant others watched the children play in the living room   
while they bickered back and forth over an episode of Dr. Who. Who knew that underneath those strong exteriors, both were raging nerds? They both knew that their night was about to go from potentially great to agonizingly horrible. It had been one of those days, and the problems were nowhere near getting done.

“Hey, guys!” Alex said cheerfully as she came forward to kiss her girlfriend. She stopped when she saw the other women’s faces however. “What’s wrong? What happened?” She asked. Ryan stood from her seat and shooed the children in to Noah’s room to play. 

A few minutes later they were all seated in the living room, Ryan and Alex looking at the two women and Amanda and Olivia looking to the floor, defeated. “I have to go to Atlanta.” Amanda said, breaking the silence. 

“Why?” Ryan asked. She was doing her best to hide the fact that the thought of the blonde being gone for any amount of time made her chest hurt. They weren’t living together, but the detective spent most of her nights with her, in her arms. 

“Our rapist could be a serial. There are a few cases in Atlanta that match the MO.” Amanda told her in a strained voice. She obviously was feeling as apprehensive as Ryan was, but there was something else. She was holding something back, something that had her on edge about the trip. 

“Okay, I can see how that would be inconvenient, but not why you both look like one of you is dying.” Amanda’s eyes darted to the older detective. 

“Langen came to see me today.” Liv answered in a solemn voice. “I have to go to a hearing in family court about Noah.” Alex’s eyes widened. In an instant the older blonde was beside her, taking the sergeant in her arms. 

“Is this about the they found injuries?” Ryan asked, bewildered. Liv nodded her head. Ryan looked to Amanda and nodded for her to follow her to the kitchen.  
Once the older women were alone the tears that Olivia had been holding back all day came pouring from her. Alex pulled her tighter and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I can’t lose him.” Liv sobbed in to Alex’s shoulder.

“You won’t, baby.” Alex told her. How she, herself, wasn’t crying her eyes out was beyond her. She loved that little boy, and the thought of losing him made her feel like her heart was being ripped from her chest. She could only imagine how Olivia felt. 

“You don’t know that!” Liv yelled back. “They want to take him from me!” Alex took the other woman’s face in her hands and forced their eyes to meet. 

“Olivia Benson, look at me.” Alex said in a commanding voice. “You will not lose Noah. I will not let that happen. We will do what needs to be done in order to keep him. I’ll quit my job if I have to.” Liv smiled at that.

“You would do that?” Liv asked, her voice raspy from crying. 

“Without hesitation.” Alex said, hugging the brunet to her again, gently rocking her.

In the kitchen, Ryan and Amanda were trying their best not to listen to the conversation in the other room. “What’s going on?” Ryan asked, drawing the attention of the other woman. 

“What do you mean?” Amanda asked, knowing the woman well enough to know she wasn’t talking about the crying they could hear. 

“You don’t want to go to Atlanta. Why?” Ryan asked. Amanda shrugged her shoulders.

“I just don’t feel like having to deal with their shit.” Amanda answered. “They have a habit of looking down on women.” Ryan narrowed her eyes.

“It’s something else.” She said. “You’re nervous about something.” Amanda’s hand white knuckled where they were gripping the counter. “See, you’re scared, and you don’t want to tell me why.” 

“Stop analyzing me, alright!” Amanda shot back to the woman. Ryan stepped back from the other woman, giving her space. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.” Ryan nodded and moved closer again.

“There is something, but I can’t talk about it right now.” Amanda told her. “I will, I will tell you everything, just not right now.”

“You’ll tell me when you can though, right?” 

“Yes.” Amanda answered. “Right now, though, I just want to get this over with.” Ryan nodded, pulling the other woman closer and wrapping her arms around the slightly shorter woman. It seemed like it was a bad night for everyone. 

The next day proved to be no better than the previous. Olivia strode into their apartment that evening, her shoulders slumped. Alex was standing in the kitchen, hovering over the stove, while she put the finishing touches on the pasta dish that she was preparing. They hadn’t seen each other all day and the brunet felt like she was dying inside, she needed the blonde.   
Alex turned to see her lover still standing in the foyer staring in to space, her face devastated. No matter how hard she tried, she had been unable to move around her schedule to be at the hearing with Liv. The look on the sergeant’s face told her that it didn’t go well, a fact that forced the guilt to spread through her body like wildfire. 

Liv just stood there, her eyes never leaving the sight of Noah in his highchair. Her mind flew back to the hearing that afternoon.  
~~~  
The social worker had just finished testifying about the bruises found on her son. Fear was spreading through her at the thought of him being taken away from her. Langen was about to sit when the social worker spoke up again.

“Then there’s her relationship.” She said in a disgusted tone. Langen was back on his feet in seconds.

“Excuse me, what did you just say?” He asked her.

“It has come to my attention that she has begun a relationship, not only with a co-worker, but with a woman.” The woman stated. The judge’s eyes widened, darting from the woman on the stand to the woman holding the little boy in the courtroom. The sergeant’s eyes were on fire, obvious she was livid.

“What does that have to do with her ability to raise a child?” Langen asked. The woman glared daggers at him.

“My job is to do what is best for the boy.”

“Noah, his name is Noah.” Langen argued back. “In your visits have you ever seen Sergeant Benson or her girlfriend ever treat Noah badly? Was he ever not taken care of?” Liv had to smile at the defense attorney at that. 

“There are of plenty of people out there who could take of him.” The woman on the stand said. “People who can provide with a better environment that one of having to deal with the torment that comes with homosexual parents.” 

Langen argued the best he could, but all he was able to get was a continuance. Judge Linden had texted her and asked to meet at 8am tomorrow, and then Dodd made arrangements for her   
to speak at the same time. Things were just not going her way. 

The feeling of arms wrapping around her waist from behind forced the detective back to the present. “It didn’t go well?” Alex asked, her voice gentle. Liv merely shook her head. The blonde tightened her hold while Liv turned in her arms and buried her face in the other woman’s neck, allowing her calming scent to wash over her. 

“It’s going to be okay.” Alex whispered over and over into the brunet’s ear as she cried, doing her best to hold on to her own emotions. 

After a few minutes Liv seemed to have calmed herself. She pulled away from the blonde and wiped her eyes. “What’s for dinner?” Olivia asked, trying her best to divert her thoughts from the horrible place they had been lingering in. 

“Just some pasta and garlic bread.” Alex told her. Olivia smiled at her before making her way to Noah and lifting the precious boy in her arms and hugging him tight. 

“Where’s Ryan and Emmy?” Liv asked when Alex moved to head back to the kitchen. Alex turned in surprise. 

“At home, I would imagine.” She told her. “I wasn’t sure how you would feel about being around people at the moment.” Liv smiled at her thoughtfulness. 

“Family.” Liv said as she walked to Alex, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. “I want to be with family tonight.” Alex smiled at that. It warmed her heart that Olivia saw her daughter as family.

“Okay.” She said in a small voice, turning to pick up her cell off the counter.

Right about the time that the food was placed on the table there was a knock at the door. Once Ryan and Emily was ushered in, the profiler made her way to Olivia and wrapped her arms around the older woman. Liv’s eyes went wide for a moment before she reciprocated the embrace. This was the first time that Ryan had ever initiated contact with her. It was always Liv giving in to her maternal instincts when the younger brunet was in crises, but now was different. Ryan had come to her, had felt comfortable enough to come to her. Despite their situation, she felt her heart warm and some of the despair she had been in lessen a bit.

After dinner Liv disappeared with her son into his room. Alex put Frozen in the DVD player for Emmy and nodded for Ryan to sit with her at the dining table. “Are you okay?” The younger woman asked as soon as they were seated. Alex shrugged, her eyes losing their shine that she had been forcing all night. Ryan placed her hand over the older woman’s.  
“We can’t lose him.” Alex whispered. Ryan used her free hand to rub up and down the blonde’s arm. 

“You won’t lose him.” Ryan whispered. “Everything is going to be okay, I promise.” Ryan saw her mother take a deep breath and wipe all of the emotions from her face. “Don’t do that, don’t push everything out.” 

“I have to.” Alex told her. “I have to be strong, for Liv.” Alex’s eyes darted to the living room where Emily was now passed out on the couch, her face splitting in a small smile, one that didn’t reach her eyes all the way. “Looks like someone had too much fun today.” 

She was deflecting, but Ryan knew that there was nothing else she could say to help. She smiled tightly back at her mother before scooping Emily in her arms before taking her leave.   
Once the door was closed, Alex’s legs gave out and her body slid down to the floor, her tears finally taking over her body in wrenching sobs. 

The next morning Liv woke with a pain in her neck. She was sitting in the rocking chair in Noah’s room with her son still nestled in her arms. She, with great effort, managed to release herself from the chair without waking the baby. She placed the still sleeping child in his crib before making her way to the bedroom she shared with her love, where she found herself alone.   
She looked to the alarm clock on her bedside table; 5:30. Where was the blonde at this hour? She turned and exited the bedroom and wandered down the hall to the living room. The sight she found broke her heart. There sat Alex, her knees brought up to her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around them, and her head leaning back on the door in sleep. The tear tracks staining her face proved that she had cried herself asleep sometime the night before. Olivia felt all of the air leave her lungs. She had been so wrapped up with her own sorrow that she never even thought of how all of this effected Alex. She was as close to Noah as her, why would she not be as devastated.

Liv leaned down and gently shook the other woman. “Lex.” She whispered loudly. The blonde began to stir and within a few seconds her blue eyes, duller than Liv ever remembered them being, were studying her.

“Hey.” Alex said back, her voice rough from crying. Olivia helped the blonde into a stand position and pulled her into her arms. 

“I’m sorry.’ Liv said close to the other woman’s ear. Alex pulled back, still staying in the detective’s arms, and looked at the sergeant. 

“What are you sorry for?” She asked as Liv’s hand came to rest on her cheek.

“I never even thought about how you were handling this.” She answered, the guilt palpable in her voice. “After the hearing and that woman bringing us up in court, I never even stopped to think of what would be going through your head right now.” Liv realized her mistake the second the words left her mouth. Alex’s eyes widened as she broke free of her lover’s light hold.

“What did you just say?” She asked, her voice eerily stoic. 

“Alex,” Liv tried to reason but was cut off by the blonde.

“This is because of me?” She asked, her body shaking lightly.

“No, baby, no.” 

“It is.” Alex told her. “You’re about to lose your son because of me.” Alex’s eyes began to mist as she backed away from Olivia.

“Alex, please.” Olivia pleaded, but it was no use. Alex was already at the door, jacket in hand. “Please, don’t leave.” She begged, her voice cracking. Alex looked to her detective, her   
detective. The woman she loved more than anything, and swallowed her emotions and forced herself to do what needed to be done.

“Olivia, I can’t stand in the way of you getting the one thing you have always wanted.” She said calmly, raising her hand to stop Liv’s argument. “I love you, I love you so much, but if being with me means that you lose him, than a decision must be made. A decision that you should never have to make, so I’ll make it for you.” She said as she twisted the doorknob and rushed out, afraid that if she stayed any longer she would lose her nerve. 

A forceful knock forced Ryan away from the case file she was reading through. When she opened the door she was surprised to see a crushed looking Alex on the other end. The younger woman pulled her through the doorway and led her to the dining table before making her way to the kitchen. It was like Alex was in a fugue state, staring off into space with a haunted look in her eyes. 

Ryan returned a few minutes later with two steaming mugs in hand. She placed one in front of Alex before shaking her slightly. “Alex.” She said loudly, gaining the other woman’s attention. “Drink, you’re freezing.” She commanded. Alex’s eyes darted to the mug in front of her, as if seeing it for the first time. 

Alex lifted the mug to her lips, taking a tentative sip, and smiled at the familiar taste. Hot chocolate with peppermint. Memories flooded the blonde’s mind of when she would fix this for a younger Ryan when she was upset. It became sort of a tradition for them. 

Ryan, seeing the smile, knew that the warm drink warranted the desired response. She pressed a soft kiss to her mother’s hair before sitting in the seat next to her, taking the older woman’s hand as she did.

“Tell me what happened.” Ryan softly told her.


End file.
